Breaking up is hard to do….

Panic and I have been on a first name basis, oh, since grade school. Other kids had invisible friends they invited to tea and giggled secrets to. Panic and I held hands and sat on the curb and worried about everything. It was not really what you’d call a great friendship, but it has proven to be a long term one. It’s kind of like those smelly old sneakers and worn out t-shirts we all have that we can’t bear to throw away. We know we’re over them, we’ll never wear them again, but darn, we’ve been through so much with them we’re keeping them for the memories.

Well, it’s almost Valentine’s Day and I’ve decided to break up with Panic. It’s not Panic, really, it’s me. I need my space. We’ve grown in different directions these past two or three years, our goals aren’t the same anymore. It’s for the best. And no, I don’t want to be friends afterwards. I don’t want to keep his picture on my dresser, or his *love* notes - (“Let’s stay up all night and talk about what MIGHT HAPPEN, WHAT COULD HAPPEN.”)

What can I say? For years I listened to him. Panic likes us to drop everything, spend all our money, main line sugar and sodas, and assume the worst in any given situation. Panic interrupts any fun I’m having to whisper in my ear how nothing is going to work out, how I’m a phony, how the world is about to come crashing down around me and there I am having a good time. How dare I!!

Somewhere along the way we started growing apart. I’ve learned that I kind of like taking a day off to do nothing, even if there are things I *could* be doing. I locked him out of the bathroom when I wanted to take a bubble bath, and now I have learned to love long soaks in a bathtub. I quit calling him when I wanted to do something for me. When I wanted to go to a movie just because I feel like it, I did. And I didn’t think about what he was doing in the meantime.

I shop alone now. I’ve learned that I can say “No,” to that feeling that I have to buy something just because it’s on sale. Panic used to tell me there would NEVER EVER be such a *great deal* ever again and who cared if the rent was due. THIS was a steal!!

I used to give myself away, doing everything for everyone for free. Panic, you know, whispered in my ear that everyone would leave me, and I’d be all alone if I didn’t. I know now that if I turn down a request from a friend to do something for free, the world won’t end and they might even offer to pay me because they do value my time after all!

Panic lives in the moment - each minute being more stressful than the last one. I have learned to plan a little more so that I don’t have to stress every minute. I admit, I’ve grown too attached to our intimate little rituals - you know, like waking up in the morning and “Oh crap!” being the first words out of my mouth as I realize I’m two hours behind already and my feet haven’t hit the floor. That little thing where I call people, explain I overslept, apologize and reschedule isn’t nearly the same adrenaline rush as I get from Panic, but it works a lot better.

I’ll miss that rush, speaking of chemical and endorphine highs. There’s nothing like Panic to trigger a burst of adrenaline when I need it. The thing is, I’ve started enjoying the steady, empowering feel of not needing that burst. I kind of like a slower pace actually.

It’s hard breaking up with someone you’ve grown so dependent on. It may be hard at first. I’m sure I’ll miss him, and may even find myself on his doorstep, ringing the bell and asking to come in for the evening to talk. But I’m hoping those times are few and far beween.

In the meantime I’ll need to find other ways to cope with the loneliness, the uncertainty, the fear of this transformation. A quart of ice cream isn’t an option either. That was our thing….we used to bond over that, and late night runs to the drive through windows of any fast food place for a gorge-a-thon when Panic showed up at the door. “Road trip?” he’d say, and I’d find myself talking to the drive-through speaker at Dairy Queen. Turning to a quart of ice cream during the breakup will only make it worse for me to indulge alone.

I’m not sure what I’ll need to do to bridge the gap between breaking it off with Panic, and finding Peace, but I’ll think of something. Maybe there will be new music to discover, or a new place to go to hang out. Whatever it is, I’m kind of looking forward to it.