I’m checking air line flights for a trip I want to take next year. I’m a little nervous because I heard that airlines will be charging a “Pee Fee” after the new year. Yup. There’s a “Peak Travel,” fee for traveling at peak times. There’s a baggage fee for people who are foolish enough to want to bring along more than the clothes on their backs. There’s a “Fat fee” where you have to buy two seats if you weigh too much, and then there’s a long laundry list of fees for everything from a fuel fee to a fee for having kids, or pets…..and NOW I hear, since the Japanese are making travelers pee and poop before getting on the plane…there’s a “Pee Fee,” if you don’t. I’m not sure if an airline employee has to watch you pee, or if they’ll take your word for it.

Think I’m kidding? Nope. It’s on the list of additional fees many airlines are considering.

I’m convinced the porn industry is tied to the airlines somehow…they make us take off half our clothes now….and since the terrorist with the bomb up his butt…there’s talk of a body cavity search now. And you thought taking your SHOES off was annoying! I tell you, there’s a lot to be said for driving everywhere. You don’t have to take off your clothes, your shoes, pee in those nasty airline restrooms while an airline employee watches….and you sure don’t have to pay to fill your car trunk up with luggage.

Most of all you don’t have to pay the “Pay to Pee” fee…where you have to pay to pee once you get on board, whether you peed or not before boarding. What will happen, as one blogger points out, if you did’t have any change? Or what if you had an upset stomach? Are airlines prepared for mum and dad and crying children trying to all squeeze into the bathroom at once because they have only two quarters? Or - what if you ran out of coins!!? It’s another Sophie’s choice delima - who gets to pee, who has to hold it?

Another option, if you’re willing to pay the baggage fee, or the carry-on fee, you could carry on an empty container to your luggage, and instead of the pee fee, simply fill up the jar and carry it off (hide under your airline blanket (which are still free, at least on Virgin Airlines).

Of course urine resembles nitroglycerin, so you could be arrested as a suspected terrorist for carrying your own urine through the airport….and that means a body cavity search by an NSA employee with a GED, the I.Q. of the shoes they search, and a flip camera - so you can’t win. My guess is, the airlines want Obama to bail them out and the only way to do that is to drive themselves out of business with all these fees.

It bothers me because I can’t drive to Hawaii if I decide to go swim with dolphins next year..even if I drive to wherever it is I need to fly out of.

Whew. I guess I really just feel pretty good about living in a van. Even if it does only have a porta-potty I don’t have to pay to use it.