Having come from an abusive background I spent most of my life not recognizing unsafe people. I don’t mean the ones who will rob, beat, steal and rape you - but the ones who say they’re your friend, then betray, use or abandon you. They’re generally charming, funny, intelligent or have some great first glance personality gold going for them. Then you need them, or trust them or interact with them and they disappear, withdraw or leave. You know the ones. We’ve ALL encountered them. Some of them have been great - others really wrecked our lives. If you’re like most people you continue to attract the same kind of people - not realizing what YOU’RE doing to attract and engage them.

I just finished reading Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by Dr. Henry Cloud/John Townsend. If you read my blog regularly you know I LOVE all the books these guys write. They’re incredible! They go into the 20 traits of safe and unsafe people. But what I like about this book is they talk about how what YOU (the reader) do to be unsafe for other people as well.

Do you judge? Do you criticize? Do you blow off friends who need your help when they’ve given you help in the past? Are you there for them? Do you listen? Do you respect them? Do you share your needs and vulnerabilities or do you strive to maintain an “I’m perfect” front at all times?

Human relationships are complex, but the old adage about the golden rule still holds true - do unto others…. If you want to be a safe person, connect, honor, share, listen, support and respect others and seek out those who do the same for you. That’s what it all boils down to. And that takes us back to boundaries. If you don’t have them, there’s no way you’re ever going to spot someone who is not safe. Why? Because you don’t have a standard to judge them by.

I have a rule. If someone brutally criticizes me (usually an acquaintance or co-worker) and I haven’t invited them to do so, I say: “It’s a rule of mine - I really don’t welcome uninvited personal criticism from anyone but people I’m really close to, and then I ask that it’s done in a supportive, respectful way. What you just said feels like verbal abuse to me and I don’t allow anyone to do that to me. We need to talk about something else or our conversation is over.” I’m protecting myself. If that person immediately apologizes and doesn’t ever do it again, then they’ve demonstrated they may be a safe person because they respect my boundaries. If they do it again, they get one more warning. “I mentioned that before about verbal abuse and you apologized, but I’m concerned that it’s happening again. If it happens again I really don’t think we can be friends.”

Online I just delete their comment, or ignore them. The world is full of trolls. Another rule of mine is “Don’t feed the trolls.” Disengage.

When you develop and enforce good boundaries you learn who the safe people are or who they aren’t because you’ve developed a system that alerts you to things that feel hurtful. Over time you train your body to recognize unsafe people because you know what your boundaries are - so when they are violated you don’t have to think too much about them. You’ve just been nudged to pay attention.

One of the primary reasons I fell into believing I was homeless was because I had poor boundaries. I allowed people to tell me who I was rather than standing up for myself and countering their opinion of me with my own opinion. People who are homeless, jobless, addicts - all have a huge social perception to tackle, in addition to dealing with their other issues. It’s hard. But by developing good boundaries any of us can take that first step to finding safe, supportive relationships that help us grow. Look at your boundaries today. What are they?