A friend of mine (Richard Davis) from my newspaper days sent me a photo today. Perhaps you’ve seen one similar to it before. The story is usually the same - a duck or goose family gets stranded somewhere and has to cross a busy highway to get to a water source. This happened in Danville, VA recently and Richard stopped to photograph it.

The Humane Society was called, and responded and as Richard tells me soon all eight ducklings were soon on their way. People are quick to rescue the weak, the helpless - those in need of a boost. I’ve been the fortunate recipient of such aid - I have a laptop computer courtesy of Yahoo.com, and along the way have gotten jobs, campsites and various help from people who saw that a little help would get me back on track. In turn, I’ve given back - helped out others and given everything from computers to jobs to a sack of burgers to others. It’s part of the cycle of life, of giving, of generosity.

Not everyone is going to be a cute baby duckling. Some are going to be downright grumpy and even at odds with us. But I pass along what I can and hope it’s received and used. Like these ducks, there is rarely any acknowledgment or thanks for your efforts. You need to learn to take joy and pleasure in the act, not the outcome.

That’s what this blog is about: Giving because you want to.

We’ve all been the recipient of what appeared to be a gift, but was really just a way to manipulate or guilt us into returning the favor down the road. I don’t mind swapping gifts or services this way - “I’ll scratch your back now if you’ll scratch mine later,” but I want it to be clean and upfront. Six months after you’ve done something for me and come to me wanting a favor and I say “No,” for whatever reason - don’t pull out that, “But what about when I _____? You OWE me.” Really? News to me.

As I explore boundaries I’m learning to be very clear about giving. When I give a gift now -it’s a gift. No expectations. No assuming that you’ll do the same for me. A gift is a gift. I give freely from my heart and don’t want or expect anything in return. FREE. Like these ducklings you’re free to scamper off into the sunset and live your life without ever looking back. Sounds great eh? There’s just one thing. I don’t give as often as I did, because the new rule/boundary I have for myself is I don’t give unless it feels good to me to give, I’m truly giving freely, and I’m giving to someone I want to give to and the person wants/understands the gift is that - a gift.

It’s taken a lot of weight off of me. Because now when I give - there aren’t all those strings dangling off of the gift - for me or the other person. I get to feel generous and happy and not worry about someone reciprocating. When what I am giving is not a gift, it is a transaction and I can spell out my expectations.

When you don’t work a full-time job all kinds of people want you to watch their animals, run their errands and just hang out with them. They assume your time is free for the asking. It’s not. For instance….someone I barely know - the friend of a friend - asked me to cat sit for a week. I said:

“I’d be happy to cat sit for you this week if you can do the same for me. I’m going away next month and need someone to watch my dog for a couple of days. Oh. You can’t do that? Well, I charge $$$ for cat sitting.” Selfish? Not really. I have X amount of hours in my life. So do you. I’ve decided to quit pissing them away giving them to people for free. What’s wrong for exchanging value for value? Now, I have some friends whose cats I might watch for free. But it would be a gift. And I would have to feel good about doing it. And it would be MY choice.

I haven’t figured out why some people think you should be their personal slave - but they do. When this person got snippy about it, “Why not? What else are you doing?” and I told them I write and what my hourly rate is - they got angry about it. I’m not sure why. They obviously don’t value other people’s time. That’s their problem. Not mine. It’s why there are kennels and vet’s.

I have another friend who believes in tit-for-tat. You can’t give her anything - even a card, without receiving one in return. I hadn’t written her in years - and sent a card last week for her birthday because I happened to remember it for some reason. I got a card back today thanking me for the card. It’s weird. She owes no one. She NEVER initiates a gift (not in the 20 years I’ve known her anyway), but she will always return kind-for-kind. Send her a book, she’ll send you one. Send her a bag of gourmet coffee, get a bag back…WEIRD. When I got the card I remembered why I quit sending her stuff. She can’t see it for what it is - a gift.

So I’m trying something new now. When I expect something in return for what I used to call a “gift,” or something I do - I’m upfront about it. “I understand money is tight and you need this ebook written, so I’ll trade you a gallon of that maple syrup when you get back from Canada next month.”

“I’d be happy to give you a ride into town if you’ll give me one if my van ever breaks down.” Get your expectations and the terms of the action right up front so people know what they’re getting into with you. It works. Like a good friend said this morning, “I’ll buy lunch this week if you’ll buy it next week.” Deal.

The greatest gift we can give those we love or care about is our honesty, and being clear about our expectations. It’ll take awhile. People find it hard to believe something is a gift. But keep practicing. Say no if you don’t feel good about it being a gift. Say no if it feels expected or coerced. And when you give, give generously and from the heart. Quit playing games. You’ll save so much more time and feel so much better about the people you interact with.