Friends frequently write to me (and I to them), to complain about how we’ve screwed up and how it’s going to ruin our lives, our job, our client base or whatever. Today it occurred to me as I was responding to someone that we’re on a journey, not a game show. We don’t have to race anyone to hit the buzzer first, or to have all the correct answers. We’re not trying to win a prize. We’re trying to become better people. Self-growth is a lifelong goal. You don’t get points for being first or being right all the time.

We “succeed” when we realize our mistakes, change course and improve. Sometimes it happens in seconds, sometimes it takes years. While friends, family and co-workers - even complete strangers - will try to tell us differently, the fact is we really are on a journey, not on a game show. Yes, I’m repeating myself because some people need to hear it two, three or four times - not because they’re dense, but because they’ve been brainwashed to believe that life is a television sit-com. Real life is not that easy. In real life you don’t have a team of writers sitting around a table cracking jokes, drinking Starbucks and crafting witty solutions, comebacks and situations for all the jerks and dysfunctional people in your life. It’s all on your shoulders. So yeah, it’s gonna take more than 20 minutes and six commercial breaks. And you’re going to make mistakes, get your feelings hurt, screw up and feel like a loser. But you’re not. Not if you get back up, walk back into the ring and keep growing.

Kick the buzzer to the door, or out the door. Think about all the things you’ve done right, or learned thus far in your life. You’ve done a lot right or you wouldn’t still be here. Think about the successes and give yourself some credit for all you have done. If you haven’t done anything, then start. Winners aren’t people who do something better than anyone else. Winners are people who do things better than they did them last time.

Tips for Staying Motivated:

Keep a journal in which you detail every success you have - no matter how small. Include compliments, emails, cards and letters people send you thanking you for something or praising your efforts. When you get down or feel bummed about someone’s criticism of you, read it - repeatedly.

Remember that other people’s reactions TO YOU are about THEM, not about you. They are responding to something inside them that has been triggered. I once was bitten by a dog whose owner refused to put her on a leash. Every time the dog saw me come out of my apartment and she was in the hallway she would run to me and bite or attempt to bite me. After the fourth attack and the second bite after the owner refused to put her on a leash, animal control told the owner they would put the dog down if she bit me or anyone again.

The owner was furious and screamed at them and me that, “It’s her fault. She looks like the dog’s previous owner who abused her. She should move! She should make sure we’re not in the hallway before she leaves her apartment. I shouldn’t have to put my dog on a leash. She’s just reacting like anyone would expect an abused dog to react!” I kid you not. And this yahoo was the CEO of a large corporation! Small wonder his company is now out of business. He had no concept of self fault or responsibility. He did everything in his power to convince people it was my fault for being bit and that he and his dog had no responsibility in the the incident. Never mind things like his violating the leash law, or that I was NOT the woman who reminded his dog of her prior abuse and had never abused his dog or any dog. Never mind that dog bites are an assault. HE was not at fault - he thought. A lot of people are like that with their emotions. If they feel angry or triggered by something you did, wear, said or how you look - that’s their problem, not yours. If you aren’t deliberately provoking someone then their reaction to you is theirs. We spend far too much of our lives trying to accommodate and take responsibility for other people’s feelings.

I once left a conversation among several friends on an outside deck when someone I didn’t know from the group started smoking. He said, “I don’t care if anyone doesn’t like cigarettes, I’m dying for a cigarette and I’m smoking.” It was the designated spot for smokers and he made his feelings clear, so I couldn’t ask him not to smoke, so I moved inside. I loathe cigarette smoke for a variety of reasons, but I’m more than happy to move so others can smoke if they want. Anyway, I said, “Okay, then I’m going inside,” and when several people said, “No, it’s nice out, stay,” I explained that I didn’t like cigarette smoke and that I was the one in the smoking area and didn’t want to be a wet blanket, so I was going inside. That interrupted a spirited discussion as several people moved inside to continue the conversation. The smokers were angry with me because they blamed me for breaking up the party on the deck. I didn’t break up the party. I took care of myself. I didn’t want the smell on my clothes and I didn’t want to “put up with it,” to make it easier for the smokers. I could move so I did. It’s not my job to worry about how taking care of myself makes others feel. Their disappointment, anger or frustration is THEIR problem - not mine.

Other people are responsible for THEIR feelings and you are responsible for yours. Don’t confuse the two. If someone doesn’t like the fact you said “No,” to them, or did something THEY wouldn’t have done, said, worn or thought - that’s their stuff - not yours. Let them carry their own emotional crap. If they try to make something they are feeling your problem say “No,” and walk away. If that sounds bizarre then read Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud. It will CHANGE your life.

Anyway, next time someone criticizes you, or you fail, or you’re struggling - DO remember that your development as a person is what counts. You may have deadlines at a job, or other constraints, but that overall - you really are on a journey so enjoy it - warts and problems and failures and all. Growing and changing, not hitting the buzzer with the answers first, is what life is really all about.