I’m finally feeling hope again after the rush of outpouring of anger and calls for Joe Paterno’s firing. If you don’t read or follow the news you may have missed the Grand Jury charges of 40+ counts of child sexual abuse against at least 8 children by former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky. More victims are coming forward, making the count as high as 17, although the average pedophile is believed to molest hundreds of children in their lifetime. Penn State Athletics director Tim Curley and senior vice president Gary Schultz also were arrested on charges of perjury and failing to report what they knew about Sandusky’s abuse. There’s a long chain of men who failed—proof that Penn State talks the talk, but doesn’t walk the walk when it comes to ethics and honor. Once again, the outside looks great, but the core is rotten.

What gives me hope is that the instant the news broke the reaction was immediate. No one waited to see what might happen, or what the media would say. They reacted out of moral outrage and horror—as they should have and as Penn State’s Head Football Coach Joe Paterno FAILED to do when he was told nine years ago his assistant coach was sodomizing a 10-year old boy in the Penn State showers. Joe Paterno did what he was supposed to do, but he didn’t do the right thing. He told the Athletic Director what had been reported to him by an eye-witness, then he kept his mouth shut. Millions of Americans recognized what one of the supposedly best coaches in America didn’t, that DOING THE RIGHT THING requires moral action as well as following university policy. It didn’t help that Graham Spanier, the LOSINGEST University President in the history of the WORLD used his power and influence to keep Joe from speaking out. That is what is so disgusting—that people in a position to effect change, don’t, because of their fear of how it will make them LOOK. My mother did that, looked the other way. So did friends and neighbors. No one wanted to look at it, or even think about it, let alone talk about it. My mother said, when Pastor William “Bill” Mounts of Second Presbyterian Church in Knoxville, TN was found in his underwear surrounded by naked boys that, “It would be too embarrassing to say anything.” Mounts was simply forced out of the church, much like the Catholics do with their priests, covering up, alluding, giving excuses and letting him become someone else’s problem while the boys he molested (I know them and have heard their stories of being plied with pot and pills and allowed to drive his Jag) go on to lead lonely miserable lives.

Penn State had the university’s “best image” in mind, not the lives of children present on their campus. Penn State was more worried obviously about how an investigation could tarnish their image, not about how being  sodomized by a grown man would ruin a 10-year old boy’s life. Penn State is no more a school of moral strength or conviction than Jerry Sandusky, pedophile, is a man of compassion. Penn State is only as strong as its weakest moral link and that link is Jerry Sandusky.

As someone whose life was ruined by pedophiles I can tell you that they don’t just hurt you physically, they kill your soul. They murder your innocence, they steal your life.  No amount of money can replace what Joe Paterno, Jerry Sandusky and the administrators of Penn State STOLE from those children and the public recognizes that. I only hope that everyone charged is convicted and that they all go to a general population prison where they will have to worry about what happens to them in the shower. Then, and ONLY then, will they finally understand even a little, what they did to the boys they betrayed.

I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced the violation can ever imagine the rage, the anguish and the pain of that depth of betrayal of a child. To think that a man let his career stand in the way of the lives of dozens of boys when his supposed life was about molding and mentoring young men staggers my mind. If Joe Paterno and his son Scott defend his decisions then they are, in effect, saying if Scott’s three children had been sodomized in a shower by a grown man who pinned them against a cold tile wall and forced himself on them then threatened them, that Joe and Scott would “be okay” with that. If that’s the case, then I fear for the Paternos children and grandchildren and everyone who comes in contact with them. Graham Spanier is obviously a sociopath and will burn in hell. I’m sure Satan has a place reserved for him right next to Jerry Sandusky, whom child advocates are all praying for—praying that he kills himself while out on bail.

Is this a strong post? You bet it is. If if scares you, imagine what you  might have felt had you been that naked, defenseless, frightened child, betrayed and lied to by someone you thought was there to protect and save you. You’ve not only lost your parents and been orphaned, but now your so-called rescuer is raping you? There is no hell hot enough for pedophiles and certainly not for those who cover for them.

When Joe Paterno is gone they will NOT write about him that he made Penn State a better place OR that he was a football coach. They will write, “He failed in his moral obligation as a father, a coach, a human being and a leader.”

So I emailed Jodi Kaplan, someone I know from a social media group I belong to. I got the awesome-est answer from her. Jodi owns Kaplan Copy in NYC. Forget all you’ve heard about brusk New Yorkers. Jodi’s friendly as any any southerner I’ve ever known! She has been consistently helpful, knowledgeable and brilliant for years, not just to me, but to hundreds of folks. She speaks geek, but understands dummies too. I asked her what model or brand of external hard drive to buy and pissed and moaned about backing up files. She listened and she said:

An Iomega Prestige 1TB. I think there’s a newer model now.

Look for a longer warranty (over a year), and beware of junk software a lot of manufacturers add. You don’t need their backup, or their Windows anti-virus, and that stuff takes up space.

(If Time Machine doesn’t pop up, go to Apple Menu >System Preferences >Time Machine and slide the switch to ON. Then keep going as above.)

* * * * *

Wow! Is that not great stuff to know? I didn’t even know I didn’t know all that! All she HAD to really do was tell me what model/brand. But she went ABOVE and BEYOND! Like she always does. She volunteered it because it would be helpful to know. She does this with ALL her clients, friends and social network folks. The stuff you pay for from her is even better! If you get a chance, go to her website, http://kaplancopy.com, and sign up for her newsletter – also filled with great stuff. She doesn’t know I’m promoting her, and there are no affiliate links in this post. Jodi just rocks. Plain and simple. She’s excellent at what she does. And today, when everything is going wrong, Jodi is the only thing going right.

If you’re the person who wants out, make that clear. Don’t just disappear. After months of tolerating disrespect, abuse and people taking us for granted our tendency is still one of feeling guilty for walking away. It’s NOT your fault! Tell the person “This isn’t working for me and I’m leaving. I don’t want to engage with you any more, so please don’t contact me.” End it.

“No, I don’t want to be your friend/business partner/buddy/sidekick,” means, “I want nothing to do with you. I don’t want to respond to your emails, phone calls or letters, so I’m not and I won’t, no matter how many you send or make. I don’t want to waste time arguing with you because I know you’re really just feeding your drama addiction and have no desire to change, apologize, move on or get help.”

When given the chance to engage, talk, work out things, share, debate, relate and be engaged in the relationship prior to your decision to leave, chances were your abuser wasn’t interested. They kept being abusive. If they could have changed, they would have. Change doesn’t happen overnight. If they get help and spend 2-6 years in hard, dedicated therapy, they could change. But let them do it. In the meantime, get on with your life. It’s passing. Every minute spent feeling guilt, loss, regret or sadness over leaving is a minute you don’t have to spend feeling joy, happiness and wonder at the people who could be in your life loving and appreciating you.

Narcissists, passive-aggressives, bullies, butt-heads and bad bosses are poison. Quit ingesting their toxic energy. Say “No.” Leave. And having left, don’t look back. SO much more awaits you down the road. If you feel sorry for them (and yes, they are pathetic), then realize that your leaving may be the straw that kicks them in the teeth and shows them that they can’t keep acting like they do and keep generous, loving people like you in their lives for any length of time. Your leaving may be the thing that saves them. Then again, they may never get it. And if they don’t, you’re better off for having left when you did.

Don’t believe just me. Dr. Henry Cloud has an awesome book called: Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward. He outlines and explains why endings are good things. Without those “necessary endings” we’d all be still crawling on all fours, married to the first person we dated and driving the first car we bought. Read the book if you’re having trouble leaving that toxic relationship. If you are the toxin, read it too. It may be time to get help.

Those people we admire most, the business leaders we believe to be most admirable and trustworthy are praising a narcissist, one of the most emotionally devastating and abusive personalities known to man. Only the sociopathic serial killer does more damage to society.

Don’t mistake being a great innovator and genius for being a great human being, otherwise you send the wrong message and we end up creating more monsters, not more technology. As a society we’re far too quick to look the other way when abusers bring money, art, talent or better economics to the societal table. It makes us whores, willing to sell our standards for the best design, the sexiest films, the most outrageous products. Do you truly value caring, compassion, authenticity and your tribe? Or are you after a buck, attention and success at any price?

Praise Jobs where he excelled, but don’t dare cast him as a caring, concerned or compassionate leader. He’s a narcissist who abused, cheated and whored his way to the top abusing others. He’s a shark. There’s a place in the world for sharks, but you might notice that people choose to swim with dolphins and away from sharks. There’s a reason. Well known for publicly humiliating subordinates, Jobs left more than great computer designs and innovations in his wake. He left broken spirits, broken hearts and ruined lives behind as well. Recovering from the abuse of a narcissist is one of the most difficult betrayals anyone can heal from. Ask anyone who has worked for him directly.

Jobs is not alone in his narcissistic approach to business, a scary development for creatives. The Harvard Business Review says narcissists are changing the face and personality of business – a dangerous precedence in a world where creativity is projected to rule the next two decades or more. Love the technology. Love the design, but take seriously the impact of how the Steve Jobs and narcissists of the world are changing business more than the Seth Godins, and ask yourself which way you really want things to go. Don’t romanticize the man. He’s not the designs he created. Admire his teeth from afar.

In Anytown, USA or Anytown, The World, there’s a widget factory that employs 100 people. There’s production, shipping, administrative, sales, all the departments any factory would have. Things are going along as always until one day one of the administrative people gets sick. She’s the girl who orders all the supplies for the supervisors. It’s no big deal because she keeps things well-stocked and no one misses her.

The folks on the production floor hear about her illness and shrug.

“Doesn’t affect me,” they say, going on about their business.

The folks in sales hear about her illness and shrug.

“Doesn’t affect me,” they say, going on about their business.

The folks in shipping and receiving hear about her illness and shrug.

“Doesn’t affect me,” they say, going on about their business.

Then one day the forms for one division run out. The supervisor is angry. This has never happened before. He remembers he heard that the woman who orders the forms was sick and that no one else knows how many forms to order. So he photocopies the last form he has and requests that someone order more. He realizes he needs a carbon copy to turn in to sales and to other departments and realizes his workload just got a little bit bigger. He now has to photocopy each completed form and then put it in the workflow. He usually does this as each form is filled out, but going to the copier every hour takes too much time. So he does it at the end of the day, delaying the ordering process by a day.

It causes other departments to slow down as it disrupts their process, but people adjust. The change is so incremental they don’t realize their production is off too. Things begin to clog up all over the factory. But no one does anything because “someone” will take care of it or “IT” will sort itself out. They still don’t realize where the problem is.

One day there are the usual problems with a machine and production grinds to a halt so the supervisor gives the photocopying job to a worker who is idle because of the shutdown so he can deal with the machinery. The worker knows how to run a copy machine, but doesn’t understand the importance of the job. Halfway through the photocopying job the machine starts running and the worker is called back to the production line. He places the half-finished job on the supervisor’s desk and doesn’t have time to leave him a note that the job is not finished.

The supervisor comes back, sees the stack on his desk, leafs through the copies and assumes the job is finished. So he puts the paperwork in the mail to the different departments. Half of the departments don’t get their copies so they don’t start the appropriate steps they need to take to reorder parts, supplies, boxes and whatever is needed so they can do their job. What they do is write up a report that sales are down. The CEO goes to sales and asks what the problem is. Sales hears this and shows her their records–which show that sales are the highest they’ve ever been.

Sales are high, but without the proper supplies to produce the widgets haven’t been ordered, so production slows. Because production slows widget buyers get impatient, cancel their orders or find other suppliers and sales drop. The huge order of supplies comes in so now the company can meet the demand, but the demand is false. And so it goes, all because one critical, but seemingly insignificant person became ill.

The impact of one employee, one person is far reaching. So when someone gave me the gift of the remark, “Why should I get all upset about child sexual abuse, or rape, or all these things you’re talking about if they don’t affect me?”  Thus the story. The truth is, those things do affect you, just not in a way you can see it. From the Child Welfare Government site:

Direct costs. Direct costs include those associated with maintaining a child welfare system to investigate and respond to allegations of child abuse and neglect, as well as expenditures by the judicial, law enforcement, health, and mental health systems. A 2001 report by Prevent Child Abuse America estimated these costs at $24 billion per year. More recent reports place it at $61 Billion a year.

Indirect costs. Indirect costs represent the long-term economic consequences of child abuse and neglect. These include costs associated with juvenile and adult criminal activity, mental illness, substance abuse, and domestic violence. They can also include loss of productivity due to unemployment and underemployment, the cost of special education services, and increased use of the health care system. Prevent Child Abuse America estimated these costs at more than $69 billion per year (2001)

Behavioral Consequences

Not all victims of child abuse and neglect will experience behavioral consequences. However, behavioral problems appear to be more likely among this group, even at a young age. An NSCAW survey of children ages 3 to 5 in foster care found these children displayed clinical or borderline levels of behavioral problems at a rate of more than twice that of the general population (ACF, 2004b). Later in life, child abuse and neglect appear to make the following more likely:

Difficulties during adolescence. Studies have found abused and neglected children to be at least 25 percent more likely to experience problems such as delinquency, teen pregnancy, low academic achievement, drug use, and mental health problems (Kelley, Thornberry, & Smith, 1997). Other studies suggest that abused or neglected children are more likely to engage in sexual risk-taking as they reach adolescence, thereby increasing their chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (Johnson, Rew, & Sternglanz, 2006).

Juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. According to a National Institute of Justice study, abused and neglected children were 11 times more likely to be arrested for criminal behavior as a juvenile, 2.7 times more likely to be arrested for violent and criminal behavior as an adult, and 3.1 times more likely to be arrested for one of many forms of violent crime (juvenile or adult) (English, Widom, & Brandford, 2004).

Alcohol and other drug abuse. Research consistently reflects an increased likelihood that abused and neglected children will smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol, or take illicit drugs during their lifetime (Dube et al., 2001). According to a report from the National Institute on Drug Abuse, as many as two-thirds of people in drug treatment programs reported being abused as children (Swan, 1998).

Abusive behavior. Abusive parents often have experienced abuse during their own childhoods. It is estimated approximately one-third of abused and neglected children will eventually victimize their own children (Prevent Child Abuse New York, 2003).

There are dozens and dozens of additional examples of how you are affected by child sexual abuse. It’s not just your taxes though. It’s your life and your property since reenactment of childhood victimization is the major cause of violence in our society.

• Numerous-studies have documented that most violent criminals were physically or sexually abused as children. (Groth, 1979; Seghorn et al, 1987)
• Over 95% of perpetrators who sexually abuse female children and over 80% of those who abuse male children, are men. Most of these men were abused themselves in childhood. (Fergusson & Mullen, 1999)
• Children from violent homes are 24 times more likely to commit sexual assault than their counterparts from non-violent homes. (Dinzinger, 1996)
  Of 14 juveniles condemned to death for murder in the US in 1987, 12 had been brutally physically abused and five had been sodomized by relatives as children. (Lewis et al, 1998)
• A study of convicted killers reports 83.8% suffered severe physical and emotional abuse and 32.2% were sexually violated as children. (Blake, 1995)

• The mental health system is filled with survivors of prolonged, repeated childhood trauma.
  50 to 70% of all women and a substantial number of men treated in psychiatric settings have histories of sexual or physical abuse, or both. (Carmen et al, 1984; Bryer et al., 1987; Craine et al., 1988)
• As high as 81% of men and women in psychiatric hospitals with a variety of major mental illness diagnoses, have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse. 67% of these men and women were abused as children. (Jacobson & Richardson, 1987)
• 74% of Maine’s Augusta Mental Health Institute patients, interviewed as class members, report histories of sexual and physical abuse. (Maine BDS, 1998)
• The majority of adults diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (81%) or Dissociative Identity Disorder (90%) were sexually and/or physically abused as children. (Herman et al, 1989; Ross et al, 1990)
• Women molested as children are four times more at risk for Major Depression as those with no such history. They are significantly more likely to develop bulimia and chronic PTSD. (Stein et al, 1988; Root & Fallon, 1988; Sloane, 1986; Craine, 1990)
• 97% of mentally ill homeless women have experienced severe physical and/or sexual abuse. 87% experienced this abuse both as children and as adults. (Goodman, Johnson, Dutton & Harris. (1997)
• 85% of boys and girls committed to the Maine Youth Center report a history of childhood trauma. (MAYSI: Massachusetts Assessment Youth Screening Inventory Assessment. Sept. 1999)
• Over 75% of juvenile girls identified as delinquent by court have been sexually abused. When they run away from the abuse at home, they are often labeled as delinquent. (Calhoun et al 1993)
• 80% of women in prison and jails have been victims of sexual and physical abuse. These women are far more likely to be abused while in prison. (Smith, 1998)
• Without help, one-third of those abused in childhood may abuse or neglect their own children, perpetuating an intergenerational cycle of abuse. (Kaufman, 1987)

I often wonder who and what I could have become had I not been so severely abused. What could I have given to society as a doctor, researcher or educator – all things I wanted to be at one time? I’m healing, but I look around at the quality of my life over the years and grieve at what could have been. You think you’re not affected? You are. You are affected by the loss of all the potential of those folks you encounter. Customer service sucks? Statistically you’re being impacted because at least one-quarter of those people you deal with don’t have the requisite skills they need to do their job because of their background of abuse. As more and more people with abuse issues enter an increasingly high-tech society with higher demands for creative and social skills more people are going to be out of work or become a greater burden on society that is already struggling with a lack of resources.

Many workers don’t even deal or experience the worst of their emotional and psychological issues until their mid 20’s or early 30’s their most productive work years. Add divorce, a bad economy and the usual life stress issues to the mix and if you aren’t a victim of abuse you may be married to one, dating one, divorced from one or employing one. Every facet of your life is affected, from people who don’t understand boundaries, to people who violate yours in small to large ways every day. Your children are engaging with children in school who are being victimized right now. That kid with the drug problem urging your child to try smoking pot or popping pills? Good chance he/she is being molested or abused by someone.

Managers aren’t dealing with the root of the problem. They’re saying, “Get over it, don’t think about it, forget it,” or are asking employees to self-medicate or not take care of themselves in order to deliver work at a level many can’t do because of the abuse.

The educational system thinks the issue is drug and alcohol use and control.

Your neighbors think it’s a moral, religious, personal issue they shouldn’t get involved in. And so it goes on, the illness that affects one person affects us all, whether we realize life is a widget factory or not.

Still think you’re not impacted?

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I received several emails this weekend from people in my life addicted to drama, and several emails from people asking me what to do about the people in THEIR lives who are addicted to drama.

It must be the full moon.

Some people in our lives are healthier than others and just have a few weak spots that need shoring up and come to us looking for encouragement, not to be rescued. Others are people we should routinely ignore.

There’s a way to tell a difference. The ones I ignore tip their hand with two or three little words, “YOU SHOULD,” or “YOU NEED TO.”  If this is you, tell me you weren’t thinking when you wrote that email or picked up the phone and wrote or said:

“YOU need to do something…..”

Um. No I don’t. And no your friend doesn’t. It is not our responsibility to fight your battles, act out your dramas or get caught up in your family shit. It’s NOT our problem and smart people won’t be manipulated, tricked or guilted into taking it on.

You don’t have anyone to help you pack and move? Hire someone. You have $250,000 in your 401K. Not my problem that you’re too stingy to let go of a few hundred bucks to get your stuff cross country. I quit moving people I don’t know for the price of pizza and beer in college. The last time I heard from you was almost two years ago – the last time you moved and needed slave labor. I’m not a free back and pair of arms. HIRE SOMEONE.

Your brother doesn’t have rent money this month because he smoked it, drank it, partied it away or took his new girlfriend out on the town last week? That is NOT your problem unless you want it to be. Me? I wouldn’t take it on. Why WOULD you?

Your daughter’s in love with a drunk dialer and you’re tired of answering the phone at 3 a.m. when the bars close and he gets lonely and your daughter’s at work? So don’t answer the phone. It’s not my responsibility to call him and talk to him because you don’t have a spine, good boundaries or don’t want to turn your phone’s ringer off. When you suffer the consequences of no sleep and lose your job because you can’t get up the morning after listening to a drunk bore you for an hour, trust me – you’ll LEARN to say “NO!” or hang up on the bastard.

Your funny uncle isn’t so funny any more and is molesting your niece? And you WRITE me to tell me that “No one knows what to do about it.”!? I can’t believe that. No one WANTS to do anything about it is more likely. Too much drama potential with the uncle there. You ALL KNOW the right thing to do, but you don’t want to do it. Big difference between not knowing what to do and being willing to do it once you have an answer. Not convinced? Okay. It’s simple. Call Child Protective Services, call the police, call someone and get the child out of the home, or TAKE the child out of the home yourself and let the abuser know you WILL call both the police and CPS if they insist on getting them back before enrolling in therapy and you all talking to the therapist about what’s best for all. Don’t call me. Call a lawyer. Call a therapist. Call a cop. I’m none of those. It’s not my family and I am up to my own ass in alligators right now. It’s NOT my problem. It’s yours.

Listen guys, friends are NOT people who do your dirty work or set and enforce your boundaries for you. They’re not people you go to to get bailed out because your own boundaries suck, because you made bad choices, or because you’re spineless or lazy or a people pleasing toady who doesn’t want to confront the people who are using you as a doormat. If THEY have good boundaries they won’t get involved and you’ll have guilt feelings for asking.

I have my own list of panic attack, sphincter clutching, nail biting life crisis and relationship/client situations to confront. I’m in my own co-dependent hell of my own making and poor decisions, and I know it. So I can only deal with my stuff. Unless you want to swap one of your dramas for one of mine, we can’t do business.

So, please DO NOT write me and tell me I:

• HAVE to do something
• SHOULD do something
• COULD do something

about a problem that does not directly and immediately impact ME. I’m willing to say, “I’m sorry for you. That’s awful. I’ll pray for you. I’ll be thinking of you. That’s got to be painful.” or something along those lines, but I will not fight your battles for you. Please stop asking. And leave your friends alone if you want them to remain your friends. We’re all adults here. We’re in the situations we’re in because we made the decisions that got us here. There’s a difference between helping someone and being mutually supportive and using or manipulating or roping someone into something you don’t want to deal with. The biggest clue is the concept of reciprocity is at work and both of you are doing your own heavy lifting 99% of the time. We all need a hand now and then, but don’t expect other people to run your life. It really doesn’t work.

My friend Patty Newbold just launched an online course on how to tell your spouse, partner, boyfriend that you’re going to make the entrepreneurial leap. Me? I wouldn’t do it without asking Patty’s advice, but then, I totally trust her wisdom. She’s the one who encouraged me to rewrite my TED talk until I got it right. She’s the one who pushes me more than any friend I have to dig deeper, go further and risk more with my writing. I cannot begin to tell you how instrumental she has been in my development as a writer. She’s incredible. So, unasked, no affiliate, nothing in this self-promotion except a chance to promote and help Patty and anyone who takes this course – I’m urging you to check it out!! Check out her blog at: http://assumelove.com too.

I’m promoting this new course she has because I think it will rock. I KNOW it will rock. EVERYTHING from Patty always does. SHE should be a TED speaker on the subject of marriage because she has such a grasp of what it takes to actually thrive in a relationship. If you’ve seen positive changes in me, attribute them in large part to Patty. Anyway, here’s the link. Now GO!! http://www.enjoybeingmarried.com/selfemployment/

At first I thought rude, aggressive, hateful people and their emails, comments, remarks etc deserved an equally offensive or scathing reply. After all, they threw the first punch right?

Then I evolved a bit and believed that all rude people and rude emails should be met with a mature and reasoned approach – after all, we all have problems and maybe their inner troll, child just needed a hug and a caring adult to respond to them. Do that enough times and surely they’ll come around (they won’t).

Now I’m finally at the stage where I believe the best response to people who are rude, aggressive, obnoxious or simply just outrageously, incredibly inappropriate or offensive is just to hit the delete button. Don’t engage. Don’t respond. Don’t react. Just trash the email, ignore the comment, walk away, don’t answer.

After giving it a lot of thought, it makes sense. Why waste even a minute of my life on something or someone so negative, useless, offensive or obnoxious? They aren’t going to change in that moment. They aren’t attacking, criticizing or asking stupid questions because they want to learn something or become a better person. They have another agenda and it’s not my job or desire to support it. Why spend 20 minutes fuming over an email, then another 30 crafting a reply? What a waste of time! So now I ask myself, “Do I want to pursue a relationship of ANY kind with this person?” If the answer is no, I hit delete. Problem solved.

Many of us have socially inept friends, or people who make inappropriate comments (self included), or who aren’t always *on* and functioning. I’m not talking about ignoring or deleting them – although at some point we might. I’m talking about the folks/trolls (strangers and acquaintances) who are so negative, manipulative, back-stabbing and bitter that they are obsessed with making people’s lives miserable with their words (written or spoken). Then there are the ones who are so screwed up they can’t decide who their enemy is, but they think often enough it’s you (because you remind them of their father or brother, or mother or sister), until they decide maybe it’s not (crazy makers). You’re expected to accept their rants (NOT) and love them anyway.

I’m talking about the people you don’t know, or that you’ve interacted with often enough to realize you’re not making a dent in their reality and only wasting your time. Do you really want to respond to them and waste your precious time (which you never ever get back) engaging with idiots? I say no. From now on, I’m just hitting delete.

You do not owe anyone your time. When you realize that, others will respect your time much more. – Martha Beck, Daily Coach Tips

I deliver value. I go 200% above and beyond for my clients. If they hire me to write a press release I often not only suggest markets for them, but often craft an extra version or two as a specific pitch for a couple of magazines they might stand a chance in. I’ve even been able to place two clients in national magazines with pitches I made personally to the editor on their behalf.

I suggest marketing and strategy plans for their ebooks. I don’t just design and dump. I care. I get involved. If they succeed, I reason, I succeed. The more business they do, and the more successful they are because of my efforts – the more I will be valued. I enjoy doing what I do and I think they do too. They get, as the saying goes, “More than their money’s worth.” I take pride in that. It’s part of my unique selling point – that kind of quality.

But lately I’ve noticed something happening. I am/was spending so much time over delivering – really over delivering, that I allowed added value to turn into client driven scope creep and not from my own availability and generosity. In other words I allow myself to be taken advantage of – giving added value I don’t have the time or resources to give every time – simply because someone has grown accustomed to such treatment in the past.  Scope creep is when I agree to write five pages of web copy for your new website, but then you also ask me to write a press release about the launch of the site, or ask me to write a couple of blog posts to kick off the site, or ask me to pen the intro to your first newsletter or write the copy for the auto-responder – as “part of the initial project’s scope,” meaning, for no extra pay. After all, you think – Becky can just “knock this stuff out.” It should only take her 10 – 15 minutes right? What’s 15 minutes?  A lot actually – but lest I digress…

Scope creep means the original project gets done, but then there are additional things that get added on. For instance, another example:

You decide to add on an extra room to the house for instance, and you plan and budget for that, only along the way you decide you want a bathroom and shower and a skylight added – things that weren’t in the original plan – or more importantly, weren’t in the original budget.

Or, you check your bank balance and have an extra $100 bucks and decide to go to the beach for the off-season weekend, stay in a no-tell-motel at $50 a night, and lie next to the water and read books and sleep and eat fast food to save money. But there’s a party and a concert and you run into friends who want to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant and you say, “What the hell, we’re at the beach – having fun – let’s go.” And your credit card takes an unexpected extra $100 hit you weren’t counting on. Scope creep.

Now, if you were the contractor and your client said, “Oh, you know, I was thinking we should add a bathroom and a skylight to this room,” you might have to adjust your schedule and the blueprints and make arrangements to extend your crew and what not, but that’s okay if you have the time and the crew. You’re making more money right? But what if the client says, “What do you mean you’re charging extra for that? You said you’d add on a room. I’ll buy the tub and fixtures, but, geesh, how much more time can it take to connect a few pipes? I can’t believe you’re going to charge extra for that! What kind of contractor are you?! You’re going to nickel and dime me on costs for this room? I can’t believe it!”

Insane right? But people don’t think twice about doing the same thing with writers and designers. Fortunately there are places like Freelance Switch who have great advice on handling scope creep.

It’s one thing for me to decide to be generous and add value, time and a little extra to your project because I’m feeling generous and love the project and happen to be in a good frame of mind, but it’s another to hear, “Can you just add a couple pages and rewrite this entire chapter. I know we agreed to do “A,” but after looking at it I want do do “M” and I know it’s more time, but it would make it look so much better. Oh, and by the way, I just wrote some blog posts to promote this book. Can you look them over and maybe tweak them for me? You know, add that special touch?” and then ASSUME I’m going to do it for free.

This happens so much to me I started seriously thinking I was going crazy, being selfish, or missing something. Then I talked to other designer friends and writer friends and figured it out. People are not used to hiring creatives. They’re used to an employee/employer mindset where they pay you $x amount of dollars per hour and then they try to get as much work out of you in that hour as they can – as they would an hourly wage earner. That’s fine – if you’re paying an employee. But I’m not an employee. I provide a specialized, valuable service for a fee. You can’t find anyone else that can provide my unique style, personality, value and connections. You can find other people who provide their own unique valuable style, but I’m the only Becky Blanton, writer, etc. etc. ME there is with the resources, skills, insights etc. That’s what you’re paying for – not the time. Not the widget. You’re getting value. I really liked what Thursday Bram had to say in her article on Freelance Switch about scope creep:

Say No.

“Especially if you’re working with a client that is newer to working with freelancers or the type of project you’re working on, he may not recognize how much work his requests require. Furthermore, many clients are willing to pay to make the changes they want to their project — they’re just not clear on what those changes may require.

But sometimes clients want more than what the project originally called for, without having to pay more. If that point comes around, the only option you may have is to put your foot down and say no. It may not be the best option for maintaining a long-term relationship with the client in question — but losing a client who doesn’t consider your time worth paying for is probably not the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.“
Amen.

We both belong to Seth Godin’s social network triiibes.com, and I post there quite regularly. I posted this blog there and he asked for permission to post it on his copywriting blog. I agreed and so there you go! If you came here from there, welcome! If not, please go there from here. That’s an unabashed plug for Jack. Like Bob Bly, he is a masterful copy writer and I love that he loves my stuff. I decided to post this here as well for several reasons – so people do realize that the homeless are not people to be pitied, but are actually people like me and you – except without the money and the bills or a means to fiance their lives. People without homes haven’t lost their sense of humor, not all of them anyway, and they are trying to do what we all do – connect with people in a way that is funny, friendly and non-threatening. Many of the homeless I know will laugh and use these sign ideas. Others will scream “You’re exploiting the homeless!!!” which is impossible since I’m not making any money off of this – it’s a free ebook and I urge people to donate to homeless organizations.

Part of being homeless – the worst part – is not the poverty. It’s having to deal with the perception that you’re not human, have no worth, and have nothing to offer. The fact is, if you take time and find a homeless person who you can relate to and listen to their story, chances are you can connect. This book, and the tips in it are funny because they demonstrate what Jack and I know makes humor humor – the juxtaposition of two unlikely, but related situations – the dissonance and incongruence is why we laugh.

I also wanted to explain that I write a strange blog – some helpful tips, some funny, some sad stories, some happy stories, some UFO and conspiracy questions and some stories about faith, friendship and the unlikely. I hope you find something you like here – and if you don’t, thanks for reading this far!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Pity works sometimes, but humor goes a lot farther in separating people from their money – especially if you’re homeless and desperate. There are dozens of great signs out there, but here are some great examples and some tips I’ve prepared so you each learn the secrets of some of the best headline writers I’ve seen in a while. I have been homeless (see my TED Global 2009 talk) and I can honestly say the homeless have some of the best sense of humor I’ve seen anywhere – and the best copywriting skills too!

If you want the FREE EBOOK (more photos) click here.CopywritingTips

* Invoke family to evoke warmth, sympathy and identification with your audience
* Be specific about your problem and your need
* Use an odd or unexpected number ($4)

* Invoke a fearful image and consequence to stir strong emotions in your audience
* Be specific about what you plan to do with any donations
* Share your vision

* Invoke the name of a celebrity someone with money might recognize
* Imply you know this famous person and have influence
* Babies – even the mention of them, often works as well as a photo of one
* Use a well-defined, highly visible “Buy” button or repository for money so your donor knows exactly where to contribute their donation

* Bonus for authenticity
* Medical research appeals to the generosity in socially conscious donors
* Give your donor a chance to be a part of something larger than themselves
* Appeal to causes that benefit humanity

* Never underestimate the power of popular culture
* Dress the part
* Make it easy for your potential audience to believe your claims
* The brilliance of this poster is that he appeals to the “insider” – to those who “grok” what it means to be a Jedi. He’s not begging, but he’s obviously in character, using his connection to “the force” to attract spare change. Appeal to the magic in your audience.

* Love cracks the hardest of hearts.
* Notice how the lettering subtly mimics the kind of lettering a kidnapper might use – some large, some small, all caps
* If in doubt your audience can read, add simple clues or symbols, like the arrows in between words, to help them understand the progression of your message
* Use color to reinforce the message – such as RED for danger, kidnapping, wife and GREEN for money. Note again the use of a unique number – .98 cents versus $1
* Take advantage of colored borders

* Be believable
* Challenge your audience to act
* If suggesting violence, dress the part to show you mean it
* Make your challenges achievable
* Keep the price of admission low
* Make the potential for success high

* Appeal to the technically gifted
* When going after high dollar donations, don’t limit yourself to a number
* Dress the part
* Identify yourself so others from your tribe (time traveler) recognize you
* Notice again how this savvy gent makes it very clear where donations are to go

* Challenge your buyer
* Smile a genuine smile
* One of the things this gentlemen is doing wrong is – where do you put your money? Do you really want to extend your hand with the bodyguard sitting next to him within reach?

* Dressing as an alcoholic Gandalf will appeal to more people than dressing as an alcoholic senior. Use costumes and theatre to distract your audience from the mundane obvious.
* Make sure your font fits your message and your brand – Wizardry, magic wooden staff and Warlock hat screams serif font to me.

I love the fable about the scorpion and the frog. If you haven’t heard it, it goes like this:

A frog was relaxing on the riverbank when a scorpion crawled up and asked him for a ride across the river.
“Please Mr. Frog, I’ll rest on your back and won’t weigh you down. Please give me a ride.”
The frog looks at him and says, “You’re a scorpion. Stinging is in your nature. You’ll sting me halfway across and we’ll both drown.”
The scorpion says, “Oh no, why would I do that? I would drown too. Of course I won’t sting you.”
He continues to whine and wheedle and the frog, against his better judgment, knowing what the scorpion’s nature is, but feeling like he should be nice, says, “Well, okay, just this once.”
So off they go. Halfway across the river the scorpion begins to sting the frog viciously, again and again.
The frog is shocked and as the poison seeps through his system and they begin to sink beneath the water he says, “But you promised you wouldn’t sting me. Now we’re both going to die!”
The scorpion shrugs and says, “I suppose we will. But what else could I do, it’s my nature.”

What never ceases to surprise me is how people, when faced with scorpions, trolls and hateful, abusive people continue to volunteer to take them across the river. They are what they are. Jesus Christ recognized them for what they were and publicly chastised them, letting everyone within earshot know exactly what He thought of them. He had nothing to do with them. He didn’t try to save them, rescue them, change them or redeem them. If they wanted to change themselves, He was open to it, but He didn’t waste his time. He wasn’t polite about it either.

A bully is a bully is a bully. A pedophile is a pedophile is a pedophile. A troll is a troll is a troll. They do what they do because it is in their nature. I’m all for being kind and understanding. But I’m also not stupid.

If you want to welcome a scorpion onto your back and swim them across the river because they’ve promised to be something they’re not, then you’re welcome to take your chances. I for one will sit on the riverbank and watch.

I’m the first to step up and admit I have a problem with homeless addicts – alcohol or drugs. I understand that many people suffer horrible things, rape, abuse, loss of a parent, partner or child etc. and they drink or drug to cope with the pain. I get that. Food is my addiction. I would probably be an addict myself if I hadn’t seen how it destroyed my family and how it impacted me. I made a conscious choice NOT to drink or drug for that reason. But I didn’t realize food could be just as addicting. It’s not the substance, it’s what we do with it – use it to stuff feelings, to sooth emotional pain, and to escape reality.

Addiction is a symptom of pain. But I always told myself that alcohol and drugs change a person’s brain chemistry in a way food doesn’t. People don’t usually eat a gallon of ice cream and get in the car and kill people driving impaired. They don’t go from nice guy to raging, mean drunk. Food addicts don’t rape, murder and abuse people to get money for a candy bar – or if they are/do – it’s not the norm. If you’re a food addict, you don’t get moved to the front of the line for services because people feel sorry for you. People who understand alcohol and drug addiction are a disease, but insist food is a matter of will-power, and that makes me mad.

When I was homeless in 2006, the idea that I was working, struggling and denied help because was not an alcoholic and NOT drinking or drugging really pissed me off when I was trying to find help. I was denied housing services because I wasn’t an addict and that made no sense. While I was looking for help with housing a Native American Man, well-dressed, intelligent and articulate bragged about being able to scam the system and get a FREE apartment, courtesy of the tax-payer, so he could “sit around and drink and play cards all day.” He admitted he was an alcoholic. And he bragged about stealing from the system. All he had to do, he explained, was to lie and tell the social worker he was “depressed and had PTSD.” While I watched, he got an apartment and I didn’t. I was working full-time, making an effort and he just wanted to drink and play. I had a very hard time with that. Was that the addiction or his character? It didn’t matter. It wasn’t right. It violated my sense of fair play, of reward for work. I was feeling like the brother of the prodigal son. “I did everything expected, but everyone was killing the fatted calf for the son that blew his inheritance on hookers, drugs and wine.”

I was raised with alcoholic uncles and relatives and 100% of the alcoholics I have been intimately involved with, lived with or knew, or interacted with over business acted just like alcoholics do – they lied to me, stole from me, abused me, and cheated on me. They raped or molested me, and did the same to others. They were pedophiles and monsters. There is no love lost between me and the active alcoholics or drug addicts in my childhood and college years. They don’t recognize boundaries. They lie. They rage. They can’t be trusted. They let me down. They push all my buttons.

That’s my stuff. I suffered, as do millions, with the actions and lies of loved ones who allow alcohol or drugs to rule their lives. Go to any Al-Anon meeting and you will hear the pain of others who feel the same. We love them, we hate the disease. But stick around long enough and we see them AS the disease. I know addicts are people in pain. I get that. I do. Millions of people feel the same way I do – and don’t say anything. It’s not politically correct. So I’m saying it so we can move on. People don’t like addicts. They think they are less deserving, less than, undeserving – inhuman. A lot of people feel that way about people who are poor, homeless, or obese, or ugly, black, female, mentally disabled – name a group and someone believes they are “less than.” It’s a hard place for me to be. I’m no better than anyone who hates Jews, or Blacks, or Republicans or Liberals. It’s hard isn’t it? To judge others? Be we do. We find someone worse off than us and find a reason to judge them.

I know alcoholics and drug addicts – most of them, don’t want to be addicted to alcohol and drugs any more than I want to be addicted to sugar or food. None of us want to feel the pain that food, alcohol and drugs help us subdue or ease. None of us want to feel the guilt, shame, embarrassment or disgust we feel at/with our addictions. Society has a lot of issues with addicts – particularly homeless ones, or mentally ill ones.

So when I heard about “Housing first,” I balked. Housing first is a policy that believes alcoholics and addicts deserve housing before they get clean and sober. Most programs require the addict to get sober FIRST – before getting housing. The program houses addicts, lets them continue to drink, drug and do whatever while they’re living in free housing. The belief is that this (1) saves lives (2) provides an environment where the addict can get clean and sober. Most homeless addicts will generally decide to get clean and sober after 90-days in free housing. Mark Horvath, a recovered addict himself, says this:

For those that don’t know what “housing first” is, it’s a model where housing is provided first in a recovery plan. The old model is a homeless person has to get sober — or their mental illness go away — before some form of housing is provided. If you think about that for a second you will realize how unpractical the old model is. It’s nearly impossible to get sober while going to the bathroom behind a dumpster day after day. And mental illness left unattended on the streets does not heal itself. People need dignity to heal and housing must be first.

I’m being honest here because as a Christian I parrot the mantra that NONE of us are worthy – not one, but I realized I didn’t/don’t believe that – not until this moment. Now I really get that I’m no better than a drunk in a gutter, or the drunken father who abused me. This raises all kinds of emotions for me. I’m forced, at this time of year (Christmas), to look at what I profess to be true – that NONE of us are better than any other – not the alcoholic or drug addict, not the food addict, not the businessman who puts money ahead of family or employees. Reading Mark’s post slapped me in my face with my hypocrisy. And it sucks. I hate to be wrong. And I was. So then I went on and read a story in a book a friend sent me today.

It’s a story about a young Native American whose tribe was wiped out in a battle. He escaped with his bow/arrows and his horse and wandered for days, hungry, lost and alone. He eventually found another tribe and went to the Chief. He asked if he could join that tribe. “Of course,” the Chief said. But first you must do one thing, find the poorest man in the village and give him your horse. The young warrior’s face fell. “I’m sorry, my horse is all I have,” he said. “I cannot do it.” And he walked away. The Chief’s aide asked, “Why did you want him to do that?” The Chief said, “I wanted him to learn he could become part of something larger than his own troubles. I have many horses and would have given him one of my own. I wanted to see if he could surrender some of his pain and make a sacrifice to help others. In these times we must all sacrifice to help the tribe.”

The young man’s problem was his selfishness, his fear, his lack of trust and willingness to belong to a larger group that needed his resources as much as he needed theirs. If he could have given up his horse, he would have been embraced by the tribe and been welcomed into a much bigger and richer life.

I feel like that now. The horse is a symbol for anything we hold onto, believing it will protect, save or define us. Can I give up my feelings and anger and hurt over my pain and my past and feelings about alcoholics and become part of a larger group and separate the disease from the person? Can I say, “I will surrender my pain to make a sacrifice to help others?” I’m sure as hell going to try. Housing First – I think the concept can heal more than those who are lucky enough to find housing, recovery and salvation through it. I plan to be one of them. I hope you do too.

You don’t have to embrace a religion. But I do ask you to explore your own bias’. It’s powerful stuff.

Mark, thanks for the inspiration. Christina, thanks for the book and the story. You guys rock!

If you think donating money to the Red Cross, dumping off your old, unwanted clothes at the Goodwill, or spooning out turkey and mashed potatoes at the local homeless shelter at Thanksgiving and Christmas is “doing good things” and makes you a “good person,” think again. You’re one of the MILLIONS of people who are just “phoning in” their charity. You have an excess and so you give, thinking you’ve really done something. You haven’t. You’re a fake if you think you’re really a “charitable” person.

The thing is, in a civil, compassionate society you SHOULD be donating blood, giving clothes, volunteering at the homeless shelter, sending money to victims of crime and natural disasters. That’s a given. It is the basic behavior of people who care in an advanced society. I suppose if you’re raised in a society that cheers and puts gold stars by your name on a chart somewhere every time you clean your plate, flush the toilet, get up and go to school or take out the trash, then yeah – you probably do expect the media to gather in your front yard every time you dump your old clothes at the Goodwill or Salvation Army so you don’t have to take them to the landfill or pay to dispose of them, or so you can get a hefty tax deduction for your “charity.”

Compassion, caring, truly making a difference – all that comes from getting involved with PEOPLE and giving when it’s not convenient, when it costs you something, when it’s difficult emotionally, financially, or physically.

I got a tweet from @carselau72 today. Members of the Mentor, Ohio community and Mentor High School are upset at media coverage about four student suicides in four years at Mentor High School. They’re upset the media doesn’t cover “good stuff” they do – like donating money to earthquake victims in Haiti or giving blood. They wonder why the media is calling their high school a “bunch of terrorists.”  They tell me the suicides aren’t the bully’s fault – that some of the victims had bad home lives. Yeah. That’s what I’d expect from those who contributed to the bullying by not getting involved.

On Oct. 8 a news story ran that said:

MENTOR OHIO (Oct. 8, 2010) – Sladjana Vidovic’s body lay in an open casket, dressed in the sparkly pink dress she had planned to wear to the prom. Days earlier, she had tied one end of a rope around her neck and the other around a bed post before jumping out her bedroom window.

It was the fourth time in little more than two years that a bullied high school student in this small Cleveland suburb on Lake Erie died by his or her own hand – three suicides, one overdose of antidepressants. One was bullied for being gay, another for having a learning disability, another for being a boy who happened to like wearing pink.

Citizens and students from Mentor are upset – not at the suicides, or the bullies, but at the media coverage that is exposing their school and community to the ugly truth that Mentor is phoning in their charity. They’re upset that the media doesn’t write about the “good” stuff they do. This post is in response to that attitude.  I’m a journalist – have been for more than 23 years. Here’s a brief lesson in media coverage Mentor, Ohio:

The media writes about things that are OUT OF THE ORDINARY. They write about the remarkable, the unexpected, about people who go far above and beyond what is expected in a civil society. If you literally risk your life running into a burning building to save a child, yeah, you’ll get media attention. If you bake cookies for homeless children at Christmas – not so much – unless it’s a slow news day and the editor needs a Christmas story.

Don’t fool yourself. Just because you give blood, volunteer at a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving or buy a child a toy at Christmas or donate money to any local cause – you are not a hero. You are a responsible human being. If you create a website, recruit therapists, lawyers and counselors and speak to the school board in an ongoing effort to stop bullying, to support victims, to educate peers and parents – THAT is newsworthy. THAT is positive action and a “good” story the media wants to report on. Not doing that? Then you’re not a hero. You don’t get recognition for doing what is expected. That’s life. That’s what it means to be an adult.

You are not a hero if you’re doing what decent human beings do as a matter of course. We should be feeding the poor, clothing the homeless, caring for the sick, praying for our soldiers. We should be standing up to bullies. We should be defending the defenseless. We should be speaking up. We should be objecting to people who abuse others. If you can’t be a decent human being you have no foundation to build being a hero on.

If you want media coverage then do something remarkable. Stop bullying. Institute a zero tolerance policy for bullying. Start collecting money to pay therapists – real ones who have experience counseling bullies, not interns from your local community college who are still playing at being therapists. We’re talking kid’s lives here. Get experts in.

Prosecute the bullies. Pass some laws with real teeth in them. Start a buddy system to HELP students, not ignore them.  Whoever called Jana “Slutty Jana” and threw food at her is a sick, demented, sorry, human being with mental health issues. Jana obviously was intelligent, talented and popular. Bullies like to attack those better than they are because they don’t have the brains, talent or heart to be half the person their victim is.

Mentor High School? Mentor Ohio? This is a wake-up call. Are you going to continue to “See no evil”? Or,  are you going to respond and take action, apologize for your lack of actions and compassion? Or are you going to be in the news again for your annual suicide?

I am glad, in an odd way at the turn of events because for the past season she’s been afraid of Owen Hunt, her now husband, then boyfriend who is a doctor who developed PTSD in Iraq. She didn’t understand his panic attacks, his anger, his nightmares and his reluctance to get close to anyone. Now she does. I’m glad that she understands. I’m glad that she can finally understand the devastation PTSD can bring to one’s life. I’m glad that viewers will see too what PTSD is, and how to cope with it. I hope the show’s writers really study and explore the problem and its real life solutions and don’t fall into the “Just suck it up and deal with it!” advice so many clueless morons offer.

I have PTSD. It comes from both experiencing life threatening trauma, and photographing it as a journalist. The fall is my trigger. It’s peak season for me for not feeling safe. It means I don’t get much done. I stay inside, away from people. I either spend a lot of time cleaning, exercising and working an insane schedule in order to exhaust myself so I don’t have nightmares, or I give up from the exhaustion the stress brings, and sleep for 20 hours a day. Medication isn’t an option. Doctors, for the most part, don’t believe in PTSD and see any cry for help as “drug seeking behavior.” May they all rot in hell. Finding a doctor who understands PTSD and is willing to work with you is impossible – and not having medical insurance is a double whammy. Fortunately by the end of November it passes and I get my life back. It’s not nearly as severe as it once was, but it’s still stressful. In my youth I merely climbed on a motorcycle, into a raft, or found some risk-taking behavior to use to burn off the adrenaline and it felt fun – not scary. Now I turn to the treadmill or lifting weights – or sleep.

There’s not much that will trigger my anger in person since I’ve worked so hard to learn to contain and redirect it over the years. However, stupidity on the internet is very likely to draw a scathing comment and written attack from me on a forum, usually in response to a troll. I’m learning not to feed them, but sometimes I forget.

How does a journalist develop PTSD? Well, as a journalist for 23 years I shot most of my own photos. The last year I was in journalism I shot, in a little over a month, about 15 traumatic stories. There were the photos of a family who had all been ejected from a car roll over. The father clung to the feet of his teenage son and screamed “Don’t die,” while a passerby did CPR on a boy whose brains were leaking out of his head. He died. I photographed the scene. There was the elderly couple who burned alive in a late night house fire less than 72 hours after celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. I sat in the mud in the front yard and held their adult grandson as he sobbed, their bodies less than 50 feet away, under a sheet. Then there was the woman who set herself on fire with kerosene because her boyfriend kicked her out so he could shack up with someone else. She had been a nurse until she hurt her back and couldn’t work anymore. She was alive and her body was still smoking and the flesh was falling off her body as firefighters carried her from the building.

There was a gang shooting in a small park. I arrived to police searching the park with drawn weapons and bodies being loaded into ambulances. Then there was the woman crossing the highway vs car incident. The car won. The bloody evidence and bowels of the victim were evident for about 20 to 30 feet along the asphalt. There are hundreds of such scenes I remember and wish I didn’t…from shoveling brains up with a shovel (thank you rescue squad), to looking for body parts along the track after a train wreck, the shock of violence seeps in in a myriad of ways.

Life is fragile. When we “get it” that there’s not much keeping us here, life gets scary. When I look back at my life as a child and realize how close I came to dying at my parent’s hands I get scared. I don’t believe that people are safe. I know we aren’t. I know a natural disaster, a crazy gunman, an out of control DUI, almost anything really – can take us out in an instant. Maybe it was my short stint as a cop, or on the rescue squad, or as a photojournalist that re-enforced that belief. I don’t know. But it’s in my bones now.

I won’t get into trauma and PTSD and how it happens, what it is or the science of it. What matters is what it does to its victims. One of the most unsettling symptoms of PTSD is anger. People with PTSD get angry because anger is a large part of a survivor’s response to trauma because anger is the “gift” of the dragon brain. It is a core piece of the survival response in human beings. Anger helps us cope with life’s stresses by giving us energy to keep going in the face of trouble or blocks. If a person is traumatized from a young age – before they learn any other coping mechanism – anger is how they respond to everything forever after – unless they learn and practice a different way of coping.

Anger is adrenaline plus a powerful mix of neurotransmitters. Anger is the chemical cocktail our amygdala serves up to fuel us in times of danger. There is a greater need to control your surroundings in order not to feel threatened or in danger again. In environments where that response is needed – it saves our lives. If we leave the environment our outer circumstances change, but our internal ones don’t – not without a conscious effort to change them.

In men anger is often directed outward at others. In women it’s directed inwards – resulting in depression. According to the National Center for PTSD:

“One way of thinking is that high levels of anger are related to a natural survival instinct. When faced with extreme threat, people often respond with anger. Anger can help a person survive by shifting his or her focus. The person focuses all of his or her attention, thought, and action toward survival.

Anger is also a common response to events that seem unfair or in which you have been made a victim. Research shows that anger can be especially common if you have been betrayed by others. This may be most often seen in cases of trauma that involve exploitation or violence.”

Most people don’t deal well with anger in others. They don’t want to see it, hear it, understand it or deal with it. They just want everything and everyone to “be happy.” Unfortunately that attitude makes life worse for someone with PTSD. I watched Grey’s Anatomy last year and felt deep pain for the character of Dr. Owen Hunt, who was a former military surgeon. He struggled with his PTSD and with the confusion and annoyance of his co-workers who didn’t understand it. This season most of the doctors and nurse are suffering from PTSD because of the gunman episode from last year. I’m hoping that the show will reach the millions of people who don’t understand PTSD, or how it affects those of us who suffer from it. It can be cured – in time, with lots of support and understanding.

I’ve worked on my own temper for decades. My tendency to snap at people who I believe are hurting others, or bullying, or doing things that would cause harm has been funneled into sharp written or verbal reactions. I am quick to defend the underdog, verbally attack a bully, or rush to the side of victims. It’s a struggle to remember that most of the people who hurt me can’t hurt me any more. It’s ongoing, but I know there’s hope. If I seem curt, mean or express more anger and outrage at abuse than most from time to time – now you know why. I pray you never encounter anything in life that will cause you to develop PTSD, and I hope you will take time to understand what it means really. It means someone was deeply hurt, is still hurting, and is struggling to find the peace and safety that those around them take for granted.

Some of the things that can cause PTSD:

Rape, combat, watching someone die a violent death, being beaten, sexual abuse, domestic violence, a car crash, a natural disaster, medical procedures, surgery, earthquakes, fire, floods, terrorism, kidnapping, bullying, being mugged or robbed.

You don’t have to experience the event – merely watching or being present can cause many people to develop PTSD. Most people who have it don’t realize they have it. Life just slowly gets really sucky. Friends and family can be a tremendous help if they understand PTSD and if they are patient. For more tips on what you can do and more about PTSD, check out THIS.

It’s not hopeless. Those with PTSD can change with the proper diagnosis and awareness. Learn about it. With love, patience and good communication skills you CAN restore relationships damaged by PTSD, and if you have PTSD? There is DEFINITELY hope.