We all dream of letting go of the cubicle, believing that once we do we’ll feel free. Well. Maybe not. Two weeks ago I let go - not of a cubicle, but of the security of an apartment. I put everything in storage and set off to see the USA, meet clients, write and travel. Yes, I moved back into my van. It’s become my office, my camper, my RV. And it’s scary. It’s not scary because I’m afraid of anything. I’ve already replaced (by myself!!) my alternator so I know I can handle repairs, change tires and all that. And the van is finally running well. I grew up in the south and know the places I’m traveling. So it’s not that. The fear is the fear of freedom

I keep feeling like I’m supposed to be somewhere, punching a clock, being someone’s good little employee, feeling deprived and miserable. I can’t shake it. Yet, I’m in a beautiful, friendly library in North Myrtle Beach, having just driven over here from Starbucks - and I’m only a block or two off of the beach. My van is parked under a huge, shady pine tree - very cool (temp) with a good breeze. My dog is happy. I’m happy. This morning I woke up early and spent nearly an hour photographing herons in a small inlet before the tide washed in (I promise photos later!) and then meeting with a client and his wonderful team at a gorgeous new spa (photos to follow). That’s not exactly the kind of work scenario where you feel lousy, even if you want to. Okay - so it was hot and humid, but I’m 100 yards off of the Atlantic ocean for crying out loud, and my time is mine to schedule as I want.

I’ll wrap up here and go to the beach later this afternoon, then find a park bench where I can enjoy the $2 Farmer’s Market watermelon I have chilling in the van in my cooler. I’ll sleep in the driveway (in the van of course!) of a very nice elderly woman I met in Starbucks - also near the beach, and then spend the rest of the week in my library “office” - since the shade is so nice, and it’s quieter than Starbucks.

I have client projects from around the world - yet I don’t have to “BE” anywhere but where I want to be. So why do I feel like I have to scurry back to some office or a friend’s house or someplace not nearly so nice as here? Weird.

Sometimes the freedom we want is frightening. But as a performance coach I know told me recently, “Fear is just a feeling. Feel it and move through it.” What a great thing to practice…..what is it that you want that is scaring you?