If you begin to face your fears, something bittersweet is going to happen to you: You’ll grow up. You’ll lose your dependency on the grown-ups of the world because you’ll realize that there is no time, no age, at which fear suddenly fades and you become one of these impervious beings…Fear is the raw material from which courage is manufactured. Without it, we wouldn’t even know what it means to be brave.—Martha Beck, Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live

I love Martha Beck’s writing. I love the quotes from her writing even more. They sum up a feeling or thought that I can hold however briefly, in my mind when I’m challenged by panic or fear, which is frequently.

I often get emails from readers who tell me they love the idea of being on the road, living in a van or an RV and doing what I do. But they’re afraid. “What if?” they ask me….what if the van breaks down, or you run out of money, or someone hassles you or robs you? What if? Well, ALL those things could happen to you too, even though you live in a house or apartment. Life happens no matter where we are. And that can be scary. You have a couple of options. You can hunker down behind a locked door, or you can venture forth armed with what you need to experience the world. Either way there’s going to be some fear. It’s up to you if you experience the fear while driving along the ocean and visiting every museum you ever wanted to see since you were a kid, or if you want to stare at the 12 locks on the door of your fortress and watch cable.

You already know which option I picked. And while Martha’s right about facing our fears, unless we face them with the tools we need to deal with them, we’re not really any better off. To slay dragons you need a sword, or at least a really good fire extinguisher. So, in addition to reading Martha, I’m reading Dr. Henry Cloud’s books on boundaries. My most recent is The One-Life Solution: Reclaim Your Personal Life While Achieving Greater Professional Success
(Yes, that’s an affiliate link. Thanks for the support!)

It sounds simplistic and surreal, but I’m convinced it’s true. When you have good boundaries you have all the tools you’ll need to tackle anything in life - especially the scary stuff. All our problems come back to the strength of our boundaries, which includes our choices and our actions and what we’re willing to own, be it behavior or actions or consequences. When you know what you want, what you’ll accept and what you won’t, and how to say no, and how to go after what you want, life changes. You grow up.

Sorry. You’ll have to read the book for details, but it’s definitely worth it. He does such an excellent job of breaking it all down - and that’s why it’s a book. It can’t be summed up in a blog post!

What I love about Cloud is he makes boundaries so easy to understand. And, he does a great job of showing readers how much easier life is when we have them and use them. He uses the example of a house (us) with a yard (our boundaries). We own the yard and we’re responsible for what happens in that yard, or doesn’t happen. The better care we take of that yard - ie. not letting people drive their herd of cows through it, or let their dogs poop on it, or decide that we should plant cactus instead of sunflowers, the happier we’ll be in that yard.

That yard represents our relationships at work, in the world, at home. HOW are you going to let people treat your yard? Are they welcome to come in, sit down and talk, or admire it? Or do you give them free rein to hold beer bashes there?

By acknowledging and accepting that we own our lives, that we decide what to say yes and no to, we can control the level of satisfaction and success we crave in our lives. We have ownership, control, freedom, responsibility, limits and protection when we have boundaries. We can face our fears when we have that dragon slaying weapon - boundaries.

I’m in the process of sculpting my life and my journey right now. I was just in North Carolina this week, interviewing Emily Pilloton and Matthew Miller about their Design Revolution Road Show. Fantastic exhibit if you get a chance to see it before it ends. Their itinerary is on the website. Buy the shirt. It’s $10 plus shipping. It’s cool and it supports what they do - humanitarian design. Tell them you read about it here. I don’t get any kickbacks or anything, but they’re tracking how/where people hear about them.

Anyway, I was in North Carolina this week talking to Emily and Matt for an article I’m writing for Airstream Life
and realized how excited I get when I can do this - spread the idea, tell someone’s story or contribute to making lives and the world a better place. I can’t do that when I focus on the fear or let it rule.

So I reread Dr. Cloud’s book and decided today to really focus on what I want to do with my yard. I’ve allowed people, even well-meaning ones, to wander around in without permission, to set up shop without paying rent, to do all kinds of things without any objection from me. I realized that if I want to enjoy my yard, my life, to enjoy my time here, and to live without fear - I need to do this. My guess is, you do too, to some degree or other.

You CAN set boundaries in a healthy, happy way. And you can take back control of your yard (life). Will you? Cloud’s books are available in most libraries, or order a copy of your own. You won’t regret it. The One-Life Solution: Reclaim Your Personal Life While Achieving Greater Professional Success