I really enjoy reading other people’s blogs. And one of my favorites is Peggy Pepper Wilkerson’s blog. She recently asked her readers if Self-Love was Self-ish. Her answer was “No.” She says, in part:

“… not loving and caring for ourselves first, is the fastest path to one of the biggest and most insidious, self-destructive traps we can fall into—-also, seemingly unique to women. Martrydom. I know you know what I’m talking about. So, when’s the last time you loved being around a martyr? All that self-less-ness, all that bending and scraping and flogging in the name of family or friendship—all that heavy sighing, while reporting the latest selfless act—-which, of course, went unnoticed, and totally unappreciated. Martyrs often play see-saw with victims.Learning that loving ME, first….does not make YOU, last. It allows me to create the envelope for all that I hold dear…

4. Self-love creates balance and boundaries.”

I agree with Peggy. It’s NOT selfish to take care of yourself. I am staying home today for instance, having told a friend “No,” to being able to run her to a second doctor’s appointment today. Two hours of my time this morning was all the time I could spare out of my day. I have things I have to get done, and she has other friends who have volunteered to play chauffeur. I feel guilty for not falling on my martyr’s sword, but in time, I’m sure that will pass as I practice taking care of ME first. I have writing to do, projects that are due. If I said yes, and denied my needs, I’d feel resentful. Given the options I have right now, I prefer guilty to resentful!!

So, I agree with Peggy. It’s NOT selfish to love one’s self. When we love ourselves we have more for others because we’ve budgeted our energy, our time, our resources. We’ve made decisions that benefit everyone involved, not just the recipient of our resources. Sound familiar? It should. If you have and practice setting boundaries you’re budgeting your time and energy like you do your money. If you’re not a great money manager, chances are you’re not managing your boundaries well either. Our money, and the way we manage it, reflects how we manage and allocate our emotions as well.

If I have money for instance, I tend to give it away, spend it generously and freely and often without a thought as to how I should spend it to take care of myself. I put everyone else’s financial worries and needs first, usually ahead of my own.

As a result I undercharge and over-deliver to my clients. Good for them, but then I feel resentful, taken advantage of, and get angry. I realize I am broke or am unable to buy the things I need because I have NOT loved myself. I do the same emotionally. I give and do for people, without taking care of my own emotional needs. Those things, to the dismay of those I give so much to, is changing drastically. The point is, as my emotional boundaries tighten, and become healthier, so do my financial ones.

Conversely, I have, and have had, friends who are not only tight-fisted with their money, but are tight-fisted with their emotions as well. They would prefer to be beaten rather than take time out of their day to help someone else if there was nothing in it for them. They are as miserly with their money as they are with their emotions…and yet wonder why they are so lonely.

Yes, there’s a theme beginning to bloom here. It’s all about learning about boundaries, love, loving self above others (not narcissism).

Part of getting out of the holes we dig for ourselves involves taking an honest look at how co-dependent we are, how much of a martyr we enjoy being, or how much of a victim we are. I know, I know. You can already think of someone you know who is a victim, a martyr or a co-dependent who could really USE this post! We all do! But I’m going to ask you to focus on YOU, not all the dysfunctional people in your life who make YOUR life hard. Trust me, when you fix yourself, all those problem people will miraculously disappear!!