There’s a difference between a critic and someone just being critical - a troll for instance. I love critics. I hate trolls. No, I feel sorry for trolls. They’re so miserable and self-loathing they can’t live with themselves so they go out in search of happy people to steal their joy and potential.

Critics we learn from, their intent is to point out things we’re doing that, if in their opinion we were to change - we might do what we’re doing even better. Trolls just drop their pants, squat and let fly.

Critics - the good ones anyway, acknowledge what they like, point out what they don’t like and offer a solution or suggestion. That’s how you know they’re good critics. The bad critics, like parents, some friends and bosses, are critical - as in, “Oh my god I’d never say that on the internet. Are you insane?!” or “When are you going to grow up and get a mortgage and suffer at a soul-sucking 9-5 job like the rest of us?” (answer - never in this lifetime I hope). They have nothing to really convey, but are just projecting, venting and spewing. Misery loves company and they want yours - which of course they can’t have unless you give up or change who you are or what you’re doing to accommodate them.

Anyway, I consider good critics like the wasp in the jam…they pack a sting, but they’re there because the sweetness is so good.

As a journalist I learned that all critics have an agenda. They do. Even if they say they don’t, they do. Why? Because you can’t get emotional about something you’re not vested in. I don’t care how the mayor of some village in Africa runs his village because I’m not living there, don’t know anyone there, have no connections to the politics there. If I wake up one day and decide that human life in Africa is important and I join an organization to bring mosquito nets to all the villages in Africa and this mayor decides he doesn’t want the nets in the village because they encourage strangers to come into the village, then suddenly I DO CARE about how he runs his village. I have an agenda and he’s standing in the way of my achieving it. So I get critical - hopefully in creative ways that will allow him to meet his needs and the villager’s needs.

It’s the same thing online and in life. Critics have an agenda. That doesn’t mean their agenda is bad, only that you should know what it is before you engage them. My encouraging homeless people to empower themselves angers critics who want the homeless to remain victims. If there are no homeless victims then lots of organizations and shelters with funding lose that funding. Homeless people who get free rent and food and a stipend don’t want the free ride to end if it means they’ll have to work. If I say or do anything that threatens the perception of the homeless as victims we should throw money at, then yeah - I draw critics. So when I’m criticized before I respond (and many times I don’t because it does no good) I take a minute to look at the critic’s agenda. They may still have some valid points, but before you can weight the bad and extract the good, it helps to know what’s in it for them.

My friend Ed Brenegar’s criticism and critiques I welcome. I know Ed’s agenda is to see me succeed because he’s a true friend. My friend Jule Kucera’s agenda is the same - to see me succeed. There are dozens of others, Tom Bentley, Patty Newbold and others. Some critics I’ve had in the past have been rude and vicious - not in an attempt to critique, but to keep me from getting the attention they wanted and weren’t getting. I’m not naming them here. I don’t want them getting the traffic!

It’s true, even bad critics and those who loathe you and want desperately to see you fail can have a nugget of truth in their venom. If you see only the venom you can fail to see the truth. And while many of you don’t want to give your enemies the satisfaction of being right about something - think of it like this - if they are right and you fix that thing you’re doing wrong, you’ll kick their ass even more - as I have so gleefully discovered! So don’t throw out all criticism. But DO follow these guidelines when dealing with critics.

1) Listen dispassionately. Don’t let anyone hook into your past insecurities with their criticism. If your spouse is saying “Can you please pick up your socks?” and you’re hearing your mother’s nagging throughout your childhood about your filthy room, then you’re hooked into feeling defensive already. You’re not hearing the criticism, you’re tapping into the well of emotion. Cues this is happening: Your critic starts their criticism with “You always,’ or “You never.”

2) Ask for specific, articulated examples. For instance, “You never ask for directions and we’re always getting lost.” Listen dispassionately and then say, “That’s interesting. I don’t like getting lost either. I know that when we were on I-95 last weekend I did stop at that convenience store to get sodas and I asked directions then. Can you tell me the last time we were lost and I refused to ask for directions?” Don’t be angry and huffy and demanding. Be genuinely open and interested in when you exhibited this behavior. Remember, you want to change right?

3) Don’t criticize back. Nothing shuts down a good, honest critic more than you getting defensive and saying, “Okay, so I don’t pick up my socks, but your wet bras and underwear make the bathroom look like a Fruit of the Loom factory exploded in the toilet.”
The object of receiving criticism is to be the center of attention. Don’t give up this wonderful opportunity for someone to be honest with you. They’ve had to work up a lot of guts to confront you and they deserve to be heard (as long as they aren’t attacking you personally)

4) Thank them. Don’t think about what they’ve said yet. Say, “You know, I know that took a lot of courage for you to say and I appreciate that. I’m going to think about it and get back with you when I’ve had time to think it all over.” Don’t rush to thank them for the specific advice. You may not be so grateful or agreeable with it after you think about it. But do thank them for telling you what was on their mind. Be sincere. They have given you a gift. You may choose to regift it, donate it to the Goodwill, or pick off the decorations and toss the rest - but it is a gift none-the-less.

5) Think about it. Think about what you are going to do with what they’ve said, come up with some examples, and then get back with your critic. Let them know what you think and what you’ve done with their feedback. I frequently call Patty and say, “You’re right. You were right. Yep. Right again.” And I am so, so, so, so grateful for her. She only rarely says “I told you so,” and then only because I say, “You can say I told you so.” Your critic - the ones with your best interest at heart, will welcome your honest reaction to their critiques. Even if you don’t agree with them and don’t change a thing - let them know. It shows you value their time and input. If they’re consistently wrong in their critiques they’ll get the message you’re not on the same page and shut up. Or they’ll find someone else they can help.

6) Acknowledge here and now that our best work comes from being lovingly challenged and critiqued - not criticized, but critiqued. We grow most when someone helps us spot the things we cannot see.

There are many ways to both give and receive advice and critiques, but the one thing that I strive for is to do both with grace and respect. No, I don’t always succeed. I get angry, frustrated and impatient with those who listen and don’t act and yet keep asking for feedback. But that is what I strive for - to be open to criticism in a way that allows me to change for the better, yet not so vulnerable I am harmed by someone’s agenda or bitterness. It’s a struggle, but one I embrace. I hope you do too!.