I’m the first to step up and admit I have a problem with homeless addicts - alcohol or drugs. I understand that many people suffer horrible things, rape, abuse, loss of a parent, partner or child etc. and they drink or drug to cope with the pain. I get that. Food is my addiction. I would probably be an addict myself if I hadn’t seen how it destroyed my family and how it impacted me. I made a conscious choice NOT to drink or drug for that reason. But I didn’t realize food could be just as addicting. It’s not the substance, it’s what we do with it - use it to stuff feelings, to sooth emotional pain, and to escape reality.

Addiction is a symptom of pain. But I always told myself that alcohol and drugs change a person’s brain chemistry in a way food doesn’t. People don’t usually eat a gallon of ice cream and get in the car and kill people driving impaired. They don’t go from nice guy to raging, mean drunk. Food addicts don’t rape, murder and abuse people to get money for a candy bar - or if they are/do - it’s not the norm. If you’re a food addict, you don’t get moved to the front of the line for services because people feel sorry for you. People who understand alcohol and drug addiction are a disease, but insist food is a matter of will-power, and that makes me mad.

When I was homeless in 2006, the idea that I was working, struggling and denied help because was not an alcoholic and NOT drinking or drugging really pissed me off when I was trying to find help. I was denied housing services because I wasn’t an addict and that made no sense. While I was looking for help with housing a Native American Man, well-dressed, intelligent and articulate bragged about being able to scam the system and get a FREE apartment, courtesy of the tax-payer, so he could “sit around and drink and play cards all day.” He admitted he was an alcoholic. And he bragged about stealing from the system. All he had to do, he explained, was to lie and tell the social worker he was “depressed and had PTSD.” While I watched, he got an apartment and I didn’t. I was working full-time, making an effort and he just wanted to drink and play. I had a very hard time with that. Was that the addiction or his character? It didn’t matter. It wasn’t right. It violated my sense of fair play, of reward for work. I was feeling like the brother of the prodigal son. “I did everything expected, but everyone was killing the fatted calf for the son that blew his inheritance on hookers, drugs and wine.”

I was raised with alcoholic uncles and relatives and 100% of the alcoholics I have been intimately involved with, lived with or knew, or interacted with over business acted just like alcoholics do - they lied to me, stole from me, abused me, and cheated on me. They raped or molested me, and did the same to others. They were pedophiles and monsters. There is no love lost between me and the active alcoholics or drug addicts in my childhood and college years. They don’t recognize boundaries. They lie. They rage. They can’t be trusted. They let me down. They push all my buttons.

That’s my stuff. I suffered, as do millions, with the actions and lies of loved ones who allow alcohol or drugs to rule their lives. Go to any Al-Anon meeting and you will hear the pain of others who feel the same. We love them, we hate the disease. But stick around long enough and we see them AS the disease. I know addicts are people in pain. I get that. I do. Millions of people feel the same way I do - and don’t say anything. It’s not politically correct. So I’m saying it so we can move on. People don’t like addicts. They think they are less deserving, less than, undeserving - inhuman. A lot of people feel that way about people who are poor, homeless, or obese, or ugly, black, female, mentally disabled - name a group and someone believes they are “less than.” It’s a hard place for me to be. I’m no better than anyone who hates Jews, or Blacks, or Republicans or Liberals. It’s hard isn’t it? To judge others? Be we do. We find someone worse off than us and find a reason to judge them.

I know alcoholics and drug addicts - most of them, don’t want to be addicted to alcohol and drugs any more than I want to be addicted to sugar or food. None of us want to feel the pain that food, alcohol and drugs help us subdue or ease. None of us want to feel the guilt, shame, embarrassment or disgust we feel at/with our addictions. Society has a lot of issues with addicts - particularly homeless ones, or mentally ill ones.

So when I heard about “Housing first,” I balked. Housing first is a policy that believes alcoholics and addicts deserve housing before they get clean and sober. Most programs require the addict to get sober FIRST - before getting housing. The program houses addicts, lets them continue to drink, drug and do whatever while they’re living in free housing. The belief is that this (1) saves lives (2) provides an environment where the addict can get clean and sober. Most homeless addicts will generally decide to get clean and sober after 90-days in free housing. Mark Horvath, a recovered addict himself, says this:

For those that don’t know what “housing first” is, it’s a model where housing is provided first in a recovery plan. The old model is a homeless person has to get sober — or their mental illness go away — before some form of housing is provided. If you think about that for a second you will realize how unpractical the old model is. It’s nearly impossible to get sober while going to the bathroom behind a dumpster day after day. And mental illness left unattended on the streets does not heal itself. People need dignity to heal and housing must be first.

I’m being honest here because as a Christian I parrot the mantra that NONE of us are worthy - not one, but I realized I didn’t/don’t believe that - not until this moment. Now I really get that I’m no better than a drunk in a gutter, or the drunken father who abused me. This raises all kinds of emotions for me. I’m forced, at this time of year (Christmas), to look at what I profess to be true - that NONE of us are better than any other - not the alcoholic or drug addict, not the food addict, not the businessman who puts money ahead of family or employees. Reading Mark’s post slapped me in my face with my hypocrisy. And it sucks. I hate to be wrong. And I was. So then I went on and read a story in a book a friend sent me today.

It’s a story about a young Native American whose tribe was wiped out in a battle. He escaped with his bow/arrows and his horse and wandered for days, hungry, lost and alone. He eventually found another tribe and went to the Chief. He asked if he could join that tribe. “Of course,” the Chief said. But first you must do one thing, find the poorest man in the village and give him your horse. The young warrior’s face fell. “I’m sorry, my horse is all I have,” he said. “I cannot do it.” And he walked away. The Chief’s aide asked, “Why did you want him to do that?” The Chief said, “I wanted him to learn he could become part of something larger than his own troubles. I have many horses and would have given him one of my own. I wanted to see if he could surrender some of his pain and make a sacrifice to help others. In these times we must all sacrifice to help the tribe.”

The young man’s problem was his selfishness, his fear, his lack of trust and willingness to belong to a larger group that needed his resources as much as he needed theirs. If he could have given up his horse, he would have been embraced by the tribe and been welcomed into a much bigger and richer life.

I feel like that now. The horse is a symbol for anything we hold onto, believing it will protect, save or define us. Can I give up my feelings and anger and hurt over my pain and my past and feelings about alcoholics and become part of a larger group and separate the disease from the person? Can I say, “I will surrender my pain to make a sacrifice to help others?” I’m sure as hell going to try. Housing First - I think the concept can heal more than those who are lucky enough to find housing, recovery and salvation through it. I plan to be one of them. I hope you do too.

You don’t have to embrace a religion. But I do ask you to explore your own bias’. It’s powerful stuff.

Mark, thanks for the inspiration. Christina, thanks for the book and the story. You guys rock!