As part of a FREE ebook I’m writing for the homeless on money matters, and on starting a simple street business to get off the street, etc. I’m reviewing debit and bank cards, an alternative to a bank account for people who are homeless or marginally employed.

The number one problem with those who don’t have money or a steady income is they have to pay 10 times more to get the same services that people with credit and money take for granted. Think “Rent to Own,” and “Pawn Shop Loans” and all the other scams and businesses out there charging people 20-40 percent interest or at least bogus rates and fees so high they might as well be interest.

Debit cards are part of this gold rush to rape the poor. That’s a fact of life. If you can’t or won’t handle or manage money responsibly, you pay for it, literally. We get it. But of all the charges and fees of all the debit cards I’ve looked at so far, I have to say, this one COULD be the best, and let me EMPHASIZE

COULD BE.

Because the ApprovedCard.com web site is so buggy I had to request my password and user name several times. Each time I tried to use the names they were rejected. Finally the site locked my attempts  to protect my account security. Fine. Then I called the toll free number to get help with that and was told that it would cost me $2 to speak with a live person. $2??!!

Really? It costs me $2 to talk to someone in customer service
about YOUR product, a product that DOESN’T WORK?

While Suze does a better job than most debit card companies of hiding her $2 charges among some very well-written marketing material I confess, I did not see this $2 for customer service calls fee anywhere before signing up. I’m still looking though.

I want to remind you all that Suze and Oprah BOTH believe that people who don’t pay their bills on time, have money problems and are irresponsible with money are losers and crack heads and bad, evil people. That said, Suze doesn’t mind getting a piece of your financial action because, as we all know rich people think it’s okay to rape poor people just like guys think it’s okay to rape women who have an active sexual life. I’m not the only one who finds her self-righteousness about money annoying. Yes. People make poor decisions, or life hits them hard. That doesn’t make them bad people, just people with poor money skills.

Just for the record? NetSpend, Green Dot and almost every other debit card I’ve reviewed charges NOTHING to talk to a live person. Talk is FREE. They may charge .50 CENTS to get your balance via the phone. NO ONE ELSE charges you to talk to customer service.

Things I LIKE about The Approved Card:

Marketing: Suze didn’t skimp on any money when it came to designing the ads, the site and doing the copywriting! Wow. Lots of purple and orange — happy vibrant colors that appeal to low income people and teenagers (not my opinion, studies show that). Orange also stimulates our appetites and urges us to “Take action NOW!!” which is why so many fast food places are decorated in orange and yellow…think McDonalds, Burger King…. Lots of pictures of Suze smiling and looking rich and happy and wearing a blue shirt — the color blue evokes TRUST, so good move there.

The website is amazing!!! I felt like Dorothy met Alice and the Cheshire cat doped their lemonaide and took them on a hallucinogenic spin on the Internet! Wow! It was like candy! I was salivating at the colors! EXCELLENT!! Kudos to baiting the hook so beautifully! You sucked me in in a heart beat!

The body language, arms across her chest and her head turned to one side or the other says “No,” when the message says “Yes,” and the arms and palm position screams defensiveness…either that or she’s hiding her chest….Fake smile. There’s no crow’s feet wrinkles at the eyes…so, not crazy about that.

Emergency Fund Accounts: You can actually do more than move money around online. Suze was savvy enough to set up the card so you have up to 4 or 5 funds, or savings accounts with your card. This allows you to create an emergency fund, save for a car, set aside your rent or whatever you want to do with it. The money is not touched or transferred unless you go in and do that. It’s a great way to keep your money safe, and to not spend it without making some effort to do so. LOVE that feature. I can’t tell if you’re charged for those funds — like a maintenance fee etc — because I can’t get into the buggy site and I refuse to pay $2 to talk to a customer service rep to get them to unlock the account. That’s insanity on a stick. What was she thinking???!!!

Credit Bureau Reporting: This one is both a pro and a con. It’s a pro because ultimately it COULD give you a way to fix your credit by having the debit card report when you pay certain bills on time. Right now the card doesn’t do this, although you can opt in to an anonymous program (beta testing I’m guessing) until they do offer that. There is NO incentive (like they waive your monthly fees) to participate in this program, so I advise you NOT to. There’s just not enough information and there’s no benefit to you the user. If Suze is going to charge you $2 to talk to a customer service rep, why would you want her to benefit from your data if she’s not willing to pay you or give YOU some financial love in return eh? Just saying. If the site is buggy now, there’s no telling how buggy the reporting process is. Use caution.

Consumer Services: There are actually some tools, calculators and other stuff on the site, in your account, that COULD (if you can log in) help you learn to manage your money better. I’m wondering why Dave Ramsey isn’t all over this concept and doing his own debit card. Dave, charge a flat yearly fee for the card and link it to your Financial Peace University and all your other tools, tips and tricks. Awesome dude! It would SO rock!! I’d tell you MORE about all the cool features on Suze’s site, BUT I CAN’T log in and I refuse to pay $2 to talk to someone whose product I own is broken.

Things I HATE about The Approved Card:

Start Shopping NOW!: WTF?! You want people to save money and then you have a direct link to places they can SHOP AND SPEND??! ARE YOU NUTS?!!? Of course there’s the thoughtful, “Look, but don’t buy if you can’t afford it, promise me you’ll be good girls and boys,” but damn! You KNOW that you are tempting people and that is just evil. I’m sorry, but Bloomingdales, Lancombe ($75 makeup), and all the priciest places on the Internet? That’s not “discount” shopping! That’s like waving a lifetime of free liquor offer in front of alcoholics and saying, “Now don’t drink if you can’t handle it.”

$2 Fee for Talking to Customer Service: Well, if you’ve read this far you already know the number one thing I hate! I hate that damn $2 customer service fee. If the fee is because you’re checking your balance, then SAY SO! Don’t just tell people it’s $2 to talk to a live representative.

$2 Fee if You Don’t Enroll in Direct Deposit: Suze, girlfriend, not every company HAS direct deposit. Many of us are freelancers, business owners, new business owners etc. and we have customers and clients that work with us once or twice and pay cash, or by check, or Paypal or some other way. Maybe if you were nice to the folks over at Paypal they’d do something for you, but probably not. Paypal has their own debit card thing happening and it ROCKS. Love Paypal!

Not a Beginner Money Card: I say this because if you’re new to the world of debit cards and you can’t or don’t manage your money well, you are SCREWED. There’s a fee and a charge around every bend to take advantage of you if you’re illiterate, don’t read all the fine print and don’t understand how to use their rules to save YOUR money. A $2 fee here, a $2 fee there, maintenance fees, ATM fees, fees for not signing up for direct deposit, a  monthly fee, A $2 FEE FOR CALLING FREAKING CUSTOMER SERVICE!!! and pretty soon you’re spending $30 of the $50 you deposited in your account, just to pay the fees. DO NOT GET THIS CARD unless you read ALL the fine print. All debit cards have fees and charges, but the wording and copy writing on this makes it more confusing than most.

If you want to get a Debit card you can reload and not have to venture into the part of town where all the Pawn Shops and liquor stores and drug-dealers hang out, the best card out there is a Walmart Money card. It’s the cheapest to reload ($3 at any Walmart). So, you save gas — no extra trips to a bank, or Western Union or someplace JUST to put money on your card. You already shop at Walmart — or sleep in the parking lot if you’re homeless, so it’s a no-brainer.

You also don’t have to drive to a neighboring town to find that special store to load your card since many debit cards don’t offer easy loading. You don’t have to drive all over town looking for a CVS (Greendot and Netspend) to reload your card only to find out the clerk has NO idea what you’re talking about, or tries to sell you another card rather than load your current card (been there, done that) and then charges you $5 to put $20 on your card.

If you cash your paycheck at Walmart you can add the money to your card for FREE! Yeah. If you get paid weekly, then that’s $12 to  $20 you SAVE by not having to pay to load money on your card. You can also get Direct Deposit on your Walmart card.

The silhouette is familiar because I’ve seen it a thousand times. I’ve seen it a thousand times because the Rabbi is a friend and a client of mine. I edit his weekly columns to make sure the commas are in the right places and there are no sentence fragments and that sort of thing. Then it goes back to the Rabbi and on to The Jerusalem Post, the world’s top English-language daily newspaper covering Israel, the Middle East and Jerusalem.

The Rabbi posted this photo to his Facebook page and tagged me in it. What delights me so much about this is that Rabbi Issamar is a Hasidic Jew with a genealogy that goes back to King David. We’re both devout followers of our respective faiths (I’m a Christian) who share a passion for G-d, even though we differ on the details we worship the same creator.

We have spent many an hour texting and emailing back and forth about our different faiths and I feel honored to learn what I have about the Jewish faith from him. He teaches with wisdom and humor and I hope I do the same.

But this isn’t a post about religion. It’s about how people. It struck me just how computers and the Internet have shrunk the world. The fact that I can read, edit and send an email to a Rabbi in Jerusalem, where it’s printed and sold the next day to someone who then sits on an airplane flying from Jerusalem to New York. The person is not only reading the column but happens to be reading that page at the same time the Rabbi, who  also happens to be on that plane, sees it and snaps a photo. He then posts it to Facebook where, from where I am in Virgina can see and share it. Small world indeed.

I take great delight in these moments because it reminds me that we all inhabit a miraculous world. It also reminds me of Jacqueline Novogratz and her stunning story (and book) about “The Blue Sweater.” Her story is infinitely more astounding, but both stories remind me too of how interconnected we all are.

The whole “Six degrees of Kevin Bacon” theory, which is sort of an offshoot of the Small World and “Six degrees of Separation” theory about the average path length of social media networks in the United States.

If the world is as small as so much research shows, it makes sense to consider the implications of our words and actions on our own lives. Because if the theories hold true, ultimately what we put out into the world does come back to us in some shape, form or fashion.

There are days I wake up and wonder how I got so lucky. They’re not all “Oprah or Dr. Phil level” famous, but they should be.

They’re just really, really, really wise people. Most of them blog and every once in a while, actually on a regular basis, they post information that rocks my world. Today one of them, Lorraine Esposito, (who I hired as my own coach last year) posted a “Tip of the Week” article today on guilt and expectations. It’s not long. It’s basic, but it launched me into my own self-examination process because it was so straightforward.

Maybe it’s just me, just the timing, just what I  needed to hear right now, but I thought it was a great post. You can read it yourself here: http://peacemaker-coach.com/Tip-of-the-Week.html.

She’s talking about how we feel guilt when we don’t meet other people’s expectations. Sound familiar? I tied myself in knots and laid in bed and cried all month from the guilt I felt over having pneumonia (out of my control) and not being able to work most of the month.

Each time I started to feel a little better I’d work, relapse and collapse. I was so frustrated. Then I said, “No more. My health is more important than work.” I may have lost some clients, but I really don’t care. I’m more important….if I don’t take care of me I’ll never be able to work. So this was SOOOOOO timely. Here’s a sample. Lorraine writes:

The Problem: Too many people live in a state of conflict. The conflict?:

Other People’s Values (expectations) vs. Their OWN Values (standards).

A few examples of conflict:

• Spending money on yourself when others expect your charity, generosity, abstinence, etc.

• Spending time on yourself when other expect sacrifice, service, help, etc.

• Saying ‘no’ when others expect you to say ‘yes’

• Needing help to satisfy personal needs–even basic ones like food, love, attention, respect–when others expect you to be a bootstrapper

I felt definite conflict when I was sick and had commitments to friends and clients. Friends (for the most part) understood and wished me well and graciously went on without me. Clients, not so much. That’s where I struggled.

I made the commitment and needed and wanted to honor it, but how to do that when I’m spending most of my day wondering whether to go the emergency room because I can barely breathe? Reading her post woke me up. I had no standards and scrambled to meet other people’s expectations without even trying to renegotiate them based on an unforeseen and unavoidable conflict.

2012 is my year to keep affirming my boundaries, but also to start creating standards and expectations! Join me. Make your own list of standards and expectations. See if it changes your life.

I’ve noticed that people really love setting and enforcing their own boundaries, but when someone else’s boundaries conflict with theirs, they go ballistic. They either accuse the other person of trying to manipulate them, or they try to manipulate the other.

Case in point:

Last fall a friend of mine asked me to house-sit for her for a week. She lives about two hours away, a long drive. Her only request was, “No dogs.” I thought about it and said, “Oh. Well then I can’t do it.” You see, I won’t leave my dog at home alone for a week and I’m not willing to put her in a kennel where she could contract Kennel Cough or some other disease so I can house-sit” Boundaries around how I treat my dog…

So I said, “No.” She was surprised, but I explained why I couldn’t accept. She smiled and said very sweetly, “Well, no dogs is just a boundary my husband and I have. They’re destructive and they smell.” I said, “I understand. Dogs can be destructive and they do smell. My dog is not destructive, but she’s old and yes, she smells. I won’t leave her alone or at a kennel and I have no one to take care of her for a week. So I guess we can’t house-sit for you.”

She looked confused and then shocked. “But it’s our boundary, and I’m just asking you to respect that.”

I nodded and smiled back just as sweetly. “I do respect it. I’m not telling you to change anything. I am telling you my boundaries count too. I don’t leave my dog at home alone or in a kennel. So I can’t accept.” She started to become really upset, even angry that I wouldn’t change my boundaries for how my dog is treated and what I will do with her, to accommodate her need for a house-sitter.

“Well, dogs are non-negotiable,” she said in a tone that told me her husband had made that very clear.

“I understand and respect that. But my boundary about my dog is non-negotiable too.”

“But where am I going to find a house sitter I trust?” she said. “You have to do it.” She was trying to make HER problem my problem. I wasn’t falling for it.

“Actually, no. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I’m willing to help you out, but only if you’ll flex on your boundary about dogs, but if you can’t, then I can’t sit for you. That’s pretty basic. I’m not willing to flex on the kennel thing because of the cost (she wouldn’t pay for it), or the health risk and the potential of losing my dog (who is old) to a disease so you can go on vacation for a week.”

This went on for about 20 minutes. She didn’t grasp the fact that other people (me) have boundaries that deserve respect too. She believed that her boundaries should be respected, and that the world should change to make sure that happened. She was very angry at the suggestion (and reality) that other people have boundaries and have the right to say no to things they don’t want to do, especially if it means not getting her way.

I started noticing that a lot of people act this way. They want to have, enforce and talk about their own boundaries, but are unwilling, even hostile about other people doing the same.

A woman I know who dropped a project we were working on together took off for two weeks, telling me she needed to take care of her health, and that her self-care was a non-negotiable boundary. I was fine with that and willing to reschedule. So I wished her well and rescheduled, even at some inconvenience for me.

Two months later when I had health and financial issues and needed to drop the project to take care of myself and my business, she wasn’t as accepting. It was okay for her to take care of herself, but when I did the same she told people I’d “dropped the ball,” or “bailed on her,” and generally trashed me for taking care of me. That told me right off the bat that in spite of her insistence that she was the “boundary queen” that she didn’t get the whole boundaries thing. She didn’t get it. She didn’t respect me or others with boundaries and wasn’t a safe person. Good thing I found out early in the project! She never once called, emailed or stopped by to check on me, even though she knew my history of fibro etc. going into the project.

There are dozens of examples I could give, but the point is, other people have boundaries too. If you want people to respect your boundaries, then respect theirs. Learn to accept people’s “No” or learn how to negotiate and communicate flexibility.

I recently learned that fatigue, joint pain, foggy brain, tiredness, muscle aches, and all these symptoms I’ve had are related to poor thyroid issues which are tied to stress, burnout and poor diet. I’m addicted to sodas and processed foods—both of which are like being addicted to poison actually—since that’s what they are.  After months and months and years and years of peeling back the onion I finally admitted that taking more supplements and vitamins is not going to fix my primary problem—the food and sugar I’m taking in.

So I did what any obsessive compulsive self-help junkie would do. I ordered a juicer. A Hamilton Beach BigMouth Juicer (yes, it’s an affiliate link). And I love it! I’m looking for a good book on juice recipes, but in the meantime, I’m experimenting—juicing one or two veggies and sipping the results. I’ve gotta admit, they ALL taste pretty darn good. The  next step is a juice fast, rest and recovering from pneumonia, which has knocked me out all month. I’ve literally only gotten out of bed for the most necessary of tasks (think bathroom, not cleaning) and to go to the doctor.

When I wasn’t doing anything else, which was most of the time, I threw impromptu pity parties. Easy to do since I was the only one invited and hey, I wasn’t doing anything else! I wallowed in the “why me?” for awhile. Then I got online and started digging for answers and found the world of juicers. I’d briefly thought about juicing before, but opted against it the three times friends made me carrot and apple, beet or carrot juice and I vomited 30 minutes afterward, then for the rest of the evening. I thought juicing and I didn’t work. Someone told me carrots, beets and some root veggies do that to people and to stick with fruit, celery and then try other things to see what stayed down.

I did it. And everything stayed down and even tasted great and I felt full. So I tried ONE carrot and boom! The nausea welled up and then passed. Now I know. Test all your veggies before guzzling them by the glassful! So now I’m juicing my meals.

I’ve also decided to start “juicing life,” and seeing each moment for what it is, not what it could be, or what I want it to be. I’m going to squeeze every drop out of every day, even if 18 hours of that day are spent in bed resting.

If this isn’t inspiring or educational, it’s not supposed to be. I just wanted to let you all know I’m still here and in “hibernation,” and “healing” mode. Thanks for reading!

If they look like real people and aren’t just a fake profile, I generally say yes. All I do on social media sites is vent, praise, be a cheerleader and a social butterfly anyway. I don’t share anything on line I wouldn’t say after I sung the national anthem at a football game. Still, I don’t want unsafe people privy to my personal conversations any more than you’d want some stranger obviously eavesdropping on your lunchtime chat with a co-worker. It just feels creepy. I can like you, but not be your friend.

The other person I say “No,” to is people I have a history with, unsafe people. People who have proven they will lie to me, and then lie to me about lying to me, and then lie to me about lying to me about lying to me. You know the type. Most of these are ex’s of some sort: ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-co-worker, ex-neighbor, ex-landlord, anyone who at one time was an acquaintance, friend, lover or in your life for some reason. Ex’s are ex’s for a reason and not all those reasons are good. While I maintain a civil, and sometimes even friendly acquaintance with them, as in I smile and chat with them in the grocery store if I should happen to run into them (Hi! How’re the kids? How’s work? How’s your parole officer?) that doesn’t mean I want to share the details of my life with them—even the inconsequential details.

I have a three lie rule. Lie to me once and you get my attention. Lie to me twice and I start looking for the door. Lie to me three times and I’m gone. I’m not talking about those, “I like your haircut,” when you really think it makes me look older; or the “This is a great dinner!” when you’re struggling to swallow whatever I just served. I’m talking about the “I did not have sex with that woman,” kind of Clintonesque lie. I’m talking about the lie that puts walls between us, the lies about your life, values or feelings that impact our relationship. I’m talking about the boyfriend who said, “I didn’t sleep with her,” when he did, then lied about it, then lied about lying about it. I’m talking about the co-worker who supports you to your face, then goes behind your back and lies about you to your boss.

If people can’t be honest about their feelings, thoughts and life with you there is no friendship. So while I might stop and exchange pleasantries or smile and wave “hello” to an old acquaintance in the supermarket just to be polite or because I can’t  avoid them, it doesn’t mean I want to friend them on Facebook.

If you have a clean slate with me, and an interesting history I can find online, I’m open to exploring and exchanging ideas. But if you’re someone from my past who has hurt me in any way, the door is closed. You had your chance(s) and blew it. Your bad. Have a nice life. Just don’t have it in my circles.

Are businesses really doing so well they no longer have to pay attention to customer service? Or have I just hit the jackpot of bad customer service experiences this month?

Frigidaire didn’t return phone calls or emails for more than a year. They didn’t bother to respond at all until I posted on their FaceBook page. A brand-new fridge died less than a year after I bought it AND leaked putty and chemicals the entire year prior to its dying.

PopUp Domination NEVER returned an email EVER. I spent a week emailing them daily, begging for help or tutorials, while also surfing and posting on forums where I learned dozens of other people struggled with the plugin as well. Mail Chimp responded. They couldn’t help, but they responded!

When I finally contacted ClickBank to complain about the guy who is raking in money for the worst plug-in on the market (Pop Up Domination), ONLY THEN did he respond, and only with a one-liner—”Contact clickbank for a refund.” I can’t tell if the hack attack shortly after that was from him or coincidental. That led to trying to restore my files with Carbonite – who has been a POOR responder when I emailed about issues with the backups failing, or my getting ongoing notices that no backups were occurring. But it didn’t really, really get bad until I tried to restore my files.

Carbonite now weighs in as having the worst all-time customer service of any business I’ve encountered. When the general counsel for the company is the one calling to arrange things so I get my files back there’s just something wrong with that picture. And it’s not just me. THOUSANDS of others have complained and/or lost files and everyone from CNET to the Wall Street Journal have called them “sleazy” or liars. But why? It’s not like these customers don’t know better! They DO! How could they not? They’ve been ripped in the media

On the other hand, Domino’s Pizza is rocking it-best customer service and consistently excellent. The vendors I deal with regularly (for a reason) are also hitting their marks. I consistently exceed my client’s expectations.

I encounter, and praise and write the companies whose employees DO rock customer service every day. It must be the full moon, or something the government is spraying because from Joe Paterno, Jerry Sandusky and Penn State’s ignoring the rape of 10-year old boys for 20 years and even GIVING the boys to rich donors and boosters to rape!! the world is out of control.

Even Diane Sawyer, who  I used to admire as a journalist, was clueless enough to giggle and ask an ESPN journalist how NOT letting Joe Paterno finish out his season would really help the victims of Sandusky’s rapes. Only a moron would ask such a stupid question. She’s a seasoned journalist. She should know better. For a victim to see that those in authority DID truly grasp the horror of the situation enough to IMMEDIATELY FIRE everyone was the best thing that could ever happen to boost their spirits and give them hope. For her not to see that tells me she’s a media whore on the Corporate media coverup payroll, or she is totally out of touch with reality.

If you’re tolerating and not speaking up, not letting your voice be heard, you’re teaching corporations that they can get away with their lousy service.  DON’T LET THEM.  Speak up, speak out.

I’m finally feeling hope again after the rush of outpouring of anger and calls for Joe Paterno’s firing. If you don’t read or follow the news you may have missed the Grand Jury charges of 40+ counts of child sexual abuse against at least 8 children by former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky. More victims are coming forward, making the count as high as 17, although the average pedophile is believed to molest hundreds of children in their lifetime. Penn State Athletics director Tim Curley and senior vice president Gary Schultz also were arrested on charges of perjury and failing to report what they knew about Sandusky’s abuse. There’s a long chain of men who failed—proof that Penn State talks the talk, but doesn’t walk the walk when it comes to ethics and honor. Once again, the outside looks great, but the core is rotten.

What gives me hope is that the instant the news broke the reaction was immediate. No one waited to see what might happen, or what the media would say. They reacted out of moral outrage and horror—as they should have and as Penn State’s Head Football Coach Joe Paterno FAILED to do when he was told nine years ago his assistant coach was sodomizing a 10-year old boy in the Penn State showers. Joe Paterno did what he was supposed to do, but he didn’t do the right thing. He told the Athletic Director what had been reported to him by an eye-witness, then he kept his mouth shut. Millions of Americans recognized what one of the supposedly best coaches in America didn’t, that DOING THE RIGHT THING requires moral action as well as following university policy. It didn’t help that Graham Spanier, the LOSINGEST University President in the history of the WORLD used his power and influence to keep Joe from speaking out. That is what is so disgusting—that people in a position to effect change, don’t, because of their fear of how it will make them LOOK. My mother did that, looked the other way. So did friends and neighbors. No one wanted to look at it, or even think about it, let alone talk about it. My mother said, when Pastor William “Bill” Mounts of Second Presbyterian Church in Knoxville, TN was found in his underwear surrounded by naked boys that, “It would be too embarrassing to say anything.” Mounts was simply forced out of the church, much like the Catholics do with their priests, covering up, alluding, giving excuses and letting him become someone else’s problem while the boys he molested (I know them and have heard their stories of being plied with pot and pills and allowed to drive his Jag) go on to lead lonely miserable lives.

Penn State had the university’s “best image” in mind, not the lives of children present on their campus. Penn State was more worried obviously about how an investigation could tarnish their image, not about how being  sodomized by a grown man would ruin a 10-year old boy’s life. Penn State is no more a school of moral strength or conviction than Jerry Sandusky, pedophile, is a man of compassion. Penn State is only as strong as its weakest moral link and that link is Jerry Sandusky.

As someone whose life was ruined by pedophiles I can tell you that they don’t just hurt you physically, they kill your soul. They murder your innocence, they steal your life.  No amount of money can replace what Joe Paterno, Jerry Sandusky and the administrators of Penn State STOLE from those children and the public recognizes that. I only hope that everyone charged is convicted and that they all go to a general population prison where they will have to worry about what happens to them in the shower. Then, and ONLY then, will they finally understand even a little, what they did to the boys they betrayed.

I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced the violation can ever imagine the rage, the anguish and the pain of that depth of betrayal of a child. To think that a man let his career stand in the way of the lives of dozens of boys when his supposed life was about molding and mentoring young men staggers my mind. If Joe Paterno and his son Scott defend his decisions then they are, in effect, saying if Scott’s three children had been sodomized in a shower by a grown man who pinned them against a cold tile wall and forced himself on them then threatened them, that Joe and Scott would “be okay” with that. If that’s the case, then I fear for the Paternos children and grandchildren and everyone who comes in contact with them. Graham Spanier is obviously a sociopath and will burn in hell. I’m sure Satan has a place reserved for him right next to Jerry Sandusky, whom child advocates are all praying for—praying that he kills himself while out on bail.

Is this a strong post? You bet it is. If if scares you, imagine what you  might have felt had you been that naked, defenseless, frightened child, betrayed and lied to by someone you thought was there to protect and save you. You’ve not only lost your parents and been orphaned, but now your so-called rescuer is raping you? There is no hell hot enough for pedophiles and certainly not for those who cover for them.

When Joe Paterno is gone they will NOT write about him that he made Penn State a better place OR that he was a football coach. They will write, “He failed in his moral obligation as a father, a coach, a human being and a leader.”

So I emailed Jodi Kaplan, someone I know from a social media group I belong to. I got the awesome-est answer from her. Jodi owns Kaplan Copy in NYC. Forget all you’ve heard about brusk New Yorkers. Jodi’s friendly as any any southerner I’ve ever known! She has been consistently helpful, knowledgeable and brilliant for years, not just to me, but to hundreds of folks. She speaks geek, but understands dummies too. I asked her what model or brand of external hard drive to buy and pissed and moaned about backing up files. She listened and she said:

An Iomega Prestige 1TB. I think there’s a newer model now.

Look for a longer warranty (over a year), and beware of junk software a lot of manufacturers add. You don’t need their backup, or their Windows anti-virus, and that stuff takes up space.

(If Time Machine doesn’t pop up, go to Apple Menu >System Preferences >Time Machine and slide the switch to ON. Then keep going as above.)

* * * * *

Wow! Is that not great stuff to know? I didn’t even know I didn’t know all that! All she HAD to really do was tell me what model/brand. But she went ABOVE and BEYOND! Like she always does. She volunteered it because it would be helpful to know. She does this with ALL her clients, friends and social network folks. The stuff you pay for from her is even better! If you get a chance, go to her website, http://kaplancopy.com, and sign up for her newsletter – also filled with great stuff. She doesn’t know I’m promoting her, and there are no affiliate links in this post. Jodi just rocks. Plain and simple. She’s excellent at what she does. And today, when everything is going wrong, Jodi is the only thing going right.

If you’re the person who wants out, make that clear. Don’t just disappear. After months of tolerating disrespect, abuse and people taking us for granted our tendency is still one of feeling guilty for walking away. It’s NOT your fault! Tell the person “This isn’t working for me and I’m leaving. I don’t want to engage with you any more, so please don’t contact me.” End it.

“No, I don’t want to be your friend/business partner/buddy/sidekick,” means, “I want nothing to do with you. I don’t want to respond to your emails, phone calls or letters, so I’m not and I won’t, no matter how many you send or make. I don’t want to waste time arguing with you because I know you’re really just feeding your drama addiction and have no desire to change, apologize, move on or get help.”

When given the chance to engage, talk, work out things, share, debate, relate and be engaged in the relationship prior to your decision to leave, chances were your abuser wasn’t interested. They kept being abusive. If they could have changed, they would have. Change doesn’t happen overnight. If they get help and spend 2-6 years in hard, dedicated therapy, they could change. But let them do it. In the meantime, get on with your life. It’s passing. Every minute spent feeling guilt, loss, regret or sadness over leaving is a minute you don’t have to spend feeling joy, happiness and wonder at the people who could be in your life loving and appreciating you.

Narcissists, passive-aggressives, bullies, butt-heads and bad bosses are poison. Quit ingesting their toxic energy. Say “No.” Leave. And having left, don’t look back. SO much more awaits you down the road. If you feel sorry for them (and yes, they are pathetic), then realize that your leaving may be the straw that kicks them in the teeth and shows them that they can’t keep acting like they do and keep generous, loving people like you in their lives for any length of time. Your leaving may be the thing that saves them. Then again, they may never get it. And if they don’t, you’re better off for having left when you did.

Don’t believe just me. Dr. Henry Cloud has an awesome book called: Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward. He outlines and explains why endings are good things. Without those “necessary endings” we’d all be still crawling on all fours, married to the first person we dated and driving the first car we bought. Read the book if you’re having trouble leaving that toxic relationship. If you are the toxin, read it too. It may be time to get help.

That’s the point of the emails as well – to get people to see there is something to be grateful for in everything around us. I consider it God’s gift to me that I get jobs like this. While looking for photos to illustrate the newsletter I found this one and it got me to thinking about the impact I’m leaving on this world. There are two kinds of impact we leave: The public persona and the private persona.

The Public Persona:

Our public footprint is the one the media and the public shows or sees. For some of us it’s front page coverage and thousands of attendees at our funeral and then the dark humor circuits among the late night talk show comedians. Then the fame fades and other than a few references on the anniversary of our death or whatever made us so well known, our name fades into obscurity until a decade or two or three later most people have no idea who we were. Our name might end up on a building, or as the name of a baseball field. And people, even if they recognize the name, like Hitler, or even Jesus Christ, often don’t really know what the person was about. They know only the image the press has perpetuated or the stereotype. You aren’t ever really known. That  feels awfully lonely to me.

Private Persona:

Then there’s the one-on-one impact. There are the lives we’ve touched, changed, inspired or comforted. An act of kindness, a bottle of cold water on a hot day, a smile, a hug, a ride to the grocery store when we don’t have a car. There’s the comfort and support, encouragement and compassion and a hand up when someone is in a deep hole they’ve dug for ourselves. There’s being there when a loved one dies, or when life gets dark. It’s the hard stuff – the learning, the day-to-day presence and encouragement. They are the hundreds of little things that mean so much, and that people remember for the rest of their lives. My high school teachers are among those. Their lessons, encouragement and laughter will be with me and part of who I am forever. It is the greatest legacy they could have left – a piece of themselves in every life they touched. Their influence continues without the media, or hype. It just is and it’s powerful.

We may not live on in infamy in the public eye, but who we are, who we were, lives on forever in the hearts of those we reach out to. Which kind of fame means more to you? Your name on a plaque on a wall at some institution, or on the front page of every website or paper your peers read? Or would you prefer your name mentioned often, in stories told round the table at Thanksgiving or Christmas, or on an anniversary or at an odd time when someone remembers something you  said or taught or shared? Me? I’d rather be known and cherished by a handful of people I impacted for good rather than a footprint in the media sand.

I work with a lot of people because I believe in them, not because they’re paying me. Most aren’t. Many of us mentor others. It’s rewarding to watch someone take what you’ve said or done to help them and then apply that knowledge and go on to succeed. I LOVE it! But sometimes we help the wrong person. “Wrong,” because the person wants to succeed, but is afraid to do the work, or doesn’t want to do the work, or doesn’t believe they are capable of doing the work.

Like my tomato plants and flowering vines, once you’re not there to support them and be the foundation holding them up, they collapse and die. And, all the fruit and potential for fruit (success) now lays on the ground rotting. They just don’t have the structure, faith, job or personal skills or skill set, or strength to succeed. Some of them will figure it out down the road – maybe years or even decades later. Some never will. They’ll continue to wonder what went wrong, or try to blame others or even you, for their failure.

If you’ve invested time, energy and resources into someone and then walk away to tend to your own business, it’s discouraging to see them collapse. However, unless they are mentally, physically or otherwise disabled and they are your formal legal responsibility, it’s not up to you to save them, or rescue them.

We’re all adults here. Each one of us is responsible for our own work, income, bills, and lives. You can’t control what other people say or think about you or about their perception of why they’re failing. But you can learn to identify who to help and who not to help.

Signs someone you’re mentoring might not have what it takes to succeed as an entrepreneur.

• When you give them suggestions, directions or lists of things they need to do they don’t follow up, or don’t come back to you with the results and to debrief and learn from their actions.
• They always wait for direction from you and rarely or never take the initiative to do their own thing.
• They’re afraid of failure and hide their failures rather than discuss them. They may even deny they failed when it’s obvious they did.
• When you can’t do things for them they don’t do anything at all. Rather than risk and fail they do nothing.
• They don’t own their own failure. If something doesn’t work, goes wrong or gets delayed they blame you.
• They want to assign blame rather than figure out solutions.
• They don’t value your time.
• They take you for granted, assuming you’ll be there to “fix” everything. They don’t expend their own time, energy or resources beyond their own comfort level.
• They don’t ask for what they need.
• They play the victim, the martyr or the “wronged” one.

Like I said. Not everyone has what it takes to be an entrepreneur, or an author, or a stand alone success. It’s hard. That’s why there are so few people who do it. If you’re the coach, friend, co-worker, neighbor, boss, mentor or parent who has tried and failed to support someone who you think can, or could succeed and you finally see that they’re not doing what they need to do to help themselves, then walk away. You’re not being cruel. You’re setting boundaries, being responsible to and for yourself and you’re giving them another opportunity to figure out that they’re responsible for themselves, that you’re not.

They won’t like it. They’ll blame you, martyr themselves and launch themselves full-bore into their victim hood in order to do all they can to keep the blame of their failure off of themselves. You can’t control what others say about you, but you can control your response to it. If you’re a recovering co-dependent, as I am, the best you can do is walk away, and keep that person in your prayers because they need it. They’re in pain, suffering from the past events and relationships in their lives that keeps them fearful. Be kind, firm and honest, but don’t get sucked into defending your actions. They don’t care and can’t hear your side of things. They’re doing their best to keep their pain, shame and fear at bay. To them, having someone who is supporting them walk away, even for good reasons, is a replay of a failure in their past. You can’t change that. It’s up to them to deal with their own pain. Be compassionate and take care of you.

I stood in the doorway breathing in the cool mist and the smell and suddenly missing the hundreds of weekends I spent camping in the rain in my life. Huddled in a tent or under a tarp with a campfire hissing and blazing only yards away, the smokey fragrance blowing in and around me, I’d curl up in a sleeping bag with a good book, or sleep (as I did most of today). Those were the best of times for sure.

Even when I was living in the van and homeless, rainy days were awesome. Even though the van leaked and I had to place plastic bags to divert the flow away from the bed and the driver’s seat, the sheer bliss of knowing I had a bed, a warm sleeping bag, a cooler with all the fixings for baloney sandwiches and bottled water, and a safe haven in the van was amazing. My animals would curl up on the bed with me while I read and listened to the sound of rain on the metal roof. Being rich is having those memories and good times. And by good times I mean being safe, warm, dry and often even fed. In today’s world, and the coming world, that is such a gift.

I hope you have a fireplace and a fire going now. Failing that, I hope you have a bed, a warm blanket or sleeping bag, and the ability to sleep through a driving rain in comfort, warmth, dryness and safety.

Not fade away
By Seth Godin
Most partnerships don’t end up in court.

Just because there are no firestorms on the porch doesn’t mean you’re doing okay. More likely, there are relationships out there that need more investment, quiet customers who are unhappy but not making a big deal out of it. They’re worth a lot more than the angry ones.

I recently asked a friend if I should just stop being generous. Stop giving. Stop caring. Stop supporting or showing up for people. I was feeling unappreciated, taken for granted. So I did like Seth says. I quit showing up. Quit volunteering. Quit sending emails with information they might find helpful. I stopped investing and moved on. That bothered me because I enjoy giving, caring and sharing. She said, “Just be clearer on what you expect. If it’s a gift, it’s a gift. If you’re expecting reciprocity, be clear about that up front. And if they aren’t willing to do that, then move on. Don’t give up on what you love because a few people aren’t able to participate or reciprocate.” So I found new folks to help. I started small to see what their response was. For the ones who didn’t say “Thanks!” I moved on. For the ones who said “Thanks!” I said “You’re welcome.” For the ones who said both “Thanks! and Is there anyway I can help you?” I had the reciprocity talk-the one that goes something like, “How can we help each other?”

I still give, but ONLY when I want to, not so much when I’m asked to, unless it’s a great opportunity. And I’ve learned so much-mostly that what we get out of our relationships, or not, is up to us. Relationships of any kind, as Seth pointed out, erode, not explode.

Communication is our responsibility. You can’t wait or expect the other person to get what you want out of your interaction. You have to know what YOU WANT, communicate it and then act on whether or not the other party respects your boundaries and gives you what you want. I wasn’t doing that, and I’m guessing others don’t either.

In Anytown, USA or Anytown, The World, there’s a widget factory that employs 100 people. There’s production, shipping, administrative, sales, all the departments any factory would have. Things are going along as always until one day one of the administrative people gets sick. She’s the girl who orders all the supplies for the supervisors. It’s no big deal because she keeps things well-stocked and no one misses her.

The folks on the production floor hear about her illness and shrug.

“Doesn’t affect me,” they say, going on about their business.

The folks in sales hear about her illness and shrug.

“Doesn’t affect me,” they say, going on about their business.

The folks in shipping and receiving hear about her illness and shrug.

“Doesn’t affect me,” they say, going on about their business.

Then one day the forms for one division run out. The supervisor is angry. This has never happened before. He remembers he heard that the woman who orders the forms was sick and that no one else knows how many forms to order. So he photocopies the last form he has and requests that someone order more. He realizes he needs a carbon copy to turn in to sales and to other departments and realizes his workload just got a little bit bigger. He now has to photocopy each completed form and then put it in the workflow. He usually does this as each form is filled out, but going to the copier every hour takes too much time. So he does it at the end of the day, delaying the ordering process by a day.

It causes other departments to slow down as it disrupts their process, but people adjust. The change is so incremental they don’t realize their production is off too. Things begin to clog up all over the factory. But no one does anything because “someone” will take care of it or “IT” will sort itself out. They still don’t realize where the problem is.

One day there are the usual problems with a machine and production grinds to a halt so the supervisor gives the photocopying job to a worker who is idle because of the shutdown so he can deal with the machinery. The worker knows how to run a copy machine, but doesn’t understand the importance of the job. Halfway through the photocopying job the machine starts running and the worker is called back to the production line. He places the half-finished job on the supervisor’s desk and doesn’t have time to leave him a note that the job is not finished.

The supervisor comes back, sees the stack on his desk, leafs through the copies and assumes the job is finished. So he puts the paperwork in the mail to the different departments. Half of the departments don’t get their copies so they don’t start the appropriate steps they need to take to reorder parts, supplies, boxes and whatever is needed so they can do their job. What they do is write up a report that sales are down. The CEO goes to sales and asks what the problem is. Sales hears this and shows her their records–which show that sales are the highest they’ve ever been.

Sales are high, but without the proper supplies to produce the widgets haven’t been ordered, so production slows. Because production slows widget buyers get impatient, cancel their orders or find other suppliers and sales drop. The huge order of supplies comes in so now the company can meet the demand, but the demand is false. And so it goes, all because one critical, but seemingly insignificant person became ill.

The impact of one employee, one person is far reaching. So when someone gave me the gift of the remark, “Why should I get all upset about child sexual abuse, or rape, or all these things you’re talking about if they don’t affect me?”  Thus the story. The truth is, those things do affect you, just not in a way you can see it. From the Child Welfare Government site:

Direct costs. Direct costs include those associated with maintaining a child welfare system to investigate and respond to allegations of child abuse and neglect, as well as expenditures by the judicial, law enforcement, health, and mental health systems. A 2001 report by Prevent Child Abuse America estimated these costs at $24 billion per year. More recent reports place it at $61 Billion a year.

Indirect costs. Indirect costs represent the long-term economic consequences of child abuse and neglect. These include costs associated with juvenile and adult criminal activity, mental illness, substance abuse, and domestic violence. They can also include loss of productivity due to unemployment and underemployment, the cost of special education services, and increased use of the health care system. Prevent Child Abuse America estimated these costs at more than $69 billion per year (2001)

Behavioral Consequences

Not all victims of child abuse and neglect will experience behavioral consequences. However, behavioral problems appear to be more likely among this group, even at a young age. An NSCAW survey of children ages 3 to 5 in foster care found these children displayed clinical or borderline levels of behavioral problems at a rate of more than twice that of the general population (ACF, 2004b). Later in life, child abuse and neglect appear to make the following more likely:

Difficulties during adolescence. Studies have found abused and neglected children to be at least 25 percent more likely to experience problems such as delinquency, teen pregnancy, low academic achievement, drug use, and mental health problems (Kelley, Thornberry, & Smith, 1997). Other studies suggest that abused or neglected children are more likely to engage in sexual risk-taking as they reach adolescence, thereby increasing their chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (Johnson, Rew, & Sternglanz, 2006).

Juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. According to a National Institute of Justice study, abused and neglected children were 11 times more likely to be arrested for criminal behavior as a juvenile, 2.7 times more likely to be arrested for violent and criminal behavior as an adult, and 3.1 times more likely to be arrested for one of many forms of violent crime (juvenile or adult) (English, Widom, & Brandford, 2004).

Alcohol and other drug abuse. Research consistently reflects an increased likelihood that abused and neglected children will smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol, or take illicit drugs during their lifetime (Dube et al., 2001). According to a report from the National Institute on Drug Abuse, as many as two-thirds of people in drug treatment programs reported being abused as children (Swan, 1998).

Abusive behavior. Abusive parents often have experienced abuse during their own childhoods. It is estimated approximately one-third of abused and neglected children will eventually victimize their own children (Prevent Child Abuse New York, 2003).

There are dozens and dozens of additional examples of how you are affected by child sexual abuse. It’s not just your taxes though. It’s your life and your property since reenactment of childhood victimization is the major cause of violence in our society.

• Numerous-studies have documented that most violent criminals were physically or sexually abused as children. (Groth, 1979; Seghorn et al, 1987)
• Over 95% of perpetrators who sexually abuse female children and over 80% of those who abuse male children, are men. Most of these men were abused themselves in childhood. (Fergusson & Mullen, 1999)
• Children from violent homes are 24 times more likely to commit sexual assault than their counterparts from non-violent homes. (Dinzinger, 1996)
  Of 14 juveniles condemned to death for murder in the US in 1987, 12 had been brutally physically abused and five had been sodomized by relatives as children. (Lewis et al, 1998)
• A study of convicted killers reports 83.8% suffered severe physical and emotional abuse and 32.2% were sexually violated as children. (Blake, 1995)

• The mental health system is filled with survivors of prolonged, repeated childhood trauma.
  50 to 70% of all women and a substantial number of men treated in psychiatric settings have histories of sexual or physical abuse, or both. (Carmen et al, 1984; Bryer et al., 1987; Craine et al., 1988)
• As high as 81% of men and women in psychiatric hospitals with a variety of major mental illness diagnoses, have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse. 67% of these men and women were abused as children. (Jacobson & Richardson, 1987)
• 74% of Maine’s Augusta Mental Health Institute patients, interviewed as class members, report histories of sexual and physical abuse. (Maine BDS, 1998)
• The majority of adults diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (81%) or Dissociative Identity Disorder (90%) were sexually and/or physically abused as children. (Herman et al, 1989; Ross et al, 1990)
• Women molested as children are four times more at risk for Major Depression as those with no such history. They are significantly more likely to develop bulimia and chronic PTSD. (Stein et al, 1988; Root & Fallon, 1988; Sloane, 1986; Craine, 1990)
• 97% of mentally ill homeless women have experienced severe physical and/or sexual abuse. 87% experienced this abuse both as children and as adults. (Goodman, Johnson, Dutton & Harris. (1997)
• 85% of boys and girls committed to the Maine Youth Center report a history of childhood trauma. (MAYSI: Massachusetts Assessment Youth Screening Inventory Assessment. Sept. 1999)
• Over 75% of juvenile girls identified as delinquent by court have been sexually abused. When they run away from the abuse at home, they are often labeled as delinquent. (Calhoun et al 1993)
• 80% of women in prison and jails have been victims of sexual and physical abuse. These women are far more likely to be abused while in prison. (Smith, 1998)
• Without help, one-third of those abused in childhood may abuse or neglect their own children, perpetuating an intergenerational cycle of abuse. (Kaufman, 1987)

I often wonder who and what I could have become had I not been so severely abused. What could I have given to society as a doctor, researcher or educator – all things I wanted to be at one time? I’m healing, but I look around at the quality of my life over the years and grieve at what could have been. You think you’re not affected? You are. You are affected by the loss of all the potential of those folks you encounter. Customer service sucks? Statistically you’re being impacted because at least one-quarter of those people you deal with don’t have the requisite skills they need to do their job because of their background of abuse. As more and more people with abuse issues enter an increasingly high-tech society with higher demands for creative and social skills more people are going to be out of work or become a greater burden on society that is already struggling with a lack of resources.

Many workers don’t even deal or experience the worst of their emotional and psychological issues until their mid 20’s or early 30’s their most productive work years. Add divorce, a bad economy and the usual life stress issues to the mix and if you aren’t a victim of abuse you may be married to one, dating one, divorced from one or employing one. Every facet of your life is affected, from people who don’t understand boundaries, to people who violate yours in small to large ways every day. Your children are engaging with children in school who are being victimized right now. That kid with the drug problem urging your child to try smoking pot or popping pills? Good chance he/she is being molested or abused by someone.

Managers aren’t dealing with the root of the problem. They’re saying, “Get over it, don’t think about it, forget it,” or are asking employees to self-medicate or not take care of themselves in order to deliver work at a level many can’t do because of the abuse.

The educational system thinks the issue is drug and alcohol use and control.

Your neighbors think it’s a moral, religious, personal issue they shouldn’t get involved in. And so it goes on, the illness that affects one person affects us all, whether we realize life is a widget factory or not.

Still think you’re not impacted?