Again, I caution those of you not used to working with the homeless, not aware of the inner-city culture or the risks of encountering the severely mentally ill, sex offenders or sociopaths and criminals to work WITH groups and individuals who DO have that experience. Just because a person is homeless doesn’t mean they are a criminal, sex offender or sociopath, but statistically those who are chronically homeless are desperate and have issues and drives you may not recognize. I was homeless and moved among the chronically homeless and can assure you they are individuals in pain, hurting, hungry, needy and many are just people like you and me, but unless you know how to recognize an addict under the influence of crack or other drugs, or those with serious issues, don’t put yourself at risk.

Work with shelters, churches, food banks, and with those homeless individuals you know of through your local social agencies or Salvation Army. This ebook lists 101 things you can give or do for the homeless besides giving them money that can help them get off the streets, get a job, have an easier time while on the streets and regain their self-respect and confidence. I hope you’ll download it and read it and share it with your friends! Thank you!

To download click: 101GiftsForHomeless2012

Apart from your own procrastination and frittering away time surfing, playing and having performance panic attacks, the categories and clients that most distractions and demands fall into are:

People Without Boundaries: These are clients, friends, family and people who don’t understand the word, “No,” or who take the word personally. They see your life as an extension of their lives. If they have time to piss away, you should too. They pout and protest and beg and  plead, “Can’t you just do it this once?”

They don’t get the concept of time in general and they especially don’t get the concept your time is different than theirs. If they’re available to do “stuff,” they assume you are too. If you schedule a time to talk and they get busy, blow you off or forget about your appointment, they don’t understand later why you’re angry, offended or not available when THEY do decide to call a week later.

It’s almost like they think you’re a tool or appliance they take of the shelf when they need you, and put you back when they don’t. You have no life outside of them and their needs. They don’t understand you have work, family, other clients and a schedule. And when you do explain it, they don’t like it and think you’re deliberately using your work and other commitments to avoid them.

People With No Life, but Lots of Time: You know these folks. They’re unemployed, underemployed or have jobs they can actually leave at the end of the day. They assume you do too. They may be retired, or be stay at home parents, or in school, or living with mom and dad, in-between jobs….whatever. They don’t understand why you can’t just leave a project and go have a beer, join them for dinner or catch a movie or just talk for 45 minutes about their crappy job, their plans to dominate the world, or who they think the next American Idol or Dancing with the Stars winner will be. They’re not bad people. They are probably fun. They just don’t have the demands on their time that you do and they don’t understand (or like) the concept you do.

Emergencies: I love the sign over my computer. It reads, “The lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” What that means is, if you spent your summer and all your money on golf, fishing and vacationing across the southwest with your family instead of writing that ebook on “Christmas Decorating for Capitalists” that you planned to sell at Christmas, it’s really not my problem you don’t have the time or the money to produce it in time for the holidays.  “Emergencies” are people with no boundaries, no money and no sense of time. They’re like teenagers — they feel entitled. They want what they want when they want it and they don’t want to have to pay for it or wait for it.

Emergencies are characterized by:

• Need things ASAP. Everything is rush, rush, rush! Stress, stress, stress!
• They say things that make you feel like their chaos is your fault
• They expect to be rescued
• They have no money or they don’t want to spend money to make things happen
• No matter what you do for them, it will never be good enough

I could go on, but the point is it doesn’t matter who or what the distraction is, you stop all these folks with one thing — boundaries.

Take for instance the client who wanted a brochure, no, NEEDED a brochure ASAP. We scheduled a day and time, then he went on vacation, met a new girlfriend and blew off the appointment. He emailed me two weeks later to say, Okay, NOW he had time to deal with the brochure and wanted to do the brochure TODAY. Well, gee…I’ve already booked other clients and made plans and filled my dance card. I don’t have time now. It will have to wait until next month.

His change in plans, his failure to reschedule as soon as he knew he had something he had to deal with instead of a brochure redesign, and his poor timing is not my responsibility or my problem. It’s his. His frustration, his anger — it’s all his. He chose his priorities and he has to deal with them. All I could say was, “Great for you on the girlfriend! I’m booked through the middle of next month, so “What’s a good time then?” I want to help, but my doctor, therapist, web guy don’t drop their lives if I have a problem. There are exceptions, but they generally involve TRUE life or death matters. Same with me.

Setting boundaries is what you do when you want to save your sanity, keep your stress levels low and get your work done. It’s not easy, not at first. You’ll want to rescue your clients and make the money. You might  need the work. That’s your choice. The thing is, when you twist yourself into a pretzel to accommodate others at the expense of your own stuff, you’re training your clients how to treat you. When you jump to their rescue and put your life and other clients on hold when they come calling, that’s what they’ll learn to expect. When they learn they can do that, there is NO incentive to change, NO incentive to be responsible or to plan ahead.  When they learn that if they want you that they’ll have to schedule time, keep appointments and deliver their end of the deal then they will.

So, today’s lesson? Say “No.” Say, “What’s a good time next week, next month etc” — a time that works for you first, clients second. If you’re not happy, ain’t no one gonna be happy!

As part of a FREE ebook I’m writing for the homeless on money matters, and on starting a simple street business to get off the street, etc. I’m reviewing debit and bank cards, an alternative to a bank account for people who are homeless or marginally employed.

The number one problem with those who don’t have money or a steady income is they have to pay 10 times more to get the same services that people with credit and money take for granted. Think “Rent to Own,” and “Pawn Shop Loans” and all the other scams and businesses out there charging people 20-40 percent interest or at least bogus rates and fees so high they might as well be interest.

Debit cards are part of this gold rush to rape the poor. That’s a fact of life. If you can’t or won’t handle or manage money responsibly, you pay for it, literally. We get it. But of all the charges and fees of all the debit cards I’ve looked at so far, I have to say, this one COULD be the best, and let me EMPHASIZE

COULD BE.

Because the ApprovedCard.com web site is so buggy I had to request my password and user name several times. Each time I tried to use the names they were rejected. Finally the site locked my attempts  to protect my account security. Fine. Then I called the toll free number to get help with that and was told that it would cost me $2 to speak with a live person. $2??!!

Really? It costs me $2 to talk to someone in customer service
about YOUR product, a product that DOESN’T WORK?

While Suze does a better job than most debit card companies of hiding her $2 charges among some very well-written marketing material I confess, I did not see this $2 for customer service calls fee anywhere before signing up. I’m still looking though.

I want to remind you all that Suze and Oprah BOTH believe that people who don’t pay their bills on time, have money problems and are irresponsible with money are losers and crack heads and bad, evil people. That said, Suze doesn’t mind getting a piece of your financial action because, as we all know rich people think it’s okay to rape poor people just like guys think it’s okay to rape women who have an active sexual life. I’m not the only one who finds her self-righteousness about money annoying. Yes. People make poor decisions, or life hits them hard. That doesn’t make them bad people, just people with poor money skills.

Just for the record? NetSpend, Green Dot and almost every other debit card I’ve reviewed charges NOTHING to talk to a live person. Talk is FREE. They may charge .50 CENTS to get your balance via the phone. NO ONE ELSE charges you to talk to customer service.

Things I LIKE about The Approved Card:

Marketing: Suze didn’t skimp on any money when it came to designing the ads, the site and doing the copywriting! Wow. Lots of purple and orange — happy vibrant colors that appeal to low income people and teenagers (not my opinion, studies show that). Orange also stimulates our appetites and urges us to “Take action NOW!!” which is why so many fast food places are decorated in orange and yellow…think McDonalds, Burger King…. Lots of pictures of Suze smiling and looking rich and happy and wearing a blue shirt — the color blue evokes TRUST, so good move there.

The website is amazing!!! I felt like Dorothy met Alice and the Cheshire cat doped their lemonaide and took them on a hallucinogenic spin on the Internet! Wow! It was like candy! I was salivating at the colors! EXCELLENT!! Kudos to baiting the hook so beautifully! You sucked me in in a heart beat!

The body language, arms across her chest and her head turned to one side or the other says “No,” when the message says “Yes,” and the arms and palm position screams defensiveness…either that or she’s hiding her chest….Fake smile. There’s no crow’s feet wrinkles at the eyes…so, not crazy about that.

Emergency Fund Accounts: You can actually do more than move money around online. Suze was savvy enough to set up the card so you have up to 4 or 5 funds, or savings accounts with your card. This allows you to create an emergency fund, save for a car, set aside your rent or whatever you want to do with it. The money is not touched or transferred unless you go in and do that. It’s a great way to keep your money safe, and to not spend it without making some effort to do so. LOVE that feature. I can’t tell if you’re charged for those funds — like a maintenance fee etc — because I can’t get into the buggy site and I refuse to pay $2 to talk to a customer service rep to get them to unlock the account. That’s insanity on a stick. What was she thinking???!!!

Credit Bureau Reporting: This one is both a pro and a con. It’s a pro because ultimately it COULD give you a way to fix your credit by having the debit card report when you pay certain bills on time. Right now the card doesn’t do this, although you can opt in to an anonymous program (beta testing I’m guessing) until they do offer that. There is NO incentive (like they waive your monthly fees) to participate in this program, so I advise you NOT to. There’s just not enough information and there’s no benefit to you the user. If Suze is going to charge you $2 to talk to a customer service rep, why would you want her to benefit from your data if she’s not willing to pay you or give YOU some financial love in return eh? Just saying. If the site is buggy now, there’s no telling how buggy the reporting process is. Use caution.

Consumer Services: There are actually some tools, calculators and other stuff on the site, in your account, that COULD (if you can log in) help you learn to manage your money better. I’m wondering why Dave Ramsey isn’t all over this concept and doing his own debit card. Dave, charge a flat yearly fee for the card and link it to your Financial Peace University and all your other tools, tips and tricks. Awesome dude! It would SO rock!! I’d tell you MORE about all the cool features on Suze’s site, BUT I CAN’T log in and I refuse to pay $2 to talk to someone whose product I own is broken.

Things I HATE about The Approved Card:

Start Shopping NOW!: WTF?! You want people to save money and then you have a direct link to places they can SHOP AND SPEND??! ARE YOU NUTS?!!? Of course there’s the thoughtful, “Look, but don’t buy if you can’t afford it, promise me you’ll be good girls and boys,” but damn! You KNOW that you are tempting people and that is just evil. I’m sorry, but Bloomingdales, Lancombe ($75 makeup), and all the priciest places on the Internet? That’s not “discount” shopping! That’s like waving a lifetime of free liquor offer in front of alcoholics and saying, “Now don’t drink if you can’t handle it.”

$2 Fee for Talking to Customer Service: Well, if you’ve read this far you already know the number one thing I hate! I hate that damn $2 customer service fee. If the fee is because you’re checking your balance, then SAY SO! Don’t just tell people it’s $2 to talk to a live representative.

$2 Fee if You Don’t Enroll in Direct Deposit: Suze, girlfriend, not every company HAS direct deposit. Many of us are freelancers, business owners, new business owners etc. and we have customers and clients that work with us once or twice and pay cash, or by check, or Paypal or some other way. Maybe if you were nice to the folks over at Paypal they’d do something for you, but probably not. Paypal has their own debit card thing happening and it ROCKS. Love Paypal!

Not a Beginner Money Card: I say this because if you’re new to the world of debit cards and you can’t or don’t manage your money well, you are SCREWED. There’s a fee and a charge around every bend to take advantage of you if you’re illiterate, don’t read all the fine print and don’t understand how to use their rules to save YOUR money. A $2 fee here, a $2 fee there, maintenance fees, ATM fees, fees for not signing up for direct deposit, a  monthly fee, A $2 FEE FOR CALLING FREAKING CUSTOMER SERVICE!!! and pretty soon you’re spending $30 of the $50 you deposited in your account, just to pay the fees. DO NOT GET THIS CARD unless you read ALL the fine print. All debit cards have fees and charges, but the wording and copy writing on this makes it more confusing than most.

If you want to get a Debit card you can reload and not have to venture into the part of town where all the Pawn Shops and liquor stores and drug-dealers hang out, the best card out there is a Walmart Money card. It’s the cheapest to reload ($3 at any Walmart). So, you save gas — no extra trips to a bank, or Western Union or someplace JUST to put money on your card. You already shop at Walmart — or sleep in the parking lot if you’re homeless, so it’s a no-brainer.

You also don’t have to drive to a neighboring town to find that special store to load your card since many debit cards don’t offer easy loading. You don’t have to drive all over town looking for a CVS (Greendot and Netspend) to reload your card only to find out the clerk has NO idea what you’re talking about, or tries to sell you another card rather than load your current card (been there, done that) and then charges you $5 to put $20 on your card.

If you cash your paycheck at Walmart you can add the money to your card for FREE! Yeah. If you get paid weekly, then that’s $12 to  $20 you SAVE by not having to pay to load money on your card. You can also get Direct Deposit on your Walmart card.

The silhouette is familiar because I’ve seen it a thousand times. I’ve seen it a thousand times because the Rabbi is a friend and a client of mine. I edit his weekly columns to make sure the commas are in the right places and there are no sentence fragments and that sort of thing. Then it goes back to the Rabbi and on to The Jerusalem Post, the world’s top English-language daily newspaper covering Israel, the Middle East and Jerusalem.

The Rabbi posted this photo to his Facebook page and tagged me in it. What delights me so much about this is that Rabbi Issamar is a Hasidic Jew with a genealogy that goes back to King David. We’re both devout followers of our respective faiths (I’m a Christian) who share a passion for G-d, even though we differ on the details we worship the same creator.

We have spent many an hour texting and emailing back and forth about our different faiths and I feel honored to learn what I have about the Jewish faith from him. He teaches with wisdom and humor and I hope I do the same.

But this isn’t a post about religion. It’s about how people. It struck me just how computers and the Internet have shrunk the world. The fact that I can read, edit and send an email to a Rabbi in Jerusalem, where it’s printed and sold the next day to someone who then sits on an airplane flying from Jerusalem to New York. The person is not only reading the column but happens to be reading that page at the same time the Rabbi, who  also happens to be on that plane, sees it and snaps a photo. He then posts it to Facebook where, from where I am in Virgina can see and share it. Small world indeed.

I take great delight in these moments because it reminds me that we all inhabit a miraculous world. It also reminds me of Jacqueline Novogratz and her stunning story (and book) about “The Blue Sweater.” Her story is infinitely more astounding, but both stories remind me too of how interconnected we all are.

The whole “Six degrees of Kevin Bacon” theory, which is sort of an offshoot of the Small World and “Six degrees of Separation” theory about the average path length of social media networks in the United States.

If the world is as small as so much research shows, it makes sense to consider the implications of our words and actions on our own lives. Because if the theories hold true, ultimately what we put out into the world does come back to us in some shape, form or fashion.

Becky Blanton shaking hands with Dan Pink after her TED Global 2009 talk at Oxford in England in 2009

After, “Are you still homeless?” the question I get asked most is, “How can I get invited to speak at TED?” Actually, “How can I get invited to speak at TED?” is usually accompanied by some variation of an assumption I have an inside track or the ear of Chris Carter or the TED organizers.

People believe I can get people I don’t know in front of the committee, or get them invited to speak at TED just on my say so.

I understand from others I know who have spoken at TED that this just comes with the territory and the fact that you made the cut and got to talk there yourself.

I know people think like this because people I don’t even know write me and ask me to (1) help them get to TED, (2) put in a good word for them at TED or (3) recommend them for TED. I know they have no clue about what TED is because when I ask, “What’s your great idea?” the person usually responds, “What do you mean??” or, “I don’t have one, I just want to speak at TED.” or “Can you write something for me?”

The idea that you can make a difference without doing the work, or get recognized simply because you think you need a TED talk on your vita is narcissistic. It’s also a huge misconception about what TED and the selection process and whole event is about. That would totally make TED like any other prestigious organization — dependent more on the good old boy social circle network, back scratching and favors and not dependent on great ideas, insight, story telling and vision. People like Seth Godin, Dan Pink and others keep getting invited back because they consistently have something world changing to say. And that’s how it should be. I do pass along ideas I personally think are TED worthy and of the six ideas I’ve passed along, I do know that five of them were considered. Those I’ve referred to TEDx organizers have, across the board, been selected as well. They were selected because they had TED worthy ideas, talks, insights or material  NOT because they knew someone who spoke at TED.

So, if you want to be invited to speak at TED:

Do something, be something, invent something, research something, create something amazing, brilliant, inspired, funny or powerful. Change the world or present something that educates, entertains, inspires or causes those who see it or experience to change the world.

TED isn’t about YOUR ego. It’s about your ideas, solutions and insights or experiences that — told in a talk can shift people’s minds and hearts. That’s why a homeless woman, a refugee, a child soldier, and people with no connections, no power, no political or financial influence have been selected to speak at TED. TED is a model for how you should be living your life day-to-day— sharing solutions, ideas, insights, wonder and visions with people who can act on them.

Sadly, TED, for so many, has become simply another way to leverage people’s attention and prestige into money, fame and fortune. That, as far I know and believe, is not the purpose of TED, although it can be a by-product. Some days I wonder if TED will go the way of the casting couch, that it will be more of a smooth marketing, social media machine based on a list of speakers who got there because of who they knew rather than what they knew. I worry that it will become a calculated popularity machine, not a tool for the impassioned and world changing individuals. But I’m not going to be part of that kind of TED. For me, it’s about spreading ideas, vision and wonder. I hope it is for you too.

That said, TED now looks at one minute tapes of your proposed TED talk, so if you still want to be invited and you think that based on your own merits and not on who you know, you have what it takes to change the world, here’s your chance. Audition your own TED talk. Be warned, it’s not about who you know, but how world changing your message and idea is:

http://blog.ted.com/2011/04/15/a-chance-to-audition-your-own-ted-talk/ The deadline is past, but if you want to see who made the cut, go here: http://blog.ted.com/2011/05/26/great-minds-think-alike-creative-minds-think-together-ted-full-spectrum-auditions/

Good luck. The world needs incredible, world changing ideas, visions and insights. If you see it as a way to “get rich, famous and in demand quick,” I can point you to any of a dozen Internet scams that will pay off better and faster.

“Oh,” she said. “So how long do you think it will take you to clean up your room?”
The girl’s eyes rolled around in her head.
“Mom! Not more than 15 minutes,” she said.
“How long did it take last week?” mom asked.
The girl frowned.
“All morning.”
“But it’s cleaner this time, so it’ll take less time?” the mother prodded.
At stake was a movie matinee apparently.
The conversation continued. The kids had been promised pizza and movie if they finished their chores, cleaned their rooms and finished their homework. If they didn’t get it all done, no movie. No pizza.
What was so fascinating about the conversation for me was how the mother kept coming back, not to nag, but to ask questions about time.

She reminded her children of the reality of time, not challenging the endless sense of time that children have, but getting them to look at how long things really took, not what they thought they took. Apparently her prodding worked. By the time the conversation had gotten around to taking out the trash the meter was clicking and at least the oldest girl had figured out she was going to have to hustle if she wanted to make that pizza and movie deadline.

Last year I started using a FREE app for Macintosh called TimeEdition (There’s a PC version too). It allows you to track your time on projects, clients and whatever else you have going, at least as long as you’re on the computer. When you leave the computer for a few minutes it will shut itself off after giving a warning beep.

I started using it to track how much time I spent on email, on phone calls, on video games, on client projects and on just surfing. I wrote down my estimates first, then started using the tracker. It’s fast and easy to use — trust me, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be using it! I was stunned.

A client I liked and who had hired me on several ongoing projects began to send me periodic emails throughout the day. At first they were related to the current project, then they totally stopped being about the current project, but became about “possible” projects. I wasn’t charging her for the quick answers and comments, but I tracked it for a month. In 30 days I racked up a total of 12 hours, a little over 30 minutes a day every work day for a month. But no project came out of it, although she got a lot of work done herself by consulting me for advice on small items she then paid someone else to do.

It was more like some days were 10 minutes, some were 45, but looking at my print out, I could see she had nibbled away 12 unpaid hours of consulting and advice for free. It was not her fault — It was mine for allowing it to happen. I sent her the printout and told her that I valued her as a client and a casual friend and wanted to continue our working relationship, but the next month I needed a $1,000 retainer if she wanted to continue to use me to “tweak” her emails, or advise her on different marketing ideas. She was offended. She didn’t think “a few minutes here and there” was something I should charge her for since she was a client, even if they were non-project related. Normally I would have agreed, and did agree until I saw how those “few minutes” every day added up to about $1,200 worth of billable hours a month. She was getting more free time from me than she was spending in services each month. Now I knew why.

When I returned each of her emails the next month with a reminder of our conversation and an invoice, I honored my boundaries, but apparently she didn’t respect them or my time. So she disappeared. I wasn’t too upset since I had just reclaimed 12 hours of my life each month.

I thought about that when I heard the mother talking about a more realistic approach to time management. Even as adults most of us (especially creative types) really don’t have a realistic view of what something takes. I recently quoted a new client $35,000 for a full length business book he wanted ghosted. 250 pages, lots of resources, footnotes and interviews and about a year’s worth of time plus all my writing from scratch. He was stunned. He said, “I can get someone on Elance to do it for about $500,” he said. And I smiled. “And you’ll get a $500 job.” [Ghostwriting is NEVER about the money, always about the value. You may pay someone $500 to write a book, but if no one reads it, you lose money. If you pay $35,000 and the reading is so good that people can't put it down, and recommend it to all their friends, you got a bargain for the $35,000 price tag.]

People tell me that I’ll never have people standing in line to knock down my door to ghost write at that price. I remind them I don’t need people knocking down my door or standing in line. I need one person, not 100. I’m 56. I don’t think I have several hundred full-length books worth of time left in my life. So I don’t worry about lines. I wait patiently for the handful of people who get me, want my writing and value what I bring to the project in terms of life experience, writing skill and personality. And that? I have time for.

How do you invest, spend or piddle away your time? Do you know? How much time do you give away? How many billable hours are lost? How much time do you give yourself for your own projects? Time. Start thinking about it differently. You may not have as much of it left as you thought you did.

Click here for a free, no register download.

CopywritingTips_Homeless

There are days I wake up and wonder how I got so lucky. They’re not all “Oprah or Dr. Phil level” famous, but they should be.

They’re just really, really, really wise people. Most of them blog and every once in a while, actually on a regular basis, they post information that rocks my world. Today one of them, Lorraine Esposito, (who I hired as my own coach last year) posted a “Tip of the Week” article today on guilt and expectations. It’s not long. It’s basic, but it launched me into my own self-examination process because it was so straightforward.

Maybe it’s just me, just the timing, just what I  needed to hear right now, but I thought it was a great post. You can read it yourself here: http://peacemaker-coach.com/Tip-of-the-Week.html.

She’s talking about how we feel guilt when we don’t meet other people’s expectations. Sound familiar? I tied myself in knots and laid in bed and cried all month from the guilt I felt over having pneumonia (out of my control) and not being able to work most of the month.

Each time I started to feel a little better I’d work, relapse and collapse. I was so frustrated. Then I said, “No more. My health is more important than work.” I may have lost some clients, but I really don’t care. I’m more important….if I don’t take care of me I’ll never be able to work. So this was SOOOOOO timely. Here’s a sample. Lorraine writes:

The Problem: Too many people live in a state of conflict. The conflict?:

Other People’s Values (expectations) vs. Their OWN Values (standards).

A few examples of conflict:

• Spending money on yourself when others expect your charity, generosity, abstinence, etc.

• Spending time on yourself when other expect sacrifice, service, help, etc.

• Saying ‘no’ when others expect you to say ‘yes’

• Needing help to satisfy personal needs–even basic ones like food, love, attention, respect–when others expect you to be a bootstrapper

I felt definite conflict when I was sick and had commitments to friends and clients. Friends (for the most part) understood and wished me well and graciously went on without me. Clients, not so much. That’s where I struggled.

I made the commitment and needed and wanted to honor it, but how to do that when I’m spending most of my day wondering whether to go the emergency room because I can barely breathe? Reading her post woke me up. I had no standards and scrambled to meet other people’s expectations without even trying to renegotiate them based on an unforeseen and unavoidable conflict.

2012 is my year to keep affirming my boundaries, but also to start creating standards and expectations! Join me. Make your own list of standards and expectations. See if it changes your life.

In October I caught a mild respiratory virus. Nothing big. I had a runny nose, some sniffles, a few aches. It came and went in a few days and I thought nothing of it. Two weeks later however, I developed a  sinus infection. Not a big deal. I have sinus issues as do most older folks living east of the Mississippi.

I live in a rural area with lots of trees, leaves, flowers, weeds and all the dusty allergy type generating stuff common to the east. It was also a rainy fall and there was a lot of dampness when it wasn’t dusty. The sinus stuff didn’t actually go away, but progressed into the next thing I get every fall—bronchitis. I went to the doctor, got some antibiotics, and the bronchitis sort of started to clear up around Thanksgiving. But I had a persistent cough that wouldn’t go away.

Now, if you have fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), as I do, you know that life and the syndrome has dealt you a hand that includes, on average, TWO serious respiratory illnesses a year. For me that means bronchitis in the spring and fall. Just like clockwork I’m sick over the holidays with some sort of respiratory illness. After doing some research on my illness I also attribute the length and severity of it to the HUGE amounts of soda and sugar I was consuming.

One teaspoon of sugar drops your immune resistance by 15%, or so different researchers say. Drinking one soda, with an average of 15 teaspoons of sugar, must all but eliminate the immune response. Drinking 2-4 sodas a day definitely obliterates any immune response. Who knew!

Since Fibro and CFS are both inflammatory response and immune system issues, I’m not at all surprised I got and stayed sick and struggled to heal. I wasn’t letting my body heal. With all the sugar and processed food I kept pouring into it, it didn’t have a chance. So, I got pneumonia.

If you don’t know much about pneumonia then you should find out all you can, because pneumonia can kill you, and kill you fast—within 48 hours. In most parts of the world pneumonia is the leading cause of death. While most healthy people get better (meaning the coughing and hacking and fevers and more obvious signs go away, but the fatigue can remain for months) within two to three weeks, those with compromised immune systems, like those of us with Fibro and CFS, can take months.

The only “cure” for pneumonia is bed rest and antibiotics. So I’ve been resting. Things I’ve found annoying and even annoying enough to anger me are people who say:

• “It’s just a cough.”
• “You’re not really sick, you’re just depressed.”
• “It’s probably just a bad cold. You can still keep working.”
• “If you stop working just because you’re sick you’ll never get any work done.”
• “You’re sick a lot. Are you sure it’s not all psychological?”
• “My dad had pneumonia and he kept going to work. Why can’t you?”

It seemed like the more I took care of myself, the more annoyed people became. Many friends, clients and acquaintances were supportive, but many were not—feeling angry with me that my illness was inconveniencing them, although the only inconvenience was they had to find someone else to do what I do for them—and that would cost them more $$. I wasn’t asking anything of them. They were asking me for something I could not deliver.

I’ve struggled to find the words to use for those who felt inconvenienced and annoyed with me for being sick and who didn’t hesitate to express that annoyance. A few choice and unprofessional phrases came to mind, but I won’t repeat them here. Suffice it to say I realized they’re not the people I want or need in my life. Pneumonia sucks, and so do some people.  While it has been a miserable month (or more) the good thing is I learned that I matter, that my health  matters and so should yours.

Life is about choices and consequences, relationships and compassion, caring and understanding. If people in your life, clients, friends, family or even strangers, can’t bring those things into your life, why keep them around? If people are only around for the good times and what you can give them or do for them, do you really need them? I say not.

2012 is going to be a pruning year for me. I plan to cut the things, people, habits and events that don’t support, encourage, embrace and improve me out of my life. It’s all about setting stronger, firmer boundaries. I encourage you to look at your life before you get sick and do the same.

Since the overriding common characteristics of both second and third world countries is poverty and economic dependence on capitalism or more advanced and wealthy countries, most people equate poverty and limited or non-existent resources with the third world.

Now, consider Orange County California—by all census and other standards, the richest county in the United States. Yet, there is an invisible third world village there, dependent on the population surrounding them—a population who doesn’t know they exist. There are similar villages across the USA. Three of their children die on the streets EVERY DAY.

Who are they? They are homeless youth. Most have been kicked out of their homes by abusive parents, or they’ve run away because of sexual and physical abuse. Many have parents or a parent who was sent to jail, leaving them alone to fend for themselves. For whatever reason, many have taken to the streets. Some fall prey to prostitution or drugs to survive. Others continue to attend school, holding out hope they’ll be able to survive, get a job and do better once they graduate.

All of them need food, housing, medical care, mentoring, tutoring and help. Stand Up For Kids provides that help, all for $25 a month. That’s less than a dollar a day.

Many of us complain that we’re helping third world countries outside the USA, so here’s your chance to do something for a third world village inside the USA—homeless teenagers. Here’s your chance to help. Make a $25 a month, tax-deductible contribution to Stand Up For Kids by clicking HERE.

People ask me all the time if they should give money to homeless people on the street. I tell them to trust their gut, give only when they want to and they’re comfortable with the idea. I’m telling you that now too. Almost all of the staff at Stand Up For Kids are volunteers. I believe in what they’re doing. I trust them and what they’re doing. I’m asking you to support them, whether it’s $5 or $25 or more. Help get a kid off the streets.

I’ve noticed that people really love setting and enforcing their own boundaries, but when someone else’s boundaries conflict with theirs, they go ballistic. They either accuse the other person of trying to manipulate them, or they try to manipulate the other.

Case in point:

Last fall a friend of mine asked me to house-sit for her for a week. She lives about two hours away, a long drive. Her only request was, “No dogs.” I thought about it and said, “Oh. Well then I can’t do it.” You see, I won’t leave my dog at home alone for a week and I’m not willing to put her in a kennel where she could contract Kennel Cough or some other disease so I can house-sit” Boundaries around how I treat my dog…

So I said, “No.” She was surprised, but I explained why I couldn’t accept. She smiled and said very sweetly, “Well, no dogs is just a boundary my husband and I have. They’re destructive and they smell.” I said, “I understand. Dogs can be destructive and they do smell. My dog is not destructive, but she’s old and yes, she smells. I won’t leave her alone or at a kennel and I have no one to take care of her for a week. So I guess we can’t house-sit for you.”

She looked confused and then shocked. “But it’s our boundary, and I’m just asking you to respect that.”

I nodded and smiled back just as sweetly. “I do respect it. I’m not telling you to change anything. I am telling you my boundaries count too. I don’t leave my dog at home alone or in a kennel. So I can’t accept.” She started to become really upset, even angry that I wouldn’t change my boundaries for how my dog is treated and what I will do with her, to accommodate her need for a house-sitter.

“Well, dogs are non-negotiable,” she said in a tone that told me her husband had made that very clear.

“I understand and respect that. But my boundary about my dog is non-negotiable too.”

“But where am I going to find a house sitter I trust?” she said. “You have to do it.” She was trying to make HER problem my problem. I wasn’t falling for it.

“Actually, no. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I’m willing to help you out, but only if you’ll flex on your boundary about dogs, but if you can’t, then I can’t sit for you. That’s pretty basic. I’m not willing to flex on the kennel thing because of the cost (she wouldn’t pay for it), or the health risk and the potential of losing my dog (who is old) to a disease so you can go on vacation for a week.”

This went on for about 20 minutes. She didn’t grasp the fact that other people (me) have boundaries that deserve respect too. She believed that her boundaries should be respected, and that the world should change to make sure that happened. She was very angry at the suggestion (and reality) that other people have boundaries and have the right to say no to things they don’t want to do, especially if it means not getting her way.

I started noticing that a lot of people act this way. They want to have, enforce and talk about their own boundaries, but are unwilling, even hostile about other people doing the same.

A woman I know who dropped a project we were working on together took off for two weeks, telling me she needed to take care of her health, and that her self-care was a non-negotiable boundary. I was fine with that and willing to reschedule. So I wished her well and rescheduled, even at some inconvenience for me.

Two months later when I had health and financial issues and needed to drop the project to take care of myself and my business, she wasn’t as accepting. It was okay for her to take care of herself, but when I did the same she told people I’d “dropped the ball,” or “bailed on her,” and generally trashed me for taking care of me. That told me right off the bat that in spite of her insistence that she was the “boundary queen” that she didn’t get the whole boundaries thing. She didn’t get it. She didn’t respect me or others with boundaries and wasn’t a safe person. Good thing I found out early in the project! She never once called, emailed or stopped by to check on me, even though she knew my history of fibro etc. going into the project.

There are dozens of examples I could give, but the point is, other people have boundaries too. If you want people to respect your boundaries, then respect theirs. Learn to accept people’s “No” or learn how to negotiate and communicate flexibility.

I recently learned that fatigue, joint pain, foggy brain, tiredness, muscle aches, and all these symptoms I’ve had are related to poor thyroid issues which are tied to stress, burnout and poor diet. I’m addicted to sodas and processed foods—both of which are like being addicted to poison actually—since that’s what they are.  After months and months and years and years of peeling back the onion I finally admitted that taking more supplements and vitamins is not going to fix my primary problem—the food and sugar I’m taking in.

So I did what any obsessive compulsive self-help junkie would do. I ordered a juicer. A Hamilton Beach BigMouth Juicer (yes, it’s an affiliate link). And I love it! I’m looking for a good book on juice recipes, but in the meantime, I’m experimenting—juicing one or two veggies and sipping the results. I’ve gotta admit, they ALL taste pretty darn good. The  next step is a juice fast, rest and recovering from pneumonia, which has knocked me out all month. I’ve literally only gotten out of bed for the most necessary of tasks (think bathroom, not cleaning) and to go to the doctor.

When I wasn’t doing anything else, which was most of the time, I threw impromptu pity parties. Easy to do since I was the only one invited and hey, I wasn’t doing anything else! I wallowed in the “why me?” for awhile. Then I got online and started digging for answers and found the world of juicers. I’d briefly thought about juicing before, but opted against it the three times friends made me carrot and apple, beet or carrot juice and I vomited 30 minutes afterward, then for the rest of the evening. I thought juicing and I didn’t work. Someone told me carrots, beets and some root veggies do that to people and to stick with fruit, celery and then try other things to see what stayed down.

I did it. And everything stayed down and even tasted great and I felt full. So I tried ONE carrot and boom! The nausea welled up and then passed. Now I know. Test all your veggies before guzzling them by the glassful! So now I’m juicing my meals.

I’ve also decided to start “juicing life,” and seeing each moment for what it is, not what it could be, or what I want it to be. I’m going to squeeze every drop out of every day, even if 18 hours of that day are spent in bed resting.

If this isn’t inspiring or educational, it’s not supposed to be. I just wanted to let you all know I’m still here and in “hibernation,” and “healing” mode. Thanks for reading!

She was supportive, calm and my rock in a time I was feeling so uncertain. When I wrote my first speech she read it and said, “You can do better. Rewrite it.” And I did. And with each version I handed her, she said, “You can do better.” But she talked me through the whys and hows. She came home one day with a book on telling stories (that is my bible today). She cared.

Patty’s not an animal lover, but she invited my rottweiler (who is afraid of everyone but took IMMEDIATELY to Patty with nary a whimper) into her home. I can’t think of anyone I count as a better person or friend, and business woman than Patty Newbold is to those who know her. HER story is amazing too, and you can read it at her blog: http://assumelove.com. It took her husband dying for her to find her way and to find what true love means. And she shares that every day in real, applicable ways. Most people run from the demands and strains of marriage and its hardships, Patty runs towards them with arms wide open, solutions in hand. She is nothing short of amazing.

Her tagline, “How to have a happier marriage without waiting for your spouse to change.” is so true!

Now the time has come to vote for her again for Marriage Blog of the Year. She was one of the top 10 blogs last year and I think she should be the NUMBER ONE BLOG this year. I’m asking you to help me help my friend—the woman who has steadfastly been there for me for three years and hopefully will always be….to get something she wants as well. Please vote for her blog. If you loved my TED Global talk, thank Patty Newbold. She pushed me to be my best just as she encourages others to be their best. Vote for her blog. It takes less than a minute:

Here is a shortcut link to the voting site:

http://bit.ly/w4KxLp

To vote for Assume Love:

• Scroll down to the bottom of the post
• Find Assume Love in the drop-down list.
• Add your email address.
• Hit Send.

Her two sites, AssumeLove.com and EnjoyBeingMarried.com are saving relationships and marriages and she’s doing great stuff. Help her continue to do more. She helps  me be there for all the folks that help me, I’m asking that you help her continue to help others do the same!

Thank you!!

UPDATE ON RESULTS:

Patty’s blog was voted 4th out of 48! She’s up from 10th position last year thanks to you guys and her other readers!

Patty is mentioned here, in the Top Ten Marriage Blogs of 2011 competition, http://bit.ly/thQAgQ

She writes:

“Thanks to you, Assume Love remains on the list, one of only four to do so. We even moved up from #10 to #4, despite a field of 48 nominees this year. Your votes did this, and it makes it so much easier to reach more people who want to Enjoy Being Married. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! Patty Newbold.”

Thank YOU for responding and voting. She is doing amazing work and it shows!

Some grads have experienced the callous disregard as well, including John Matco.

Dozens of Penn State fans, even adults and women, spit on John Matco, a 34-year old Penn State Alum who dared to stand up for the victims before the game Saturday. People threw beer on him, cursed him and threatened him.

The Washington Times says Matko was the target of many expletives.

“It’s about education and putting things into perspective what the situation is all about. Hopefully, the fact that both teams sat up and prayed together put that in perspective a little bit.”

What is disturbing is that many of these supporters are women, even women with children. They are carrying their hate to Twitter and beyond. Kelly Long (@Kel_Long or  longkelly10@gmail.com] had no problem attacking me and writing the publications I write for to complain about my tweets regarding Paterno. The exchange she sent was pretty one sided. Although she claims to be a law school student, she forgot there are TWO sides to every story. She left out her tweets calling me a fatass, thinking perhaps, as Joe Paterno, Mike McQueary and Penn State did, that no one would bother to look further than her claims.

She and another tweeter, @MaryMac_III seem to think that attempting to destroy my life, my business and my work with the homeless and others is the way to shut me up—much like their hero Joe Paterno and Penn State shut up Mike McQueary. I don’t shut up. Kelly Long and Mary Mac, like Paterno, McQueary, Curly and all organizations that use force and intimidation to try to make people stay silent, are why we, as a country, have failed our children and need to continue to speak out. Kelly Long is a law student and if she graduates and if she passes the bar, she’ll be part of the system that prosecutes people based on if they suck up and agree with her opinion.

As a survivor of child abuse myself I WILL NOT SHUT UP. Women like Kelly Long and Mary Mac are simply the female versions of the male domination and threat systems we see at Penn State, at The Citadel, in all branches of the US Military and in police departments around the country. We have stopped being a country of free speech and have become a country like Nazi Germany where he with the biggest stick had the right to free speech. For too long victims have kept silent. They haven’t opposed the Kelly Long’s, the Mary Macs, the Joe Paterno’s, the Penn States and others who have succeeded in shaming, threatening and abusing those who have an opinion contrary to theirs.

The privileged few, the 1 percenters, who think they can attack, threaten and abuse anyone because they have enough “F*** You” money position and power are wrong. Not only are these two women writing TED, tweeting TED and emailing, they think their entitlement to respect they haven’t earned trumps my right to employment, and to free speech and to my own opinion. IF you can’t handle the heat on Twitter then get off the service. What they fail to realize is that by trying to ensure they shut me up they’re making it more possible for me to speak out.

The reason the trend towards narcissistic youth is troubling is that this is a trend. The feeling and comfort of entitlement is NOT a one time oversight. As the investigation into Penn State’s football program continues it seems that Joe Paterno had a history of ethical violations. No wonder this one incident was no big deal. It was one in a long line of ethical lapses.

Nick Summers, a writer for The Daily Beast, goes into detail in an excellent article. He says:

As the Nittany Lions won more games, their players more often broke the law. Between 2002 and 2008, 46 Penn State players were charged with a total of 163 crimes; 27 were found guilty. The Daily Beast was not able to obtain information confirming how many of those charged were accused of sex crimes but there were at least four cases of students accused of sex crimes during that period.

The worst of the crimes of Penn State haven’t been uncovered. The stories that Sandusky was selling sexual access to children to Penn State Boosters and donors is growing. So are the number of victims. The reason Joe Paterno hired a CRIMINAL defense attorney tells many people he knows more than he’s willing to admit to. The world can only hope that the victims do get a piece of Paterno/PennState pie before the lawyers take it all.

But whatever happens, I refuse to shut up. I encourage other victims to step up, to blog, to tweet, to retweet and to object. It’s time to show the bullies they can’t bully us any more.

If they look like real people and aren’t just a fake profile, I generally say yes. All I do on social media sites is vent, praise, be a cheerleader and a social butterfly anyway. I don’t share anything on line I wouldn’t say after I sung the national anthem at a football game. Still, I don’t want unsafe people privy to my personal conversations any more than you’d want some stranger obviously eavesdropping on your lunchtime chat with a co-worker. It just feels creepy. I can like you, but not be your friend.

The other person I say “No,” to is people I have a history with, unsafe people. People who have proven they will lie to me, and then lie to me about lying to me, and then lie to me about lying to me about lying to me. You know the type. Most of these are ex’s of some sort: ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-co-worker, ex-neighbor, ex-landlord, anyone who at one time was an acquaintance, friend, lover or in your life for some reason. Ex’s are ex’s for a reason and not all those reasons are good. While I maintain a civil, and sometimes even friendly acquaintance with them, as in I smile and chat with them in the grocery store if I should happen to run into them (Hi! How’re the kids? How’s work? How’s your parole officer?) that doesn’t mean I want to share the details of my life with them—even the inconsequential details.

I have a three lie rule. Lie to me once and you get my attention. Lie to me twice and I start looking for the door. Lie to me three times and I’m gone. I’m not talking about those, “I like your haircut,” when you really think it makes me look older; or the “This is a great dinner!” when you’re struggling to swallow whatever I just served. I’m talking about the “I did not have sex with that woman,” kind of Clintonesque lie. I’m talking about the lie that puts walls between us, the lies about your life, values or feelings that impact our relationship. I’m talking about the boyfriend who said, “I didn’t sleep with her,” when he did, then lied about it, then lied about lying about it. I’m talking about the co-worker who supports you to your face, then goes behind your back and lies about you to your boss.

If people can’t be honest about their feelings, thoughts and life with you there is no friendship. So while I might stop and exchange pleasantries or smile and wave “hello” to an old acquaintance in the supermarket just to be polite or because I can’t  avoid them, it doesn’t mean I want to friend them on Facebook.

If you have a clean slate with me, and an interesting history I can find online, I’m open to exploring and exchanging ideas. But if you’re someone from my past who has hurt me in any way, the door is closed. You had your chance(s) and blew it. Your bad. Have a nice life. Just don’t have it in my circles.