A friend of mine just fell in love - with her new kitten. We were emailing back and forth about how to deal with *making a cat allergy proof (for the human, not the cat!), and other care and feeding, snuggling tips when it hit me that all new relationships (and even old ones) require “care and feeding” tips and attention.

Young kittens cry, and miss their siblings and their mom. So they need extra care and feeding to get the relationship off on the right foot. The fact is, when you start any relationship, the first few weeks and months are really about learning about the “care and feeding,” of that kitten, person, animal, job, car, house or whatever you have a relationship with. If you start off on the wrong foot, that care and feeding stage takes longer and the relationship may not be as strong as it could have been if you started out knowing more about what you were getting into. Just like with the dog, job, date, kitten or neighbor, the tone you set with the early stages of “care and feeding,” carries through to the end of that relationship.

And if the relationship turns out to be bad, or dysfunctional, then there’s knowing how to leave it…how to stop feeding it and caring for or about it. But it’s all a choice. And the relationships we choose to have, to feed and to care for, ultimately end up defining us, supporting us, or destroying us. So it’s important to chose wisely.

I recently joined Gold’s Gym for instance. And I’ve visited each of the three gyms in the area to see which one “fits” for me. There’s the gym with the big bald dude who grunts and frowns and seems to hate fat people in his gym since he is not at all enthused about my questions and has this eye-rolling thing going on - like a teen-age boy who’s been asked to take out the trash in the middle of a Victoria’s Secret commercial.

Then there’s the gym with all the 20 somethings who spend more time talking and laughing behind the counter with each other than interacting with gym goers. I keep wondering where the camera for the reality show about gym-associates is.

Finally, there’s the smallest, oldest, most worn, and my favorite - the one where they say, “Hi Becky,” when I walk in, and “Bye Becky” when I leave. They acknowledge me - usually with a big smile. It makes a difference. I feel like I’m walking into a community, rather than a warehouse. I go to the other gyms when I want to swim, but I’m there for the pool, not the atmosphere. I don’t - at this point, care to feed it. I’m content to be ships passing in the night with the staff there because I have a home elsewhere. It’s a choice.

We may not get a choice in who we work with, but we can choose our friends, partners and who we spend time with.

I realized recently I need to make wiser choices about what and who I care for and feed. For instance, I have a few dysfunctional relationships in my life. You know - the ones where you give and give and they simply walk all over you. You give. They take. You’re supportive and encouraging. They’re critical and derogatory. You care. They could care less. You feed them, they feed off of you. All I’m doing is the emotional equivalent of throwing paper money into a bonfire. The more I feed it, the bigger it grows. It doesn’t change except to get bigger, hotter, and more dangerous.

For years those were the kind of relationships I seemed to have the most of. But as I get more functional relationships in my life I really don’t care to keep feeding the bad ones. So in the coming weeks I plan to give the boot to those relationships, and to find more supportive ones. Ones where I’m supported in my work, in my exercise, in my life. I think the difference in my life and stress levels will be astounding.

What about you? What are you caring and feeding that is in turn, feeding off of you? Is it time to starve it? Get rid of it? I encourage you to make it your New Year’s Resolution to treat yourself well and to dump the baggage of dysfunctional, abusive, energy draining and non-rewarding relationships. If you’ve tried and it’s not working and they’re not changing, and aren’t willing to change - then leave. Be good to YOU. No one else will if you aren’t.

*To allergy proof a cat - Basically you bathe them every day, or at least every week for six months (or just get them wet) so you force them to clean their fur, thus exhausting the gland that produces the protein that ends up in the saliva and on the fur that then makes the human feeding and caring for them sneeze and get hives. Doesn’t harm them - says my vet. But it makes life easier for owners!