I received several emails this weekend from people in my life addicted to drama, and several emails from people asking me what to do about the people in THEIR lives who are addicted to drama.

It must be the full moon.

Some people in our lives are healthier than others and just have a few weak spots that need shoring up and come to us looking for encouragement, not to be rescued. Others are people we should routinely ignore.

There’s a way to tell a difference. The ones I ignore tip their hand with two or three little words, “YOU SHOULD,” or “YOU NEED TO.” If this is you, tell me you weren’t thinking when you wrote that email or picked up the phone and wrote or said:

“YOU need to do something…..”

Um. No I don’t. And no your friend doesn’t. It is not our responsibility to fight your battles, act out your dramas or get caught up in your family shit. It’s NOT our problem and smart people won’t be manipulated, tricked or guilted into taking it on.

You don’t have anyone to help you pack and move? Hire someone. You have $250,000 in your 401K. Not my problem that you’re too stingy to let go of a few hundred bucks to get your stuff cross country. I quit moving people I don’t know for the price of pizza and beer in college. The last time I heard from you was almost two years ago - the last time you moved and needed slave labor. I’m not a free back and pair of arms. HIRE SOMEONE.

Your brother doesn’t have rent money this month because he smoked it, drank it, partied it away or took his new girlfriend out on the town last week? That is NOT your problem unless you want it to be. Me? I wouldn’t take it on. Why WOULD you?

Your daughter’s in love with a drunk dialer and you’re tired of answering the phone at 3 a.m. when the bars close and he gets lonely and your daughter’s at work? So don’t answer the phone. It’s not my responsibility to call him and talk to him because you don’t have a spine, good boundaries or don’t want to turn your phone’s ringer off. When you suffer the consequences of no sleep and lose your job because you can’t get up the morning after listening to a drunk bore you for an hour, trust me - you’ll LEARN to say “NO!” or hang up on the bastard.

Your funny uncle isn’t so funny any more and is molesting your niece? And you WRITE me to tell me that “No one knows what to do about it.”!? I can’t believe that. No one WANTS to do anything about it is more likely. Too much drama potential with the uncle there. You ALL KNOW the right thing to do, but you don’t want to do it. Big difference between not knowing what to do and being willing to do it once you have an answer. Not convinced? Okay. It’s simple. Call Child Protective Services, call the police, call someone and get the child out of the home, or TAKE the child out of the home yourself and let the abuser know you WILL call both the police and CPS if they insist on getting them back before enrolling in therapy and you all talking to the therapist about what’s best for all. Don’t call me. Call a lawyer. Call a therapist. Call a cop. I’m none of those. It’s not my family and I am up to my own ass in alligators right now. It’s NOT my problem. It’s yours.

Listen guys, friends are NOT people who do your dirty work or set and enforce your boundaries for you. They’re not people you go to to get bailed out because your own boundaries suck, because you made bad choices, or because you’re spineless or lazy or a people pleasing toady who doesn’t want to confront the people who are using you as a doormat. If THEY have good boundaries they won’t get involved and you’ll have guilt feelings for asking.

I have my own list of panic attack, sphincter clutching, nail biting life crisis and relationship/client situations to confront. I’m in my own co-dependent hell of my own making and poor decisions, and I know it. So I can only deal with my stuff. Unless you want to swap one of your dramas for one of mine, we can’t do business.

So, please DO NOT write me and tell me I:

• HAVE to do something
• SHOULD do something
• COULD do something

about a problem that does not directly and immediately impact ME. I’m willing to say, “I’m sorry for you. That’s awful. I’ll pray for you. I’ll be thinking of you. That’s got to be painful.” or something along those lines, but I will not fight your battles for you. Please stop asking. And leave your friends alone if you want them to remain your friends. We’re all adults here. We’re in the situations we’re in because we made the decisions that got us here. There’s a difference between helping someone and being mutually supportive and using or manipulating or roping someone into something you don’t want to deal with. The biggest clue is the concept of reciprocity is at work and both of you are doing your own heavy lifting 99% of the time. We all need a hand now and then, but don’t expect other people to run your life. It really doesn’t work.