We are ALL doing the best we can with who we are and where we are. I know that. But even reminding myself of that doesn’t help when I continue to encounter people who are at a different place than I am. I still get frustrated and even exasperated and hurt by their reactions. I was them once and I know what a pain in the butt I was, so I keep trying to remember that and be patient and compassionate. It’s my current lesson. I don’t know what the next one will be, but I know there will always be one. We are here to learn whether we cooperate or acknowledge that truth or not.

I spent 50 of my 55 years not understanding what boundaries were, or how to set them or enforce them. I was caught up in every drama or co-dependent relationship that beckoned - addicted to the script that I was raised with. I’m a rescuer. I like to help. That’s okay - up to a point. But then it begins to destroy your life. When rescuing people started destroying my life I quit. I looked for answers, techniques and solutions. I was burned out, depressed and lonely and convinced I was the one with the problems. And indeed I was! Not in the sense it was up to me to cure, heal, help or rescue the world - but in the sense I was not setting boundaries and saying “No,” to the victims, sufferers and drama queens who thrive on being rescued. When I learned the difference between enabling and helping, between tough love and rescuing and about how to protect myself from people who are needy, dysfunctional and unwilling to change, my life got harder. But it also got easier. I moved out of the shadows and into the light.

I’m still learning to spot those folks who take and take and take and never give, who bully and never offer support, and who are still caught up in their own neurotic or character disordered scripts and drama - acting and repeating the dysfunction of their lives hoping something will change. I know! I used to live there! I used to be them! I still visit that dark place myself from time to time when I am down and temporarily forget I don’t live there anymore. Like the temptation of a drink to an alcoholic I start to crave the rush of rescuing and sometimes succumb - although not nearly as much or as often as I once did.

There is a difference between helping and rescuing. Rescuer’s who rescue take on other people’s problems and responsibilities and try to make them their own. They enable the victim or person they’re rescuing by not allowing them to suffer the consequences of their behavior and decisions. The rescuer does that so they don’t have to face or deal with their own pain or responsibilities. It’s how they survived abusive homes. Oftentimes rescuers will carry both their responsibilities and the responsibilities of everyone around them. Eventually they burn out or need rescuing themselves. It’s not pretty.

Rescuer’s who want to help other people understand that the best way to do that is by encouraging others to take responsibility for their own lives and to do their own heavy lifting. Tip: 95% of dysfunctional people don’t want to take on that burden of being responsible for themselves. They want to be rescued, they want to avoid the pain, they don’t want the responsibility and they sure as heck don’t want to be dragged kicking and screaming out of their denial about their irresponsibility or their screwed up lives. Society in general and people in particular prefer, no - they LOVE to blame someone else for why their lives, their job, their marriage, their kids, their relationships and their finances are all screwed up and not working. When someone else is to blame we can avoid feeling the pain, shame and load of taking action to correct something unpleasant or embarrassing.

I once had a neighbor whose husband (and I think I’ve told this story before) would drink and beat her up. She would call me to come over and hang out until he sobered up. The second time this happened I realized this was going to be a pattern, not a one-time thing for him as she told me the first time it happened and she blamed it on his new medication. So I told her, “Next time you call and I come, I’m coming with the police. Be very clear that when you call me you are going to get me and the cops.” I refused to get dragged into her drama and her enabling her abusive husband. She was unwilling to set boundaries and to protect herself so I knew there was nothing I could do or say to help her. She had to help herself before I could be a cheerleader and friend. I was not about to keep going over and possibly get killed, stabbed or shot. So I set my boundaries. I told her I cared too much about her to see her abused and that I was not willing to become a victim (again). She understood, but didn’t like it. And she didn’t call again.

I left an alcoholic partner, an alcoholic family and alcoholic friends because I know all three acts of that play. From enabler to co-dependent, to victim and rescuer, I’ve acted most of the parts and know all the lines. It took me a while to leave the stage and move to the audience and just watch the play. But after that it was pretty easy to decide not to even buy a ticket, then not to even walk past the theater. I’m over it. I will support friends who are ready to get help, but the rest? Not so much.

So as I’m making this transition from dysfunctional to healthy I struggle with how to be compassionate, and how to also put distance between me and unsafe people (people who can’t communicate, can’t be vulnerable, can’t share themselves honestly, can’t support me emotionally or allow themselves to be supported emotionally).

It’s discouraging for me to have people I’ve helped turn on me and verbally abuse me or accuse me of being a monster or selfish simply because I’ve said no to their demands to be rescued. Once they do that they really hurt themselves because I have zero tolerance for abuse, for those who attempt to take advantage of me, or those who want to use me. Once you’re out, you’re out. It takes a whole lot of work for me to trust you again and I have to see concrete, sustained and long-term efforts and successes at self-growth. 99% of those who I write off - stay written off. I just don’t have the time, energy or desire to deal with you. I’ll cheer your growth from the sidelines, but you’re really better off having burned that bridge to go build your next bridge somewhere else.

On the plus side, once I write them off and out of the play I’m now in, things get easier. There’s room for healthy or healthier people, better times and true friendship.

If you want to be my friend you need to have healthy boundaries and respect mine. You have to be actively involved and committed to a life of self-discovery and growth. Too many people read the books and talk the talk but can’t walk the walk. Trust me. I know the difference.

When I say “No,” I mean no. I get annoyed and angry at people who push and push and push to try to change my mind. In a relationship ( a real one, not a pseudo one from online) I’m open to negotiate, but there are a lot of things we have to go through to get to that point. You can’t do it in a couple of conversations, or in a week or a month or a barrage of emails. It takes time to build trust. That’s why the average person only has 1-3 really good friends. It takes time and work.

I won’t rescue you, but I will cheer you on. When you understand what that means your life will change. The next time you get angry when I (or anyone) says “No,” or sets forth a boundary, or declines to get involved in your project, understand that YOU are responsible for your feelings about it, not me or them. Yeah - it’s hard. I got through it and so have millions. You can too. Know that we’re all rooting for you and hope to see you on the other side. Stop the drama. You’ll be glad you did.