Man, oh man. Was I ever looking forward to being able to sing Suze Orman’s praises to the sky over her new “The Approved Card” debit card. Not happening though. NOT YET.

As part of a FREE ebook I’m writing for the homeless on money matters, and on starting a simple street business to get off the street, etc. I’m reviewing debit and bank cards, an alternative to a bank account for people who are homeless or marginally employed.

The number one problem with those who don’t have money or a steady income is they have to pay 10 times more to get the same services that people with credit and money take for granted. Think “Rent to Own,” and “Pawn Shop Loans” and all the other scams and businesses out there charging people 20-40 percent interest or at least bogus rates and fees so high they might as well be interest.

Debit cards are part of this gold rush to rape the poor. That’s a fact of life. If you can’t or won’t handle or manage money responsibly, you pay for it, literally. We get it. But of all the charges and fees of all the debit cards I’ve looked at so far, I have to say, this one COULD be the best, and let me EMPHASIZE

COULD BE.

Because the ApprovedCard.com web site is so buggy I had to request my password and user name several times. Each time I tried to use the names they were rejected. Finally the site locked my attempts to protect my account security. Fine. Then I called the toll free number to get help with that and was told that it would cost me $2 to speak with a live person. $2??!!

Really? It costs me $2 to talk to someone in customer service
about YOUR product, a product that DOESN’T WORK?

While Suze does a better job than most debit card companies of hiding her $2 charges among some very well-written marketing material I confess, I did not see this $2 for customer service calls fee anywhere before signing up. I’m still looking though.

I want to remind you all that Suze and Oprah BOTH believe that people who don’t pay their bills on time, have money problems and are irresponsible with money are losers and crack heads and bad, evil people. That said, Suze doesn’t mind getting a piece of your financial action because, as we all know rich people think it’s okay to rape poor people just like guys think it’s okay to rape women who have an active sexual life. I’m not the only one who finds her self-righteousness about money annoying. Yes. People make poor decisions, or life hits them hard. That doesn’t make them bad people, just people with poor money skills.

Just for the record? NetSpend, Green Dot and almost every other debit card I’ve reviewed charges NOTHING to talk to a live person. Talk is FREE. They may charge .50 CENTS to get your balance via the phone. NO ONE ELSE charges you to talk to customer service.

Things I LIKE about The Approved Card:

Marketing: Suze didn’t skimp on any money when it came to designing the ads, the site and doing the copywriting! Wow. Lots of purple and orange — happy vibrant colors that appeal to low income people and teenagers (not my opinion, studies show that). Orange also stimulates our appetites and urges us to “Take action NOW!!” which is why so many fast food places are decorated in orange and yellow…think McDonalds, Burger King…. Lots of pictures of Suze smiling and looking rich and happy and wearing a blue shirt — the color blue evokes TRUST, so good move there.

The website is amazing!!! I felt like Dorothy met Alice and the Cheshire cat doped their lemonaide and took them on a hallucinogenic spin on the Internet! Wow! It was like candy! I was salivating at the colors! EXCELLENT!! Kudos to baiting the hook so beautifully! You sucked me in in a heart beat!

The body language, arms across her chest and her head turned to one side or the other says “No,” when the message says “Yes,” and the arms and palm position screams defensiveness…either that or she’s hiding her chest….Fake smile. There’s no crow’s feet wrinkles at the eyes…so, not crazy about that.

Emergency Fund Accounts: You can actually do more than move money around online. Suze was savvy enough to set up the card so you have up to 4 or 5 funds, or savings accounts with your card. This allows you to create an emergency fund, save for a car, set aside your rent or whatever you want to do with it. The money is not touched or transferred unless you go in and do that. It’s a great way to keep your money safe, and to not spend it without making some effort to do so. LOVE that feature. I can’t tell if you’re charged for those funds — like a maintenance fee etc — because I can’t get into the buggy site and I refuse to pay $2 to talk to a customer service rep to get them to unlock the account. That’s insanity on a stick. What was she thinking???!!!

Credit Bureau Reporting: This one is both a pro and a con. It’s a pro because ultimately it COULD give you a way to fix your credit by having the debit card report when you pay certain bills on time. Right now the card doesn’t do this, although you can opt in to an anonymous program (beta testing I’m guessing) until they do offer that. There is NO incentive (like they waive your monthly fees) to participate in this program, so I advise you NOT to. There’s just not enough information and there’s no benefit to you the user. If Suze is going to charge you $2 to talk to a customer service rep, why would you want her to benefit from your data if she’s not willing to pay you or give YOU some financial love in return eh? Just saying. If the site is buggy now, there’s no telling how buggy the reporting process is. Use caution.

Consumer Services: There are actually some tools, calculators and other stuff on the site, in your account, that COULD (if you can log in) help you learn to manage your money better. I’m wondering why Dave Ramsey isn’t all over this concept and doing his own debit card. Dave, charge a flat yearly fee for the card and link it to your Financial Peace University and all your other tools, tips and tricks. Awesome dude! It would SO rock!! I’d tell you MORE about all the cool features on Suze’s site, BUT I CAN’T log in and I refuse to pay $2 to talk to someone whose product I own is broken.

Things I HATE about The Approved Card:

Start Shopping NOW!: WTF?! You want people to save money and then you have a direct link to places they can SHOP AND SPEND??! ARE YOU NUTS?!!? Of course there’s the thoughtful, “Look, but don’t buy if you can’t afford it, promise me you’ll be good girls and boys,” but damn! You KNOW that you are tempting people and that is just evil. I’m sorry, but Bloomingdales, Lancombe ($75 makeup), and all the priciest places on the Internet? That’s not “discount” shopping! That’s like waving a lifetime of free liquor offer in front of alcoholics and saying, “Now don’t drink if you can’t handle it.”

$2 Fee for Talking to Customer Service: Well, if you’ve read this far you already know the number one thing I hate! I hate that damn $2 customer service fee. If the fee is because you’re checking your balance, then SAY SO! Don’t just tell people it’s $2 to talk to a live representative.

$2 Fee if You Don’t Enroll in Direct Deposit: Suze, girlfriend, not every company HAS direct deposit. Many of us are freelancers, business owners, new business owners etc. and we have customers and clients that work with us once or twice and pay cash, or by check, or Paypal or some other way. Maybe if you were nice to the folks over at Paypal they’d do something for you, but probably not. Paypal has their own debit card thing happening and it ROCKS. Love Paypal!

Not a Beginner Money Card: I say this because if you’re new to the world of debit cards and you can’t or don’t manage your money well, you are SCREWED. There’s a fee and a charge around every bend to take advantage of you if you’re illiterate, don’t read all the fine print and don’t understand how to use their rules to save YOUR money. A $2 fee here, a $2 fee there, maintenance fees, ATM fees, fees for not signing up for direct deposit, a monthly fee, A $2 FEE FOR CALLING FREAKING CUSTOMER SERVICE!!! and pretty soon you’re spending $30 of the $50 you deposited in your account, just to pay the fees. DO NOT GET THIS CARD unless you read ALL the fine print. All debit cards have fees and charges, but the wording and copy writing on this makes it more confusing than most.

If you want to get a Debit card you can reload and not have to venture into the part of town where all the Pawn Shops and liquor stores and drug-dealers hang out, the best card out there is a Walmart Money card. It’s the cheapest to reload ($3 at any Walmart). So, you save gas — no extra trips to a bank, or Western Union or someplace JUST to put money on your card. You already shop at Walmart — or sleep in the parking lot if you’re homeless, so it’s a no-brainer.

You also don’t have to drive to a neighboring town to find that special store to load your card since many debit cards don’t offer easy loading. You don’t have to drive all over town looking for a CVS (Greendot and Netspend) to reload your card only to find out the clerk has NO idea what you’re talking about, or tries to sell you another card rather than load your current card (been there, done that) and then charges you $5 to put $20 on your card.

If you cash your paycheck at Walmart you can add the money to your card for FREE! Yeah. If you get paid weekly, then that’s $12 to $20 you SAVE by not having to pay to load money on your card. You can also get Direct Deposit on your Walmart card.