I just read one of what will be many articles about gifts and gift giving this year. It’s about the 5 do’s and don’ts of “regifting” - the practice of giving someone else a gift someone gave you. There are many reasons for regifting - wrong size, you hate the gift, you’re cheap, you’re broke, you’re saving for a new car and aren’t doing Christmas this year, you have a better version or model of the gift, you read the book, you’re allergic to processed food, you haven’t eaten canned vegetables since your grandmother died of food poisoning from home canned pickles. Whatever. I thnk regifting is something people do for practical reasons as well as selfish or insensitive ones. I wonder if regifting is first and foremost about GIFTS, and not so much about giving.

Several years ago I received a regifted book from the sister of a friend whom I admired and really liked. It was a cookbook, an expensive, beautiful book and one I would have never bought myself, but might have enjoyed looking at in a bookstore. It wasn’t really me, I cook, but am not a passionate cook, but I didn’t think much of it. I was surprised she bought me a gift at all.

When I got home I opened the book and started reading, and that’s when I saw the personalized inscription to her from the person who gave it to her three years prior. The inscription had been erased, but was still easily visible. Knowing how much time she spent shopping for her children and other friends and family members and the lengths she went to to ensure that they all received very personal gifts with meaning from her - I felt embarrassed that she obviously felt obligated to give me something. If she had handed me the book and said, “I have this cookbook I don’t use,” or “I don’t bake,” but _____ gave it to me and I hate to see it gather dust on a shelf because I know you love to bake,” I wouldn’t have minded at all! It wasn’t the gift. It was the obvious intention - or lack of attention - that hurt. I later gave the book to the Goodwill. What I learned was that there wasn’t really a friendship there. It became obvious after that - but it took that incident for me to see the warning flags. She was about appearances and doing the right thing. That’s fine - for her, but that’s not the kind of friend I like to hang with. It’s not just acquaintances.

My mother once gave everyone beautiful traveling jewelery boxes for Christmas one year. They were small padded leather cases perfect for taking jewelry with you on a trip. I was a teenager - 15 years old. So I went with her as she took her gifts to her friends and sat in the background as they exchanged and opened gifts. I carried the packages and helped her wrap. She too went to great lengths to pick out the right colors and designs for everyone and as everyone opened their gifts there was a lot of excitement from the recipients. She had tucked a pair of earrings, or a small necklace in each one for an extra surprise.

Christmas Eve when I opened my gift, instead of the same beautiful case I’d seen her give her friends, there was a horrid pink and brown vinyl floral box for me. It wasn’t the colors or patterns I would have ever picked and she knew it. It was ugly. No doubt about it. It was stained, sticky - obviously had been at the bottom of a box or sale bin for sometime - the sort of item no one buys. There was a tear on one side and it didn’t close properly. The sale sticker, with several reductions marked on it, was still on the bottom. As I looked at it and tears welled up in my eyes she said, “It was the ugliest one they had, but I didn’t have time to get you anything else. You’ll just have to live with it.”She hadn’t planned on giving me the box but had a set number in her head. She had given my brother “X” number of things and thought she had to do the same for me, even if they weren’t gifts that mattered. They were things. That is the only thing I remember her giving me for Christmas ever.

My parents are the reason I don’t care much for Christmas and why I’m so big on love being the motivation behind giving. I held onto it for a while, to remind myself I didn’t dream it - then I ultimately threw it away. I don’t have anything my mother ever gave me because she never gave me anything that meant anything to her, or to me. Later, when I was older, I threw a Christmas for her and gave her everything I knew she would love. And she did - for about a day. Then she complained about it all, and I think later gave most of it away - regifting everything but the white fleece cape which she wore that day and rarely again. I realized then that it wasn’t about gifts, it was about my mother’s inability to give or to receive love.

The best gift I ever received was a hand knit wool cap from a formerly homeless woman. She knit caps for anyone who asked - no charge. She asked me what size my head was and what colors I liked. I told her and a month later I got my cap in the mail. I have it to this day. She never met me, heard of me only online and knew I was living in my van in Denver and was cold at night and couldn’t afford a good warm cap. When the Bible talks about “doing it for the least of these” and the value of even a cup of cold water given in love, I think of this woman. That is what Christ meant when He said, “Do unto others…”

I have received expensive gifts, money, trips and all kinds of items, and yet among the most precious gifts I have ever received are the shared meals - a baloney sandwich from a co-worker who was as broke as I - an unexpected thank you card with a McDonalds gift card for $5 worth of food from a teenager I helped with something one year (he tracked me down and left the card on my doorstep to say “Thank you” for some small thing I’d said or done for him that meant a lot to him). When people say, “It’s the thought that counts,” that’s what they’re talking about. A thought, a motivation to give from love. Giving should be an act of love, of connection - not a bribe, or something we do because it’s expected.

Giving simply because everyone else is doesn’t feel authentic. But then, Christmas doesn’t always feel so authentic to me either. Giving from the heart isn’t about the gift itself. The gift is a vehicle for the emotion. A friend of mine - someone I’ve never met, but whom I admire and like and interact with online, send me an unexpected package this month. She told me she was sending me a copy of her book - which I looked forward to with great pleasure….the unexpected surprise was along with the book she tucked in a pound of the most fantastic coffee, a magnet with several small Linchpins on it she had made, and an itunes card - and the sweetest, most personal note I’ve received in quite a while. It was like Christmas in a box for me.

It made my day. It wasn’t the gifts - but the thought and care that went into them. I drink one cup of coffee a day - sometimes two if it’s a long day. I’m new to coffee drinking (just been drinking sporadically for about a year) and have no clue what makes great coffee, but thanks to Christina, now I do!! It’s Jacobs/Kronung - a German coffee…and it’s so smooth and flavorful that I truly love sitting down with a cup and just sipping it. I can’t think of the last time someone really took time to put into expressing themselves, or their appreciation or connection so well. And Christina did. Her book, “I am that I am” is a photo/text motivational book for mothers. She gives from her heart. She gives as Christians are commanded to - “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The book, the exchange, was all a delight. It made/makes my heart sing to connect with people that way.

In a season where people are focused on gifts, I think the focus on giving and why we give, is lost. If there is someone in your life that you love, that means a lot to you, that has helped, inspired or moved you in some way - let Christmas be a reminder to you to reach out and let them know how you feel. Don’t give because it’s expected. Give because it allows you to be vulnerable, to be real, to let someone know you care. Your gift doesn’t have to be expensive. It just has to be real.

If you want to regift this year that’s up to you. You have your reasons, but think about why you’re giving, not what you’re giving. A gift of coffee, of tea, of home baked cookies, of fudge, of a homemade Christmas ornament or even a handwritten letter detailing all the reasons the person means so much to you - are gifts people will remember. I wish you all a wonderful season with gifts from the hearts of the people you love.