This has been a year of many deaths for me. Friends, an extended family member, former co-workers and others have died this year - some expected, some not, one this week and another last month. It’s hard, but it’s part of the cycle of life and death. None of us has a guarantee on tomorrow, or the next hour or the next day or minute. I’ve rescued several baby rabbits and a Blue Jay from the cats this week. And all of them have had another day or more they weren’t expecting. And that amazes me, that life is that fragile and temporary that we can be here one instant and gone the next. I ask, are you doing what you want to do NOW? I am - mostly.

I’ve been in the emergency room three times this month myself, with my face distorted so much friends wouldn’t recognize me the allergic reactions were so severe. It’s happened before, so I’m used to the progression of the reaction and can keep my calm as my breathing decreases. I recognize I need medical intervention to continue to live and I get it. My throat swells, I get lethargic, my eyes swell shut and my body moves towards a serious, life-threatening emergency. I could die. People die from allergies and allergic reactions every day. I take a risk by delaying at all, especially since each time this happens it could get bad faster than before and I’ll end up dead before I get to the ER. Not pretty.

I’m only a few pills away from dying. They stand between me and my body’s aggressive and chronic auto-immune response to some unknown allergen or stress right now. The scary thing is, stress could be what’s triggering the hives! Talk about stress literally killing you! Youch! I’m also allergic to bee and hornet stings. In the past I have stopped breathing and had my heart stop from multiple hornet stings years before a nice cardiac surgeon on the ambulance shocked me back.

I had the whole out-of-body thing then, so I am not afraid of dying. I just don’t want the pain or a lot of fear connected with the process you know? The floaty, light thing is cool and my personal faith in God comforts me. But gasping for breath is not how I want to go out. There are things I want to do before I pass on. I’m not ready to go anywhere yet. But lately, especially with some recent (extended family) deaths this week, I’ve been thinking about how I spend my days, what matters. What is important?

Yesterday I watered Bonnie’s freshly seeded lawn for an hour or so. It was wonderful to stand in the sun, in 70 degree temps, to think, to feel, to smell the freshly aerated lawn and wet earth, the spray of water, to just focus on getting the new seed wet….very relaxing. I needed it. I experienced watering a lawn like I did as a kid-playing with the water, getting wet, walking through puddles. When’s the last time you just experienced the moment? I didn’t think about anything much beyond watering and seed and the sun and the great day. It was like a mini-vacation.

I get a lot of emails from people who want to know how to guarantee, store up happiness, or ensure they’ll always be happy. I tell them they won’t. Not possible. You can only be as happy as you can be in any one moment. It’s like breathing. It doesn’t matter how much oxygen or air there is around you. You can only hold as much as your body can hold in each breath. But you don’t worry about that do you? Not unless your lungs aren’t working….then you would. But you always have enough to breath, right? When someone interrupts you with a cigarette or other pollutant you stop them or tend to it as you need to, to get your breath back. Do the same with happiness. Be in the moment. Be grateful. Enjoy every minute, every hour. It may be your last. Make it your best. And when you do that, you’ll go out happy, hopefully doing what you love.