One of the trickiest things about personal boundaries for most people is understanding that other people have boundaries too.

I’ve noticed that people really love setting and enforcing their own boundaries, but when someone else’s boundaries conflict with theirs, they go ballistic. They either accuse the other person of trying to manipulate them, or they try to manipulate the other.

Case in point:

Last fall a friend of mine asked me to house-sit for her for a week. She lives about two hours away, a long drive. Her only request was, “No dogs.” I thought about it and said, “Oh. Well then I can’t do it.” You see, I won’t leave my dog at home alone for a week and I’m not willing to put her in a kennel where she could contract Kennel Cough or some other disease so I can house-sit” Boundaries around how I treat my dog…

So I said, “No.” She was surprised, but I explained why I couldn’t accept. She smiled and said very sweetly, “Well, no dogs is just a boundary my husband and I have. They’re destructive and they smell.” I said, “I understand. Dogs can be destructive and they do smell. My dog is not destructive, but she’s old and yes, she smells. I won’t leave her alone or at a kennel and I have no one to take care of her for a week. So I guess we can’t house-sit for you.”

She looked confused and then shocked. “But it’s our boundary, and I’m just asking you to respect that.”

I nodded and smiled back just as sweetly. “I do respect it. I’m not telling you to change anything. I am telling you my boundaries count too. I don’t leave my dog at home alone or in a kennel. So I can’t accept.” She started to become really upset, even angry that I wouldn’t change my boundaries for how my dog is treated and what I will do with her, to accommodate her need for a house-sitter.

“Well, dogs are non-negotiable,” she said in a tone that told me her husband had made that very clear.

“I understand and respect that. But my boundary about my dog is non-negotiable too.”

“But where am I going to find a house sitter I trust?” she said. “You have to do it.” She was trying to make HER problem my problem. I wasn’t falling for it.

“Actually, no. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I’m willing to help you out, but only if you’ll flex on your boundary about dogs, but if you can’t, then I can’t sit for you. That’s pretty basic. I’m not willing to flex on the kennel thing because of the cost (she wouldn’t pay for it), or the health risk and the potential of losing my dog (who is old) to a disease so you can go on vacation for a week.”

This went on for about 20 minutes. She didn’t grasp the fact that other people (me) have boundaries that deserve respect too. She believed that her boundaries should be respected, and that the world should change to make sure that happened. She was very angry at the suggestion (and reality) that other people have boundaries and have the right to say no to things they don’t want to do, especially if it means not getting her way.

I started noticing that a lot of people act this way. They want to have, enforce and talk about their own boundaries, but are unwilling, even hostile about other people doing the same.

A woman I know who dropped a project we were working on together took off for two weeks, telling me she needed to take care of her health, and that her self-care was a non-negotiable boundary. I was fine with that and willing to reschedule. So I wished her well and rescheduled, even at some inconvenience for me.

Two months later when I had health and financial issues and needed to drop the project to take care of myself and my business, she wasn’t as accepting. It was okay for her to take care of herself, but when I did the same she told people I’d “dropped the ball,” or “bailed on her,” and generally trashed me for taking care of me. That told me right off the bat that in spite of her insistence that she was the “boundary queen” that she didn’t get the whole boundaries thing. She didn’t get it. She didn’t respect me or others with boundaries and wasn’t a safe person. Good thing I found out early in the project! She never once called, emailed or stopped by to check on me, even though she knew my history of fibro etc. going into the project.

There are dozens of examples I could give, but the point is, other people have boundaries too. If you want people to respect your boundaries, then respect theirs. Learn to accept people’s “No” or learn how to negotiate and communicate flexibility.