Thirty minutes ago I was panicked. After a $400 doctor’s visit, a few days in a campground and some unexpected expenses (like a couple of tanks of gas after getting lost in the Virginia countryside - at $55 a tank) I was down, literally, to about $8 until Friday. Not as bad as it has been in the past, and yes, there are millions worse off, but it made me nervous. I felt scared, worried (the gas gauge on the van doesn’t work. I have to estimate my mileage and per gallon use) and I dreaded another night in the rain because I couldn’t “afford” to head south til tomorrow.

Three nights in the rain - that’s okay. I stayed warm, I have food, but I didn’t want to HAVE to STAY here because I was out of gas. For those who think the TED video brought me fortune, think again. I’m still a working stiff. A better known working stiff, but a working stiff.

Then I got an email. My paycheck (I write regularly for hack wages for a website that loved me before I figured out I could make more $$ per hour. They earned my loyalty for being such good folks!) came through - and with $$ came freedom. Freedom to fill up my tank, to buy lunch at this wonderful Bistro whose wifi I’m snagging for free, and to head south - toward warmer weather.

The relief at getting the deposit a day early was palpable. And for a minute or two the image of the other two van-dwellers I’ve been sharing a parking lot with at both Panera (for the wifi) and Wal-Mart, flashed into my head. One of the two was in a Chinook RV. We sort of followed each other from Panera and Borders to Wal-Mart and back, and shared the back lot a couple of nights. I wondered if he/she or the other van dweller (never saw either of them, only their rigs) go through the same thing.

If you’re homeless, you depend on handouts, day jobs, social security, pan-handling, part-time jobs or selling things (flea market, thrift stores etc) for money. The last time I lived in the van I PLANNED to freelance as I am now. That fell through and I got a job. This time, I have several steady clients, my webwork and “an income” of sorts. I’m working on a book (praying for a solid advance), and while I’m not rich by any stretch of the imagination, I’m not stuck in Denver waiting on minimum wage either. It’s feast or famine, but I don’t go hungry any more. There were weeks in Denver when I went for 3-4 days without food so I’d have gas money to get to work. I’d eat whatever birthday cake or snacks co-workers brought in. I lost almost 70 pounds that year. I’ve gained most of it back. Maybe I’ll rethink the fast food this time. Definitely!

I keep thinking about the TED talk and the difference between “being homeless,” and simply living in a van. I know it is attitude. But it’s also money. It’s definitely money - because having the money gives you the attitude and the power to make choices. Being homeless is a lot about not having choices.

I talked to a guy at a gas station filling up his RV and asked if he was a “full-timer” (he was driving a very expensive RV). He laughed and said, “Yeah, we’re officially homeless now,” like it was a fun thing. And for he and his wife, it IS fun to be “houseless,” but he’s not homeless. I’m houseless, but I’m not homeless. The difference? Attitude and money and choice.

I read the comments on the TED page and see that half the people “get it” and half want to argue about whether living in a van and hiding your living situation from the world while holding down a job is homelessness or not. I want the conversation to spread - what is homelessness? What is poverty? Why do we value people based on their money, their bank accounts? Even the self-help books and Suze Orman remind us that our bank accounts and our level of debt are indicators of who we are as people. That - our self esteem, our own value - how we treat ourselves, is reflected in how much money we have. And I have to wonder about that. Is it really?

When I was a child I dreamed of being a hobo - hopping freight trains and camping, traveling around to see the country. I hopped a train to school as a child. It saved me walking 2 miles. But when a friend fell off and under the train and died, I stopped hopping trains. Later, while working for a government office as a graphic artist, I was crossing the parking lot when a slow moving train rolled through. In a skirt and heels I hopped it…just stepped up on the ladder like I’d been doing it all my life. I rode the train for a couple of long, lazy blocks, laughing at the looks I got, then stepping down when the train slowed to a stop. It was the freedom I valued, not the lifestyle. As a police officer I learned later that riding the rails is a dangerous, dangerous lifestyle. So what is it really? I think homelessness, success, life - is all about a lot of things - primarily though, it’s about freedom, and the money that we think we need, and do need, to be free in ways that matter.

How I felt about myself BEFORE the deposit, and how I felt about myself AFTER, bothers me. I should feel/think of myself the same - regardless. Why didn’t I? Is it the freedom I have because I can BUY my way wherever I’m going now that makes me feel relief? Now that I can PAY my way (gas, food etc) I’m just another traveler right?

This thing we call freedom, whether freedom of speech, freedom of movement, freedom to obtain quality medical care, what is it really that makes us homeless? Is it connection with others? I don’t know. It’s why I decided to move back into the van again. It’s an important question. Because it will help us define homelessness, and more importantly, help us find a solution. People should not have to live in tents, in cardboard boxes, in gutters and cars and storage units.

There are many, many homeless who are mentally ill, addicted, unable to work. There are more who don’t want to work, who don’t want to be responsible. Ask anyone who works with the homeless. There’s a mix. There are still more who DO want to work, who could move into a home or house or shelter IF there were affordable options. I dare any of you to afford a $900 or $1,200 apartment on minimum wage. Yet, the so-called “affordable” housing (the $450 to $800) is in crime infested areas with drugs, gangs and run-down housing. But where do services go? To the wealthy areas. The poor pay taxes, but don’t get the services.

It’s all about the money. It’s all about the freedom. It’s all about ????? What do you think it’s about? What REALLY makes you homeless? Is it not having a home/house? What if you don’t want a house? Can a van or RV or campground be a HOME? Is it about choices? Is it about a job? Money? What do you think?