I love boundaries! They help me communicate to people how I work, how I relate, how I interact with people and clients and friends. They may or may not fit with how you work, but better to know that before you hire me or try to become my friend.

What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries and Policies are simply the rules we create for ourselves (not others) on how we will allow ourselves to be treated, for how we will spend our time, for what we will do or not do, and for when we will say no and what we will say no to. They are rules we create for ourselves to protect ourselves. A rule is different than a want. We may not want people to yell at us, but that is different than having a boundary that says we don’t allow people to yell at us.

Boundaries CONTROL OUR ACTIONS, NOT THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS. If you have a boundary that says you don’t allow people to yell at you, then when someone does yell at you your response to them might be, “I can’t think straight when people yell at me. I feel angry and scared and frightened when you yell. If you’d like to have a calm discussion I’m willing to do that. If that’s not possible, I will leave the room, (house, car, office or wherever you are) until you’re calm.”

What you have done is communicate your feelings, your boundaries and what you will do if the behavior that is unacceptable to you does not stop. They are free to keep yelling, but the consequence of that action is that you will leave. They still have a choice, and so do you. Boundaries, at their core, are about choice and consequence.

Are Boundaries Walls?
Poor boundaries may be walls, or they may be like sheets of Swiss cheese - full of holes. Neither is effective. Boundaries are not structures to keep people out, but to allow for healthy interactions based on how you have determined you want to be treated.

If you’re not familiar with the concept of boundaries, think of owning a house with a nice yard on a busy street. You have worked hard on your lawn and you don’t want anyone on it. It’s your lawn and you have that right to determine what you can or won’t do on it. It’s yours! It doesn’t matter what other people think of how you choose to manage your lawn. They have the right to manage their lawns. What matters is that you are very clear about not allowing people on your lawn.

So, how would you respond to someone who decided to park their car on your front lawn because there were no spots on the street to park and they had an “important” meeting? When I was a raging co-dependent (a person without any boundaries or with poor boundaries) I would say, “Well, he does have an important meeting, so just this once he can park on my lawn. After all, I do have a yard and he’s already there. I might need a ride someday and I might need to ask him for a ride. If I let him park in my yard he will give me a ride.” See the flawed thinking? If you don’t, then you may be co-dependent.

A person with healthy boundaries would calmly say something like, “I don’t allow cars in my yard. Please move it in the next two minutes. If you don’t move it I will call the police and have it towed. I have your license plate and if you damage my yard as you are leaving, or if it is damaged once you move the car I will send you a bill for that damage and expect payment within 48-hours.” If the person objected and said, “But I can’t find a parking place and it’s already there!” a person with boundaries would say, “Parking is indeed hard to find around here, and you have one minute now to move your car.” No matter how angry or frustrated or upset the other person was, THEIR EMOTIONS are NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Their parking issues are NOT your problem. Most people get that. They know that the person will be angry, that they may be tempted to scream, yell, tear up the yard on the way out, and do all sorts of things because they didn’t get their way. They don’t respect your boundaries. The car example is pretty obvious, but what about a neighbor who wants to sun-bathe in your yard? Or teenagers who want to play football? It doesn’t matter. If you don’t want them on your lawn, then no matter what the reason or excuse, the answer is “No,” you may not play or sun-bathe on my lawn.

But boundaries are not walls. Suppose one day you discover that a neighbor you really like loves to bar-b-q. They don’t have a lawn. They say, “You really have a beautiful lawn. I would love to come over and bar-b-q on it some weekend. May I?” Boundaries are flexible. We can let in who we want to let in and keep out who we want to keep out. You still aren’t crazy about anyone doing anything on the lawn, but you want this person to come over and bar-b-q because it sounds like fun. So you might say, “I would love to have you come over and bar-b-q, and I want to limit the bar-b-q to the back yard, not the front.” They are delighted and happy to respect your boundaries. You have a great time and the bar-b-q stays in the back yard. The next week a neighbor you know likes to get drunk and tear up lawns, asks to bar-b-q in your yard. You have a boundary that says you don’t waste time or energy on people you know could damage your lawn, so you say no. He says, “But you let so-and-so bar-b-q last week!” Your response is, “I did and we had a great time, but no, you may not bar-b-q on my lawn.” You don’t owe them an explanation. You can acknowledge what they are saying and still say “No.” You don’t have to justify your actions to them. You just don’t. It’s your lawn.

Your life, your self-esteem, your day-to-day is like that lawn. You let in people you want to let in, and keep out people and behaviors you want to keep out. You make the rules based on what makes you happy and comfortable and productive. NOT on what other people expect, demand or guilt you into. You do that by determining how you want to be treated and setting up consequences for when people violate those boundaries. You are NOT trying to manipulate or control other people. You can’t do that. You can only control your actions and boundaries.That doesn’t mean setting and enforcing boundaries is easy! It’s not!

I once had a boss who liked to yell at people across the newsroom. I thought it was rude and demeaning. When he yelled at me one day I took him aside and said, “When you yell at me across the newsroom I feel embarrassed and disrespected.” He said, “Well, it’s easier for me than walking across the room and I yell at everyone. What’s the big deal?” I said, “I hear that it’s easier for you, and I still think it is disrespectful. Next time you yell at me I will not answer or respond. I’m happy to pick up the phone and talk to you, but I will not scream across the newsroom.” He shrugged.

The next time he yelled at me I didn’t respond. Yes, he was angry and yes he acted like a jackass, but that was not my problem. When he confronted me and asked me why I didn’t answer, I repeated my boundary. He finally quit yelling at me and eventually he even quit yelling at everyone else because they followed my lead. He’s still a jackass, but not one who I have to deal with anymore.

I didn’t tell him not to yell. I told him how I felt when he did, and my boundary and how I would behave if that boundary were violated. Setting and enforcing your boundaries doesn’t mean people will respond appropriately, or that they will be happy with you. Most won’t be. The trick is stand firm and stand your ground. Eventually people who don’t respect your boundaries (which means they don’t respect you) will cycle out of your life as they find other people to abuse since you don’t tolerate abuse any more and you have time to find and respond to people who do treat your boundaries with respect.

I used to feel guilty when I enforced a boundary. Now I feel angry that people ignore my boundaries after I’ve explained my policies/boundaries and they continue to ignore them. I keep enforcing them, I keep saying no. I keep repeating the boundary. But I find I lose a lot of respect for the person and don’t want to be around them anymore. That, my therapist and coach friends tell me is the step before realizing I don’t have to feel angry - I can just keep calming enforcing my boundaries and that I can chose NOT to have anything to do with that person. The anger is a flag that tells me someone is violating a boundary. At some point you simply realize, “Oh, this person is violating my boundary,” and you express your boundary, enforce it and go back to your life. People lose the ability to get under your skin (at least most of the time).

I’m a work in progress and it’s not easy setting and enforcing boundaries. Sometimes you offend people you don’t want to offend, and when you’ve let people walk all over your yard it’s really hard to convince them you’re serious - because they will push you, guilt you, shame you and react with anger because they’ve gotten very comfortable using your lawn (or car, or home, or expertise, or shoulder, or money) to make their lives easier.

What’s Next?

What’s next - is practice. For me - for you. You don’t arrive at boundary nirvana. There is always another situation, another person, another client you need to work with and communicate with. If you don’t communicate your boundaries well, you can’t expect someone to respect them. That’s the hard part. It’s hard for a good co-dependent people pleaser to piss people off. But remember, communicate in a respectful, “I” message, NOT “YOU make me mad,” way and their emotions are their problem not yours. Good Luck and know you’re not alone on the journey!