Fools are some of the smartest people I know. I know. I used to be one and still am from time-to-time. Fools are also some of the most talented, brightest and seemingly intelligent people in the room. Yet they are still fools and I’ve learned that talking to them, or acting like one, hurts me more than it helps.

What is a fool? I’m using Dr. Henry Cloud’s definition from his most recent book, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward

“A fool is someone who does not take ownership of the problems they are responsible for.”

I stopped talking to fools because I realized that it makes ME a nag, and it doesn’t change the situation at all. I stopped being a fool because I realized it was hurting me. People were offering me gifts and I was throwing them back in their face!

For example, have you ever had an employee, or a spouse, or a friend who claims they are never wrong or never at fault? That’s the sign of a fool.

I have a friend who was (and still is) convinced that her projects fail because there are no good service providers. It’s never her problem - she is always the unhappy recipient of the wrong people, the wrong team and the wrong “experts.” She constantly bemoans the fact that no one meets deadlines, no one “sees” her vision and that no one is worth all the money she pays them.

I refuse to work with her because when it comes to work, she’s a fool. I don’t mind going to lunch with her, but I don’t talk work with her anymore. Why? She can’t hear, absorb or take in feedback about why the people she hires and the things she does fail. I have explained several times WHY her projects don’t get completed and why she is always upset with the people she hires. But she won’t listen. She won’t own the behavior and attitudes that she has that keep her from seeing projects completed successfully. What I’ve explained the problem is:

(1) She pairs her friends, like a woman who went to school with her who is “dabbling” in design, to work with professionals who know their stuff and are used to meeting deadlines. Her “designer” friend relies on her “muse” to speak and can’t deal with deadlines, doesn’t know what a wire-frame is, and has no desire to make her design a real “job,” but still wants to “help” her friends on the rare occasion she creates a design that works. That’s fine, until you try to hire professionals to work with her. It’s like hiring a sophomore with dreams of med school to assist on a heart surgery operation. Rather than simply taking her friend’s design and handing it to the professionals she wants her friend to “have a voice” in what happens and in any changes and so on. If you’re a designer or a professional creative you see where this train wreck is heading right?

The professionals spend hours explaining the design basics this woman would get in school - if she would go to school, and then of course charge my friend for their time once they realize this isn’t another professional who needs to be pointed in the right direction, but someone who actually needs their hand held through the whole process. Her inexperience delays the projects and results in cost overruns and all kinds of hassles. It’s like dealing with the son of the boss who knows he can’t be fired.

(2) My friend has deadlines she expects her providers to meet, yet she never meets THEIR deadlines for her. “I’m the one who’s paying,” she says. “They need to work around me.” Nice thought, but you can’t expect someone to deliver a project 24-hours after you give them materials they needed two-weeks ago.

(3) When professionals learn about her arrangements the smart ones turn her down - earning her ire. She’s convinced THEY are “inflexible.”

Then there’s the co-worker (I’ve had many like these) who is never at fault. If the report isn’t done, the story isn’t finished, the project not wrapped up - someone else is at fault - even if they were the ones supervising the project.
“I called the mayor once and he hasn’t called me back,” a reporter I worked with would say. Unlike most reporters who hound their subjects for a quote, he was reluctant to call more than once. His stories were consistently weak or canned all together because he couldn’t get hold of people. But he blamed the people he called. “They didn’t get back to me. They didn’t answer my email. They didn’t give me the information I needed. That’s not my beat.”

The rest of us found other sources, kept calling or emailing or showed up in person with notebook in hand. It’s what the job demands. He didn’t last long. When he was fired he blamed the editor for not spending enough time with him, not training him, and so on - which might have been true - but he also never asked for help and turned it down when it was offered. In spite of feedback and help from all of us he would not own his inability to do the job.

Fools, Cloud says, “Reject feedback, resist it, explain it away and do nothing to adjust to the reality of the situation. A fool tries to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it.” Being foolish has nothing to do with brains and everything to do with owning your responsibility and your reality.

It’s hard to hear feedback, especially if it’s critical and especially if it hurts or we really don’t want to hear it. If we’re lucky we’re on the receiving end of feedback from someone who understands that and offers it in a loving, caring way. But even if we’re not, it’s still important to understand that feedback - even from a troll or jerk - may have some truth to it. You don’t have to make the troll a hero for happening to hit on the truth, but you’re a fool if you don’t spot the reality in the remark and act on it. The other day a reader wrote to point out all the misspellings on my blog. I thanked her. She had taken time out of her life and day to do that and to let me know. It was a gift. I hate having those errors, but they’re there and it’s up to me to fix them. I know people who would rage and be offended by the same offer. They’re fools. Feedback, even the hard stuff, is a gift. Remember that when you’re giving it and when you’re getting it - no matter how it stings or how hard it is to hear. Thank the giver and then crawl away to lick your wounds and consider the feedback if you must, but accept it graciously and gratefully.

Cloud lists all the traits of fools in his book. Here are a few:

When given feedback fools are defensive and immediately come back at you with reason why whatever happened is not their fault. If you’ve ever told an alcoholic their drinking is out of control their response might be, “Well, you’re fat, or who are you to point a finger?!” or something to deflect the reality of their drinking behavior. They may externalize the mistake and blame someone else - “I wouldn’t drink so much if you weren’t such a nag.”

When you give a wise person feedback talking through the issue strengthens your relationship with them. When you give feedback to a fool it only creates conflict, alienation or a breach in the relationship.

Sometimes the energy shifts and they make YOU the problem.

The fool will minimalize a problem - saying, “So I drove the car through the back of the garage. What’s the big deal? I can fix it in a weekend.”

They rationalize the problem, coming up with excuses about why it’s not their fault or problem or why they’re not responsible.

Their emotional reaction has nothing to do with remorse and they usually have no awareness or concern for the problems and pain their failure to take responsibility has on other people, including the one giving them feedback.

They see themselves as the victim and you and anyone else who gives them feedback as the “bad guys.”

Cloud’s advice for how to handle talking to fools? Stop talking to them.

At least stop talking to them about the problem. Start talking to them about how the fact is that no change is happening and that is the problem. Once you take that route you must then do two things - impose limits and consequences to stop the fool dead in their tracks. Until THEY feel the pain of their actions, they won’t change.

For instance, if you have a teen-age son who is not taking out the trash and your nagging (nagging is simply the act of talking to a fool) isn’t working you have to impose limits and consequences - “Chores around the house are how we all contribute to the household running well and unless you’re too sick to move, chores are mandatory not elective. Your chore is the trash. The trash needs to be taken out every night after supper. If it’s not taken out you can’t use the car.” Then don’t nag. When the trash is not taken out then neither is the car. If you give an allowance, or have some other consequence for failing to do a chore, use that. When people suffer consequences for their actions they change, comply or leave.

It’s a simple strategy really.

“Quit talking about the problem and clearly communicate that because talking is not helping, you’re going to take steps to protect what is important to you,” Cloud says.

“Give limits that stop the collateral damage of their refusal to change, and where appropriate, give consequences that will cause them to feel the pain of their choice not to listen.”

While we can all jump on the bandwagon let’s also look in the mirror. Are YOU ever the fool? Do you react and get defensive when someone approaches you with feedback and tries to show you where you’re failing? Or do you get all huffy, angry and defensive? Not everyone is able to give honest, caring feedback. Hearing, “You’re such a clusterf-k. If you’d stop _____, then this sh** wouldn’t happen,” may be honest feedback, but it’s also triggering for most of us - making us feel angry, hurt or defensive - not at the feedback, but at the abusive criticism of us. But when someone is honestly caring and concerned, how do you respond? If you can’t say, “You know, you’ve got a point there, I am doing this all wrong,” then at least say, “I appreciate your feedback. I need some time to think about it. Maybe we can talk about this tomorrow?” and then go deal with your wounded pride and hurt feelings.

At least consider what your friend/boss/client has to say. Keep the conversation going. Good feedback is a gift. The other day I asked about form when doing calf raises. My trainer said, “I think when you point your toes like on this exercise it puts a lot of unnecessary strain on your knees.” That was good feedback and I’d asked for it. I’d been trained to do the exercise like that by other weightlifters and the first response was to say, “Well, that’s how so-and-so showed me how to do it….” but I bit my tongue. She was right. I thanked her for the feedback. It didn’t matter where I learned it or who taught it to me. I was the one doing it and she had just offered me a gift - instruction on how to do it right.

When a client sent back a document the other day and said, “My last writer did ____ and _____ and I found out that makes it easier for me.” I didn’t respond with, “Well, I do it like this.” I considered that feedback and said, “That’s good to know. I want to make things easier for you. I haven’t done it that way before but I’m willing to give it a shot. It may improve my method.” The client seemed relieved and said, “Oh good. If it’s a problem, let me know and we’ll figure out something else.” The method worked well and I’ve incorporated it into my routine now - something that wouldn’t have happened if I rejected the feedback. The exchange brought us closer together too since he saw I was open to working together and communicating to solve a problem. Fools never get that chance to build a relationship. Wise men/women do.

You can’t set limits and consequences unless you have good boundaries and unless you’re strong enough to enforce those boundaries. Cloud has an entire chapter on fools, and on wise people and on evil people. Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forwardis the best book I’ve read in a long time. I suggest you check it out.