“You always have the power to reinvent your career. But with that power comes a significant responsibility: being accountable for your own success.” - Sally Hogshead

One of the most amazing things I’ve realized recently is that good or bad, no matter what the situation is that we’re in, we have in some way contributed to our getting there. On the one hand that could be seen as depressing because that’s just one more thing we can kick ourselves over. But on the other hand - how empowering it is! Therein lies the struggle.

I’ve been trying to unlock the secrets of my procrastination forever. I kept circling round the “fear of success, fear of failure, fear of rejection” pole for so long I get dizzy and fall down when I wander in another direction. However today I realized I have no fear of rejection. I’ll walk up to anyone and start a conversation, ask for a name or phone number, or whatever. I don’t take interactions with strangers or friends personally when they say no. So I shook my head at a friend’s insistence I was afraid of rejection and started looking elsewhere. As I did I noticed a darker emotion - one I couldn’t quite put my finger on until just this minute. And that feeling is “resentment.” I think I’ve discovered that my procrastination comes from resentment.

I couldn’t put my finger on ONE word or emotion I was feeling because it’s actually more complex than “fear of failure,” or “anger,” or “depressed.” It’s a combination of two or more emotions. The result of unaddressed primary emotions results in a nasty secondary emotion. Resentment a secondary emotion. Resentment happens when we don’t speak up for ourselves. When someone hurts us we don’t immediately feel resentment. It comes after the first emotion - like pain or shame or envy or whatever continues to be unresolved or addressed.

For instance, if someone borrows something of mine and doesn’t return it or returns it broken or dirty I may feel anger. If I decide not to say anything the person doesn’t know how I feel - no matter how much I assume or want them to “get it.” It’s up to me to say something - to tell them how I feel. It’s not their responsibility. It’s MINE. If they come back later and want to borrow the same item or something else, chances are I’m going to feel resentment, and say “no,’ or worse, say yes and feel even angrier as I continue to expect and want them to see how I feel and “fix” it by apologizing or whatever. That’s not going to happen. But I still expect it to. So my resentment grows and creates a bigger chasm between us. And they still have no idea why!! Because it’s up to ME to speak up for myself. I have created the problem because I am unwilling to be uncomfortable, to speak up, to believe I deserve to have an opinion, a need or an expectation - in this case that my stuff be returned clean and in good repair - as it was when they borrowed it.

When we feel conflicted, or uncertain, or angry without a specific reason - chances are it’s resentment because of some thought or feeling WE have failed to address. The “usual error” (awesome book by the way) as you might say, is to look at what we believe the OTHER person is MAKING us feel. But that’s not it. I am feeling resentment because my expectation/need for something wasn’t met because I didn’t act and speak up. Resentment is the only emotion that we bring on ourselves based on our lack of action.

I resent my clients, or my friends, or my peers because they are acting in ways that I don’t want them to, that cause me pain, frustration and anger. But since I have not ever asked them for what I need I’m causing my own pain. It gets worse. When I resent them I become passive aggressive and procrastinate - I promise to do something and then don’t do it. The thing I didn’t/don’t want to see or acknowledge is the fact that MY resentment will go away when I begin asking for what I need. When I begin believing I am worthy of having needs and expressing them, and getting them met, and that I have a right to ask for what I need, I won’t have this resentment issue. But I don’t want to deal with that…because it’s hard to ask for things you want and need if you’ve always been denied them, or ridiculed or rejected for having needs - as many of us who are children of toxic parents or relationships have been.

I have found when I talk to people who don’t feel resentment - that they tend to have good boundaries and to be able to ask for what they want, or express their anger, or frustration. They never let their feelings get to the secondary stage of resentment.

We have the power. It’s just a matter of believing it and acting on it. By speaking up and risking rejection I can take back my power. By refusing to settle, or to deny my needs, or to be the doormat or to think I’m not worthy I can change. My life can improve. My work can be fun again. All it takes is ONE thing from me - believing in myself. How about you? Do you believe you have the right to be valued?