Boundaries are Absolute, NOT Optional

I’ve dealt twice with Marines with machine guns who I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt, had no reservations about shooting me. Once was at Quantico when I was taking pictures of the air field during a closed event. I hadn’t seen the “No photos, all violators will be shot,” sign until a burly young man dripping with weapons and possessing absolutely no sense of humor, informed me he’d have to shoot me if I didn’t stop taking photos and didn’t delete the ones I had. I complied, quickly.

The other was at a traffic accident some 20 years ago. I was part of a rescue squad who arrived, on scene, with highway patrol, local police etc. at a tanker/tractor trailer truck accident that looked pretty bad. We were stopped by a military road block just shy of the accident scene. They informed all of us we would be shot if we insisted on going past their road block. It was a military accident and they were “handling it.” Even the toughest state trooper took them seriously and we turned around. I never did find out what that was all about, but I had no doubts that their boundary was not to be violated. It wasn’t the guns that bothered me. It was knowing that they would not tolerate any breach of their boundaries, even the testing of their boundaries. That was clear. The consequence for doing so was being shot. I have NO doubt of that.

Since then the military’s clear adherence and enforcement of certain boundaries has become my standard for how to set and enforce my own boundaries. It’s helped me a lot, although it’s pissed off a lot of obnoxious salesmen. Too bad. They seem to think they can intimidate or harass me into buying something, and they’re sorely disappointed. When I say “No,” that means I’m just not buying and I’m crossing THEM off the list for when I decide to buy.

When a customer service rep tried to sell me something recently, before answering my question and complaint about the other product I’d just bought and was having problems with, I said, “I’m not interested in buying anything more until my current situation is resolved. So no. I don’t want that.” He kept insisting. I said “No,” one more time and then as his voice got higher and more strident and adamant that I buy this service. I simply hung up on him.

Car dealers have recently been calling me non-stop, and emailing 3-4 times a day since I foolishly put my contact information into a website to get more details on a car. They don’t understand the word “No,” either. One dealer, bless his heart, said, “Thanks! I’ll talk to you after the 15th then.” HIM? I’ll be more likely to buy a car from. He gets it.

Some clients, focused on their project and their project only, often push, and continue to push after I say, “No, I can’t do that.” or “No, that won’t work for me.” They seem incredulous that they can’t always get what they want. It annoys me and hurts their credibility with me.

Acquaintances do the same. I really don’t like it. Throwing money, promises or guarantees I’ll enjoy something doesn’t work either.

The fact is, “No means No.” Just because you ask for it, doesn’t mean you’ll get it. If you don’t respect my boundaries chances are I’ll cut you off entirely. I don’t have the time, energy or resources to argue, debate or deal with people who don’t respect me, my time or my boundaries. So, here’s a basic primer:

• “No” does not mean maybe. When I say, “No thanks, I’m not interested,” that really means, “No thanks, I’m not interested.”
• When I say, “I’m on a deadline right now. I can’t do it until next month. Call me after the 5th of the month,” it does NOT mean badger me with emails or call before then. It means exactly what I’ve said. You can say, “I understand you’re busy and this is important to me. When is a good time to talk?” Then respect that date/time and don’t send me 20 emails before then.
• When I say, “This is my rate. I’ll need X number of dollars to do this project,” that’s what I charge. If you don’t want me to badger you to pay me more money, then don’t badger me to take less money.
• If I have told you I don’t want to be your friend, or don’t want to be involved with you, or to have contact with you in any way, that’s because I don’t. Seriously. I DON’T. You’ve probably had 10 or more chances to be a decent, standup person or friend and you’ve failed miserably at least several times. You’ve blown it. You’ll need to go find someone else to abuse, manipulate, use and disrespect. You have NOTHING to offer me and I’m no longer interested in anything you have to say. If you couldn’t get it together when I was willing to work with you, and you blew ME off, then you’re not going to get it together now. I don’t get to this point with many people, but when I do, it’s seriously the end of our connection. Keep bothering me and there’s this great little thing called an order of protection I can get because at that point—you’re a stalker.

People seem to think boundaries are “optional,” meaning, if they agree with them, THEN they’ll respect them, and if they don’t, they won’t. That’s fine. That’s how boundaries work—except boundaries come with consequences. When you don’t respect the boundaries, that’s when the consequences come into play.

As in:

When I tell you not to stop by my office without an appointment, I mean that. The first time you do it I will repeat my boundary and add the consequence: “Do not stop by my office without making an appointment. If you do, I won’t answer the door, or your phone call.”

As one person found out recently, I really won’t answer the door. Standing there saying, “I know you’re in there,” doesn’t work either. Feeling foolish yet? Make an appointment. I have two people in my life who are welcome to “just stop by,” but they earned that right.

Violating someone’s boundaries sends a strong message, other than the fact you’re not a safe person to do business or have a relationship with. It tells people you:

• Don’t respect them
• Don’t respect their time
• Don’t respect their needs or requests
• You are selfish and self driven and willing to step on those who get in your way
• You’re manipulative
• You’re not trustworthy
• You’re unpredictable and likely to offend

Who the heck wants someone like that in their lives? I don’t. I don’t mind people writing, calling, asking or whatever. I enjoy it. I welcome it! What I don’t welcome is when I tell people what my boundaries are and they ignore them.

How do you handle boundary violators?