Back when I had time to burn, I did. I never paid that much attention to how long something took, or the cost of doing one thing over another. I have some regrets about those days, but I don’t dwell on them. Recently however I’ve been paying more attention to my time - what it’s worth, who values it, how I spend or if I invest it. So I’ve started noticing some things - Like how little other people will value our time if we let them. It’s part of an ongoing process of learning and enforcing my boundaries. For instance:

A few years ago I did a favor for a friend. I taught her how to replace the spark plug in her riding lawn mower. I spent 30 minutes showing her how to do it, and another hour running around with her to various auto parts stores to find the spark plug socket because she was “intimidated” by auto parts stores and didn’t know what she was looking for. For about two hours of my time and hers, she saved about $50 bucks.

I do a lot for friends and don’t even consider the cost of my time or what I lose by doing that sort of thing. It’s what I do. But I was struck by how angry she was to see how easy it was to replace a spark plug, and how angry she got at how much small engine repair places charge for doing that. I pointed out it wasn’t replacing the spark plug that cost her - it was knowing HOW to do it. She didn’t get it.

Then she complained that I “made” her buy the socket ($8) to replace her spark plug because she would only use it once whereas I owned “tools” and this would be another tool I could own - as though the mere act of owning tools somehow gave me pleasure (not owning a lawn mower, I would NEVER use it, but she assumed it would be something I would enjoy owning so she could borrow it if need be and not have to pay for it herself). She complained about how much everything but MY time cost. She took me for granted and took the time I invested in her for granted.She didn’t value my time because I didn’t.

She called a few months after that and wanted me to explain to her how to do Public Relations, how to interview someone, and to ask me to write up a pitch script she could read for convincing television and radio stations to interview her clients. She would be getting paid for this. This was all for a new job she got by telling the recruiter she knew how to do these things, but actually had never ever done them. She wanted me to train her essentially. She didn’t see it that way, but I did.

“It’ll only take you a minute,” she said. “You’re so good at it and I need this job.” (She didn’t need the job. She’s a trust fund baby who keeps more money in her checking account than I’ve ever made in my entire life.) I pointed out it would take no less than 3 hours just to write the script and a day or more to train her, then to be around when she had questions. Two weeks was NOT “just a minute.” And it would be time I wouldn’t be making a living myself.

I said sure, “For $1,500.” I explained that I write those sorts of things for a living and teach people to do those things, for a living. What I could teach her for $1,500 would make her far more money than that - she’d clear that the first month. She was furious. She somehow believed she had a right to MY time. She didn’t talk to me for two years and then it was I who initiated the next contact when I was in town and wanted to see if she wanted to have lunch. She assumed we weren’t friends because I had said no to doing that for free, and enforced my boundaries regarding my time by charging for my time. She didn’t understand that a friend can say no and still be a friend. Boundaries.

I once had a client hire me to write a book. He agreed to pay my rate, and then got excited when he realized I had enough material for two books. So he asked me expand the material into two books. I agreed, but told him I had three other projects I was working on and needed more time. He said okay and I finished the project. He seemed happy, or so he said. Then later he complained about how MY delay screwed up production on his second book. Now, get this, I wasn’t the one who wanted the second book. I expanded it at his request, not mine. The second book will make him WAY more money than just one book.

HE was the one making all the decisions. I just set my boundaries and told him what MY time constraints were. Now I’m the bad guy? I’m quite proud I set those boundaries and respected the time and commitments to other clients. I can’t change him and don’t want to try, but in the future I’ll be sure to be extra clear about time and boundaries.

Now he’s pissed and blaming ME for the headaches of rescheduling his life and graphics team to do a second book. It’s MY fault he stressed - or so he thinks. No, it’s actually NOT. It’s his for not finishing the ONE book, then scheduling the second for later instead of trying to save money and pinch pennies by doing them at the same time. He respected HIS time and boundaries, but not mine.

Another “friend” of mine used to be consistently late to lunch with me. 15-45 minutes late. EVERY time. She laughs about it, but now she laughs alone. She assumed I had time to sit around waiting on her to arrive. “You always bring something to do and you’re always early,” she said. “So it’s not like you’re not doing something.” Wrong. I have things I schedule for after lunch - and if I wait until she arrives and then order late, then I have to rush to eat and it makes me ill and I don’t enjoy it. So I explained all that and the next time she was late I said, “I really enjoy lunch with you, but I really hate it when you’re late every time. I will wait no more than ten minutes for you. I will order whether you’re here or not and I will leave when I finish eating if I have another appointment or something to do.” She laughed.

The next time she was 30 minutes late. I had already ordered and she was surprised that the waitress brought my order shortly after she sat down. I finished eating, chatted for a few minutes, then left - leaving her to eat most of her meal alone. She was not happy. The next time we met for lunch she was on time. We had a great time. The next time she was 40 minutes late, I ordered and ate, and I passed her in the lobby as I was leaving the restaurant on my way to another appointment. We don’t do lunch anymore unless we happen to be together and get hungry. I have boundaries. One boundary I set for myself is respecting my time.

Do you know what these three people have in common? NONE of them has good boundaries. None of them respect other people’s time. That’s not a problem if WE respect our own time, set boundaries and do our thing while they do theirs. But so many of us are caught up in the same kind of life they are - and we don’t understand our own boundaries - nor do we respect them. So, other people don’t either. So we get into all kinds of emotional grief because of our expectations, or lack of expectations…it’s like playing the game of life with no rules and no, well, boundaries. No one knows where the lines are, or what to do. So they muddle along feeling angry, put upon, taken advantage of and pissed off because they can’t figure out why other people aren’t “respecting them.”

When we’re dysfunctional like that, and have no boundaries what we’re doing is assuming and expecting other people will take care of us, or turn their lives inside out to accommodate us. Or worse, we do the same - putting our own interests aside to take care of other people and then feel used and angry because they don’t appreciate us.

And if we are co-dependent - chances are, we will keep doing that, never stopping to wonder how to change it. It feels soooo familiar - so it “must” be right, we think. And we assume we’ve just met a bad apple. Then we go on to the next person, who is the same, and then the next and the next. It becomes our life and we hate it. It leads to a lot of grief and heartache, manipulation and frustration as we go around trying to control other people to get what we want, and allowing them to control us to get what they want. You simply can’t do that unless you like living your life like a bad soap opera.

I’ve spent the last two years learning about boundaries. I’m not perfect at it, but I’m so much better than I was. I credit Dr. Henry Cloud and his books, particularly The One-Life Solution: Reclaim Your Personal Life While Achieving Greater Professional Success but he has literally dozens of books on boundaries and I’ve never been disappointed in any of them.

I’m writing about time, my time, your time…because I think it’s important that we realize that when we respect our own time we begin to notice that a lot of other people don’t. And when we notice that other people aren’t respecting our time, we realize they aren’t respecting us. And if they aren’t respecting us, why do we want them in our life?

I’m culling people now….people who don’t understand that no simply means no, and it isn’t the end of our relationship and I’m not mad, I’m just setting boundaries. I’m not selfish, I’m just taking care of myself like adults do. I’m culling people who only expect me to things do for them, but who never reciprocate - or reciprocate begrudgingly while pouting like a five-year-old. These are people who only reciprocate because they think they have to in order to force me to do something down the road - PURE manipulation.

I’m culling people who understand it’s okay to ask me for anything, but who don’t understand it’s NOT okay to whine and complain, or to pitch a fit and act hateful when I say no. I’m culling people who don’t respect me. It’s really opening up my plate and I like it. You might want to try it. When we clean out the clutter in our lives - be it people, bad habits, dysfunction or emotional baggage - there’s so much more room for the good people, effective habits and true love and happiness. I hope you find yours. I’m finding mine.