Boundaries. It’s a concept I’ve struggled with my whole life - usually on the “boundary-less” end. But I’ve come to realize that having boundaries, setting them, enforcing them, recognizing them, is the key to a better life. It’s HOW we get out of situations we don’t want to be in. It’s how we get the courage to say “No,” to the things we don’t want to do. Boundaries are life - our life. If you don’t have them, don’t understand them, don’t keep them - then your life probably sucks. Mine does when I let my boundaries erode. So do most of us.

When we don’t have boundaries we allow ourselves to be pressured and manipulated and talked in to doing things we don’t want to do. When we are not sure it is okay to have our own life, we end up living everyone else’s life. We do for them, not for us. Eventually we get frustrated, angry and depressed and oddly enough, don’t understand why.

Boundaries go beyond just knowing how to say “No,” to people. Boundaries are about keeping things and people that aren’t healthy for us, out of our lives. Boundaries are how we keep bullies at bay. They’re how we know who is a good person, who is not. Boundaries are a way we recognize when we’re straying from our goals and our vision for ourselves, our family, our loved ones.

If you haven’t read much about boundaries, or don’t understand what they are - you’re not alone. The concept is simple, but initially, the practice is difficult - especially if you weren’t raised with healthy boundaries. The best books I’ve read on boundaries are written by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. The best online site I’ve found about boundaries is: http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

Here’s an example of boundaries and the ways people push at them. Hint, just because you have boundaries doesn’t mean people won’t try to trespass anyway:

You have been asked to volunteer for an event, and have said that you cannot. Watch the different tactics that might be used by someone who does not honor the boundaries of another:

guilt “But, I don’t have anyone else to volunteer.”
(repeat your boundary) “I hear that you are having a difficult time finding someone, I won’t be available.”

demanding an explanation “What are you doing that is more important that this?”
(you do not have to explain your reasons, just repeat your decision)”I understand that you need someone, but I won’t be available.”

anger “Now what am I supposed to do?”
(you hear their problem and restate your “no”)”I hear that this is frustrating, I won’t be available.”,

whining “This is such a hard job”
(don’t be swayed)”I hear that this is a hard job for you, but I won’t be available.”,

martyrdom “I guess I will just have to do it myself.”
(be firm with your decision)”I won’t be available.”

This is just a sampling of manipulation, there are many, many other tactics. Just keep stating that you hear their problem and keep restating your boundary with every tactic.

If you’ve ever had to say “No,” for any reason - and felt guilty, angry, depressed or frustrated you probably had your boundaries pushed…

Part of the reason I stayed in the van so long is because I had no boundaries, or not very strong ones anyway. I started listening to what others were saying when they disrespected me, when they called me “homeless,” or worthless.

When we look outside for self-definition and self-worth, we give our power away and set ourselves up to be victims. Empowerment is about choices. Being a victim is about not having choices - about feeling trapped. If you want to be empowered you have to start owning your choices, setting your boundaries and looking inside for self-definition and self-worth.

Whether you live in a mansion, a van, a box, a shelter or in a tent, you’re not defined by your “house.” You’re defined by your own thoughts. And YOU control those. So what will it be? WHO will you be?

(Thanks to Make My Christian Life Work. The examples above are from their website and altered for a secular audience.)

My apologies to Make My Christian Life Work:
http://www.make-my-christian-life-work.com/boundaries.html

The links and bottom of this post were cut off in an auto-save. I apologize to Kim West and thank them for the email pointing out the lack of links. Thank you!