Most of my life I’ve partnered with people on projects that seemed like great opportunities to collaborate, and could have been real successes except for one thing. I picked the wrong partner. Admit it - you’ve done the same thing - either in partnering in a love relationship, friendship, marriage, business, or school project etc. The person(s) you thought would complement your skills and create a Gestault kind of synergy ends up being the most selfish, clueless, greedy, inept person on the planet and you end up crying in your latte or your lager to your best friend (unless this person WAS your best friend), “What the hell was I thinking?!”

In recent months I’ve been on a winning (or losing) streak - picking partners for projects that have, well, shall we say - “Not worked out like I thought they would.” There have been a few good picks, but mostly not. And in keeping with my value of self-growth I have to stop and say, “If this is a reoccurring pattern in my life, chances are VERY good it’s something I’m doing, or not doing.” I read this blog post from The SoloPreneurLife.com and became inspired to add my own insights to the question about partnering on projects. Read it. He poses some good (and different) questions.

After reading that I stopped to take a look at what I’m doing to attract people that aren’t the best people for a project. What I came up with:

Different projects require different kinds and levels of commitment. I’m willing to partner with people on small, one-time projects without investing huge amounts of time thinking and considering the impact of the partnership - like agreeing to a guest blogger, or to volunteer to be a race volunteer or to deliver Easter Baskets to needy families once a year. But the bigger the project, the greater the risk, the longer the involvement, the more potential that it will take up time, money and resources - the more background information and assessment I want to do about whether this could be successful.

You’d think most people would agree, but the reality is most of us get caught up in the excitement of a project, the potential, the vision of $$$ dancing in our eyes, promises of success or fame and we jump! WE’RE IN!!! If we’re in a social media group where others are cheering and joining the temptation to “be a part of something big,” is even greater. Then half-way through we look at our dwindling bank-account, energy levels and the time we pissed away and get angry with ourselves. “Next time…” we say, and then next time we do it again.

I spent a lot of time at the last gym I belonged to finding a trainer. The one I thought was a jewel turned out to be a one-trick pony. She knew her stuff - no doubt about that. But she didn’t show up for appointments, was constantly rescheduling my appointment because “something came up” for her or she was “tired.” Once or twice I could understand, but the sixth time she called to reschedule (three calls in ONE WEEK!!) I told her it wasn’t going to work out for me to work with her. Of course she exploded and blamed me for not being “more understanding” of her problems. Another sign I made the right decision. Remember!

Just because a person has the expertise or skill set you seek doesn’t mean they have the mental, emotional or social health you need to make the collaboration successful.

This is what I learned about myself - and I hope it will help you if you seem to be a collaboration failure magnet too:

VALUES
If you don’t share certain key values, usually around generosity, money, people, boundaries, communication skills and end goals, chances are a collaboration with me won’t work. I think greedy, self-serving, have to be in the spotlight all the time people SUCK. Hollywood seems to attract that kind of person, but I’m not impressed. If you can’t get off the stage long enough to allow others their share in the spotlight, you don’t understand humility or being humble, or the concept of teamwork and sharing, then you’re desperate - probably have all kinds of personal character issues and most importantly - you are NOT a good partner for me. There are other sharks you can swim with - but I’m not one who cares to share your space or greed. I partner with people with PROVEN histories of generosity, altruism and caring. All others pay cash as they go. I’m not opposed to your being obsessed, possessed or passionate about becoming the richest SOB on the planet. I just don’t care to partner with you because I know you’ll walk all over me, use me, discard me and toss me when you’ve wrung out of me what you need. When you pay for my expertise I at least get something out of it and can easily end the connection when I want.

If you’re more motivated by money than doing the right thing, the compassionate, generous, altruistic thing - “bye bye.” Find someone else to collaborate with you on a book, a website, a speech, a project. You can pay me to help you, but I refuse to invest my personal energy, time and resources to further your narcissism by “collaborating and sharing the profits.” Take a long walk off a short pier and don’t bother me. Am I clear on that?

PARTNERSHIPS TAKE TIME
When you fall in love there’s that honeymoon period where your partner has no warts. They’re perfect, funny, smart and sexy. Give it time - say six months or more - and the veneer wears off. That’s okay, that’s normal and part of the process - unless you base your attraction on Mr./Ms. Perfect. Healthy adults know that partners (and themselves) have faults, shortcomings etc. Relationships are about accepting the good and the bad as long as that mix of good and bad is working for you both. He may leave his clothes lying around, and dirty dishes in the sink, but he’s also a fabulous cook and massages your feet without your asking when you’ve had a bad day. There are trade-offs. You can’t change anyone but yourself, so it’s important to know what you’re getting into BEFORE you get into it. But it takes TIME to learn those things about people.

By the way, there is no such thing as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Say no to something and another one will come along shortly. I’ve said “No,” to six people on proposals about books only to find the “perfect” collaborator for the book shortly after the last no. It pays to wait for the right one. Ask anyone who’s been happily married if that’s not so!

I once took a security job where I neglected to get ALL the details about what I’d be doing. The “Just sit here and answer the phone and you can watch television or study,” part was okay because I could keep up with my schoolwork. And the “Walk around and punch this clock at these 26 locations around the plant every two hours,” was okay because I got my exercise in and I liked that. What I didn’t find out up front was that the “walking” also involved slogging through the bowels of the plant, through oily water and rats in the dark, with a flashlight - while lots of cat-sized rats - fell from beams and scurried across my path (and feet on occasion) to escape my presence. I was okay with the job once my partner showed me how to bang on the pipes before entering a room to scare the rats away. Other than the graveyard shift hours, it was the only real “down side” to the job. I could accept that aspect because the rest of the job was a piece of cake! It wasn’t the perfect job, but it was darn close!

HINDSIGHT IS 20/20
Looking back at my failed partnerships and collaborations I see that I failed to take time to find out what all the major downsides of a collaboration were. I failed to get to know the person proposing the “partnership” and I failed to put everything in writing in case things didn’t work out as we envisioned in the excitement of the moment. Those simple precautions were MY responsibility to myself, and I neglected to accept that and act accordingly. I also failed to make the time to pay attention once I saw the red flags start popping up. A person’s true character can’t be hidden for long - even online. Watching people interact with others, seeing how they respond to you and to your setting boundaries, how they react when frustrated, angry, denied or challenged - will tell you a lot about the person - if you’re paying attention.

If you don’t have months to watch the person before you make a decision and it’s a small, one-time or low-risk project, then at least spend a weekend on Google. Read the person’s blog, ask for references, check their twitter feed and get a feeling for who they are. If it’s a big project, say no. Unless you can afford to be in a bad relationship, don’t commit time, money, resources and personal energy to a big project without knowing the person and their history. That’s like hitch-hiking. Chances are you might encounter a truly generous and altruistic driver, but chances are better that you’ll be raped and shot or at least molested before you get dropped off if you hook up with a stranger online. Check their references, see if your friends have actually worked with the person, or if they have a history with someone credible. If not - then pass. Trust me. Other opportunities will come your way - opportunities without the risk. Credible people have a history somewhere and if you can’t find or verify it - decline the “great opportunity” as politely and quickly as possible.

If you truly believe it is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and your gut instinct says “go for it!” then make doubly sure you get everything in writing - from expectations, cost, bail-out options, EVERYTHING. (ALL collaborations should be in writing so there’s no misunderstanding, but the bigger the risk, the more detailed the document should be.) You’ll be sooooo glad you did if it goes south. An honorable, reasonable, healthy person will agree to this - because they don’t know you any better than you know them! If someone refuses or is highly reluctant to put things in writing - walk away! THAT is a major red flag. Get their signature - not just a verbal agreement or acknowledgment.

Don’t expect perfection from anyone, but do evaluate if the good outweighs the contrary for your purposes. Anyone checking me out will see I am passionate about a lot of things and that I have a temper and loathe pedophiles, cheats, liars and people who abuse other people. I’m not shy about voicing my disapproval either. But I also have done a lot of things to help a lot of people. I have a pretty diverse and happy following willing to accept my warts and the fact my beliefs differ from their own in some arenas. We don’t have to be twins or mirrors politically, religiously or in all areas to work together on many projects - although the bigger and more long-term the project the more “in-sync” I want to be in critical areas.

IGNORE PEER PRESSURE
Your friends, your social media contacts, your family and even your spouse may be urging you to partner up, but take their encouragement with a grain of salt. They won’t be the ones reaping the consequences or angst at a bad partnership. You will. Ask them, “If this partnership goes bad are you willing to help me do whatever I need to do to end it or finish the project?” If they can’t give you a commitment and a firm and resounding yes (in writing too) then they’re probably just trying to be supportive of YOU and not the project. Most of our friends and family want to see us happy more than they want to see us take a certain job or partner with someone they don’t know. So ask - “Are you encouraging me to do this because you love me and want me to succeed, or are you really sold on the potential of this partnership?” If they’re really sold on the partnership, then ask them to detail WHY they are so excited about it. You might learn or see something you hadn’t considered.

RED FLAGS
Flags are those things that pop up to alert us that something is wrong. If we pay attention, they’ve done their job and we’ve done ours and all is well. It’s when we ignore those flags and allow others to violate our boundaries that patterns repeat themselves. It’s when we revert to dysfunctional co-dependent mode and tolerate abuse and disrespect and ignore the warning signs that we fail.

After partnering with someone I’d met online a while back I quickly ended the project when her first words were, “You should ______, and you should ________, and I can’t work with you UNLESS YOU ________, and if you want to be associated with me I can’t be associated with your homeless history so take it off your website.” She continued with a long litany of “shoulds” and I simply said. “Oh, I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work then.” She countered, in a panic, with “Oh, wait! I can make it work!” and then told me she was willing to “tolerate” certain things to “make it work.” Too late. The flag was snapping in my face. This person didn’t care about me or my values, but wanted to latch onto my influence and my tribe and wanted to change who I was in order to reflect her values more than my own. I was going to be used if I stayed involved with this person. So I declined. Whew!

Flags you should look for:
It’s easier to spot flags in a face-to-face situation where you can observe body language. For instance, if a person is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, look out. If you’re having a conversation with someone and their eyes and attention wander past you to the room or other people, say “Bye now!” and leave! It’s obvious where their attention lies no matter what they TELL you. Their actions have spoken for them. If you’re online, look out for people who only email or message you when they need something and never seem to actually have time to respond in kind. Tagging, “Let me know how I can help YOU!” onto their messages is usually a superficial ploy and they’re rarely available to help you if you do really need it and ask them. It’s lipstick and window dressing.

If you’re in a social media group check out their posts. Are they helpful more than they ask FOR help from others? Do they comment on other’s posts in a helpful, thoughtful way? Do they only post when they have a question about something that benefits them, or are they community cheerleaders - helping others get what they want whether it benefits them or not? How long have they been part of the community? How long have they been active? Look at their list of friends - are their friends well-respected and active? Many people don’t post in communities because they’re busy and have lives - so judge only on the overall character you’re seeing - that their blog posts are about more than their business or service, or that they show genuine interaction with others.

People want to hear the details of your life, but don’t share their own.
People encourage you to talk about your failings, things that anger or frustrate you, or your personal/business challenges but don’t talk about their own - or talk about them lightly and brush off any emotional impact from them. Trust is reciprocal. If a person is pumping you for details, but not giving up any details of their own, or their story sounds contrived or “not quite right,” that’s a flag. Shut up and back off or leave. Narcissists and sociopaths are good, I mean REALLY good! at making you feel like your crappy life is the most fascinating story they’ve ever heard. The only person who is honestly that interested in the details of how you felt when your mother slapped and beat you for having a dirty room is your therapist or your spouse. That kind of sharing comes after years of a safe, proven, mutually healthy relationship - not the second week you’ve exchanged emails after meeting on Facebook.

Healthy (mentally/emotionally) people focus primarily on the here and now, who you are, the tasks and projects at hand. They’re open to hearing you had “A rough childhood,” but they don’t want the blow-by-blow of it all. Narcissists and sociopaths and dysfunctional people DO want the details because they tend to use those to manipulate and control you. Just because a person is “so nice” and urges you to vomit your long, miserable life history while they listen on, apparently in rapt wonder, doesn’t make them safe and should be a red flag. People you’ve just met who expect YOU to listen to them lay out all the details of THEIR life and expect YOU to listen on in rapt fascination aren’t any healthier. They obviously don’t have good boundaries. GOOD, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS EVOLVE over TIME and involve mutual sharing over time in ways that build trust. Remember that.

Unhealthy and dangerous people, like sociopaths and narcissists, are excellent at dodging personal questions. They love attention, adoration and praise - but fear intimacy, feelings and connection. Sociopaths can mimic feelings and conscience, but don’t possess them. As Martha Stout writes in her book, The Sociopath Next Door about Sociopaths: “If … you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.”

Martha Stout has a rule that I love. She calls it the “Three lies rule.” If a person lies to you three times - then leave. Don’t look back. (For all 13 of her rules from the book, look HERE.) Deceit is the linchpin of the sociopath, the narcissist, the “unsafe person.” I agree. If a person has lied to you three times it’s a pattern.

Bottom line:
Don’t partner with people just because they’re famous, well-known, experienced, excited or “seem like they’d be awesome.” Take time to get to know them. Chances are they’re partnering with you for a reason - and you need to know that reason. Is it your connections? Money? Fame? Story? Why would and is someone truly drawn to you? Find that out before proceeding. Keep pushing if the person is evasive. People don’t seek out others without a reason. If you’re the only two people on the island and there is no one else to turn to, that’s one thing. But with millions of people and partners available to someone famous - why would they pick you? I’m not saying there aren’t legitimate reasons. I’m saying, find out what the reason is first.

Wherever possible, partner on SMALL, short projects to see if that will work out BEFORE committing to anything major.

Put ALL your agreements in writing - including an escape clause that says either party can leave the partnership at any time, for any reason. You can detail the exchange of $$, goods, resources etc. but get it in writing. You never know when a person’s greedy, self-serving, illegal, obnoxious or otherwise undesirable character will emerge (it usually comes to the service around issue of money, or fame, attention etc). So, be prepared to bail.

When you do find someone you can partner with and the relationship is a joy - hold onto them, cherish them and appreciate them. They are rare jewels in a world of people focused only on their own wealth and fame at your expense. In 55 years I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a handful of them and they are truly saints here on earth.

Remember, take your time. The “once in a lifetime opportunity” is a like a bus. Wait 20 minutes and another will come along.