I’ve been reading Martha Beck’s book, “Finding Your Own North Star, Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live.” It’s brilliant. Of course Martha Beck usually is. And she has a fantastic sense of humor. Beck’s book, like many others I’m reading now, is about discovering who YOU are and what YOU want. Part of the reason I ended up where I have most of my life is that I had no idea what I wanted. I was so busy being what everyone else wanted me to be. The problem was, halfway into a job, or a relationship or anything else, things would always go wrong. I’d quit, get fired, leave or my partner would always have an affair. I thought I was the problem. I wasn’t smart enough, good enough, skinny enough, and didn’t have straight hair. That, I was sure, led to the train wreck of my life. Martha doesn’t think so though.

According to her, that’s my “essential self” letting me know that I wasn’t following my true North Star. The essential self, clever little self that it is, will sabotage, derail, wreck or redirect us when we’re not on the right path to who we are, what we love and what our passion is.

Well, I definitely wasn’t on the right path. I think I’m getting closer to it. TED was a beginning. I thought, as many people do, that the right thing to do after TED was to hit the road and talk to other people about who they are. I learned (thank you essential self), that actually learning who I was before learning who everyone else was, might be a smarter idea.

So now I’m working through a program where I have weekly assignments to complete as part of a four-month long personal transformation. After four months there’s a couple weeks break, then there’s another four month stretch. For me this transformation will take me to Denver, Colorado in Oct. to run the Denver Marathon Oct. 17, two days after my birthday. Forget the fact I can only walk around the block now (.6 miles) at a 2.5 mile per hour pace. I can do 30 minutes on the treadmill and 5 minutes on the Ellipse though. By adding distance every week it is entirely possible, my coach says, to run a marathon (26.2 miles).

My goal this year was to lose 100 pounds - certainly BEFORE I run the marathon. That’s not so easy. I found out something the weight loss industry knows, but doesn’t want YOU to know - That fat is a symptom. Fat is not the problem.

To lose weight you simply take in fewer calories than you burn. The reason NONE of us can lose weight without a struggle is that we’re emotional eaters. The vast majority of us don’t eat because we’re hungry. We eat because we’re angry, stressed, lonely, bored, depressed or even happy. Not a great way to deal with life. An alcoholic can hide their emotional pain, but those of us who are obese are pretty much wearing our issues. We may drape them in a XXL or size 22 blouse or pants, but people CAN see them.

Without an inner transformation and learning how to deal with our emotional pain, we’ll keep stuffing our face, keep eating when we should be yelling or talking or crying or making an appointment to learn kickboxing or kung fu. The HARD part of losing weight is confronting our emotions - and WHY we eat. You can lose weight without addressing the emotional issues, but eventually you’ll put it back on and keep doing that until you figure it out.

If you watch “The Biggest Loser,” you’ll notice that one of the things the trainers do is push the contestants to the point where they are so physically exhausted they can’t keep up their emotional defenses. That’s when they force them to confront WHY they eat. Personally, I’d like to see more of the emotional work they do, but that is pretty personal - so, not likely to happen.

Transformation, “Finding Your Own North Star,” being happy, being content, making money….none of that happens until you confront what’s happening with you emotionally. It doesn’t happen until YOU are the one who matters most in your life…not your family, not the neighbors, not “everybody.” You HAVE to take care of YOU first. THEN you can take care of your kids, your family, your church, your neighbors. Sound selfish? It’s not. It’s actually a lot easier to give when you have the energy and resources to give from. And you only get those resources when you find and collect them - by taking care of you first.

It’s the lesson I’m learning, and I hope you either already know, or are learning yourself. If you’re open to seeing who you are and what you’re about, you CAN change your life. When you realize that ultimately all that matters is how YOU see yourself, then life will happen in ways you never imagined. Trust me. I’m seeing that now. I hope you will too.