When my radishes starting flowering today I knew it was time to clear out the radish patch and move on - plant something else. As a *new* gardener I’m learning as I go. I learned that you HAVE to thin your seedlings or they won’t grow. Or, they’ll grow, but not produce. Out of 1,000 radish plants I got maybe two dozen small radishes. They didn’t have room to grow. They were too crowded. There’s a lesson in there - justification for going lean and mean. I learned it too late, but I learned it. I also learned that when you realize you’ve made a mistake you need to admit it and change what you can - and that doesn’t always mean fixing it. Sometimes it means tearing everything out and starting over.

I remember growing up that my father noticed halfway through replacing the kitchen ceiling with 1×1 slats that he’d miscalculated the angle. It would have looked okay, but a little off. He was a perfectionist, so he ripped out the whole ceiling and started over. The end result was astounding, but he had to defend his decision to a lot of people. Too many people realize half-way or nearly all the way into something that they’ve done something wrong, or didn’t know to do something at all, and instead of admitting that, they try to *fix* it. Fixing works sometimes, but there are so many more times when you need to rip it all out and just start over.

That’s what I did with my radishes. I learned that what I really want is more lettuce, not more radishes. I still have onions and carrots, which may be suffering the same fate as the radishes. But I ripped out the radishes, saved the 5-6 decent sized radishes the beetles and the rain hadn’t destroyed, and then planted lettuce. Cut your losses and keep running I say.

Cutting your losses with a garden is fairly easy, but what about when it’s friends? Or a job? Or a relationship? Harder then eh? It can be. But I’m a rip the band-aid off kind of person. I know the short-term pain is so much more bearable than the long-term pain that eats at you every day. But so many of us persist - thinking a relationship or job CAN be saved, even when we know in our gut that it can’t.

What are the signs that it’s time to “Fold ‘em” and walk away?

1. You feel dread or depressed when you think about encountering the person, job or situation nearly every time you think about them. When I first started my last job I woke up raring to go and loving my day. I was always early and didn’t mind being there early and ready. By the time I had decided to leave I could barely wake myself up and bitched the whole time I was getting ready. I didn’t care anymore. It wasn’t a “today’s a bad day,” feeling. EVERY day was a bad day. If it’s a friend or relationship, you hesitate before answering the phone if you have caller ID, or worse, you ignore the call all together. This is an every time thing, not related to “I’m busy,” or in a bad mood. You just really don’t want to talk to them.

2. You aren’t seeing the results, growth, fun, success or involvement you anticipated and it doesn’t disappoint you as much as you think it should. You realize you just want it to be over. You tried it, it’s not working. You attempted to fix things, or thought about fixing things and the energy is just not there. You want to move on.

3. You feel guilty about even considering ending things. Guilt is you recognizing it’s not working, and yet knowing you don’t have the strength, guts, skill or ability to cut the cord, pull the plug or end things. If its gone this far, you probably passed the first good exit you could have bailed out at. Don’t miss this one.

4. You’re spending less time and feeling less juiced about the relationship, project or job. We all have *dips* or times when we feel this about everything and everyone. I’m talking about a persistent, ongoing dread and a *dead* feeling about the person, project or job. This is the point where you need to sit down with yourself and have a talk about how you truly feel. Then have the same talk with the people involved. Sure, it’s hard and it hurts, but everyone will feel relieved that someone finally got the guts to pull the plug.

5. Your intuition tells you, “It’s time,” but your fear tells you, “Let’s try to fix it first.” You know better. You know you do. Trust your intuition. It’s seen this car crash, train derailment, social bomb before. Let it help you prevent another blowup or blowout and go with your gut feeling that it’s time to fold them and walk away. Salvage what you can, but only because you know you’ll need it in the future. This means the lesson of this relationship/project/event is usually the only thing worth salvaging, but look for assets and other things that can be repurposed. Not fixed, repurposed!

How to Pull the Plug

1. Go somewhere you can be alone - bed is good, or a park bench, or a walk. Visualize yourself pulling the plug, calling it quits, stopping or ending whatever is giving you so much grief. See yourself doing it, then walking away. How do you feel? If elated, relieved or relaxed is part of that, then you’re on the right track. Practice the ending or conversation until you feel good about it.

2. Be honest with the people involved. Don’t make up shit. Tell them you appreciate them and all they’ve done, all you’ve learned, but that you’ve realized things aren’t working for you - that they’re beyond fixing, or therapy, or changing and that it’s time you collect your memories, cut your losses and move on. Don’t be swayed by attempts to change your mind. Expect that - but don’t be swayed by it. Keep firm boundaries. Say, “I hear you. You don’t want this to happen. I understand. I’ve thought about it for a long time though and I am ready for it to happen. I need to do this for me.” There are a zillion how-to books and ways to say it so you don’t sound like a jerk, or get into a debate, but essentially - just gracefully bow out. The Navy SEALS just have a bell their cadets ring when they realize they can’t hack it. They ring the bell and people respect their decision. People with good boundaries who respect you will honor your decision too.

3. Don’t look back. Regrets are simply fears of the future masquerading as a belief you made the wrong decision. Write them down and look at them in 6 months and see if you still have them. Chances are you won’t, or if you do, they won’t hold a lot of emotion for you.

4. Embrace the future. Say your piece and embrace your future. Saying “No,” to one thing means saying “Yes,” to your future.

Me? I’m going to have lettuce there in a few weeks. I’m sorry I didn’t thin the radishes, but took away the lesson. Gardens are good that way - always something to learn, and you get to eat some of your lessons and effort too!