They’re boundaries for a reason
I don’t think I’ve seen a photo yet that demonstrates the need and concept for boundaries better than this one to the right. If you have a lawn (or a life) that you don’t want trampled and used by hordes of people, you don’t attack the people, you just put up a fence, and maybe a sign or two that says, “Private property,” or something stronger like, “No trespassing” or “Keep out.”
The thing is, people RECOGNIZE what a fence looks like, its purpose and concept that it separates THEM from the area BEHIND the fence. MOST of them will respect the fence and the concept and remain behind the barrier. Even though they COULD easily cross over it, they get the whole idea that in a civil society the idea is NOT to breach the boundary unless it’s a matter of life and death, or unless they get the owner’s permission etc.
Unfortunately, there are millions of people who never learned, or were never taught, or have a hard time respecting the invisible, intangible or verbal fences that others use. It’s not their fault (usually) they are boundary-less. Many didn’t/don’t know how to recognize a personal boundary. I sure didn’t! For those people there are books, therapists, coaches and mentors or blog posts and websites that can help teach them about boundaries and boundary setting. I had to learn about boundaries late in life too (age 50!), so you can too! And no, it’s NOT easy.
WHY PEOPLE VIOLATE BOUNDARIES
One reason so many of us violate other people’s boundaries is because many of us don’t know how to express our boundaries clearly, or we send mixed messages, or no messages. We may be inconsistent with our boundaries — enforcing them one day or time, but not the next.
Others deliberately violate boundaries because they’re narcissists and they can’t mentally or emotionally grasp the whole concept that the world and the people in it are separate from them. So, they are literally unable to recognize, and unwilling to honor or respect boundaries.
Some people crave the feel of power and feel entitled and above the need to recognize boundaries — like bosses, or family members, or law enforcement or others who think their power, position or relationship to you is a free ticket or permission to violate your boundaries with impunity and without consequence. Husbands and dates who rape their spouse or partner may believe that being in an intimate relationship with you trumps your “No, I don’t feel like sex right now.”
Parents who interfere in the lives of their adult children after being asked not to, are another example. That pastor at church who keeps touching and hugging you after you’ve expressed a clear preference for NOT being hugged or touched is another. These are unsafe people. They’re unsafe because they’ve demonstrated their willingness to ignore or violate your boundaries. Flee their presence! They are UNSAFE people.
The best thing about boundaries is that, once you recognize what they are, how to create them and how to enforce them, life gets so much easier. Harder at first, but then so much easier. It’s like the difference between driving in a foreign country with no traffic laws and in a country with strongly enforced traffic laws. You feel safer. You know what to expect (most of the time) and you can get around easier, faster and safer. I’m writing this today to get the attention of both those who are boundary poor, boundary-less and the boundary rebels.
MY BOUNDARIES
I get hundreds of emails a day with all kinds of requests. People want everything from money and donations, to support, answers for a problem they have, or just time and resources and my attention. Some just send me a meeting time and assume I’ll join or be there, or be interested and become enraged when I don’t join, show up or care. Some I say “Yes,” to. Others I say “No,” to. That’s my choice and my right to decide where to invest my time, attention, resources and money, just as it is your right to do the same.
TIP: Just because you want my time and attention doesn’t entitle you to it.
I only have so much time in a day to respond to numerous requests, or to work, sleep, interact with friends etc. In order to decide where to invest my attention and time I have to know what’s involved and if it’s something I want to invest in. I have to say “No,” to some requests. In order to do that I need information from the person asking for my time. If I ask you to tell me what you want to talk about, that’s a request for information so I can determine how much time to allot, or if I want to pursue your project; I’m NOT making idle chit-chat.
Yes, you are FREE to set a boundary and refuse to divulge any information UNTIL you talk to me. You have a right to set that boundary and I respect it. However, you’ll probably go to the grave with that information because I don’t talk to people without knowing what they want to talk about. That’s MY boundary. See? Boundaries have consequences.
Boundaries are about controlling OUR reactions, wants, responses and needs. They are NOT about manipulating or controlling the other person — even though someone may feel or think they’re being manipulated. I often have people say, “You’re manipulating me.” No. I’m not. I’m saying “I will do this if you will do that.” It’s a negotiation. A car dealer says, “I will give you a car if you give me $24,000.” I can give him the money and get the car. Or, I can say, “I don’t have the money, don’t want to pay that much for it, etc. etc.” but if I can’t give him the money he is asking for, I don’t get that car. That’s not manipulation. Manipulation is subversive and doesn’t leave you with freedom to choose. You always have a choice. For instance:
When someone emails me and says, “I’d love to talk to you, do you have 5 minutes?” My answer, unless I know them, is usually, “Not right now, but maybe we can schedule something. What would you like to talk about?” I know from experience that “5 minutes” is always at least 30, so I respond accordingly and ask for more information so I can make a decision before I commit to the time.
If it’s a sales person, they usually want to pitch their product. I say, “No,” unless I’m interested in their product. If it’s a new client I say “Yes,” if their project or job is something I know I have time for, or that I want to do. I don’t want to do, or am not interested in or skilled enough to do all the work that comes my way so I often say “No thank you.” I also say “No,” to 90% (or more) of the requests I get to work for free (pro bono) or reduced rates. I have bills to pay. I drive a 40-year old car that’s in the shop more than it’s out. I like to eat at least once a day. I cannot afford to work for free. Which reminds me…Sometimes I head the question “Will you work for free?” off at the pass. I tell people who are “raising money” that “My pro bono calendar is full.” They are often offended, but why? Because I was clear about my boundaries?
I schedule my time so I don’t get distracted, derailed or dragged away. I’m seeing more and more that people don’t like this. They think, for whatever reason, that they’re entitled to my time, resources, money or attention on their terms, not mine.
People are free to ASK anyone, me included, for help, but they are NOT ENTITLED to receive it. That seems to be a sticking point for more and more people. Asking for something does not guarantee you’ll get it. Pitching a fit and calling people names ENSURES you’ll NEVER get it or anything else.
If I’m busy and I have a friend, assistant or my business coach/partner or a hired third party tell you “No,” on my behalf (usually after you have repeatedly ignored ME and I’m on to other things) and you’re offended, angered or pissed off — that’s your right, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to change my mind. “No” means “No.” It doesn’t mean keep asking. If you keep asking, I’ll keep ignoring you. Persist and most people would consider you a stalker.
I am NOT THE MOMMY. Your feelings are not my responsibility. If you are offended or disappointed or angry by being told, “No,”or “No thanks,” those feelings are YOURS to deal with, not mine.
So, if you’ve read this far and are still with me, thank you. I appreciate your time and am glad you chose to read my blog.