Apart from your own procrastination and frittering away time surfing, playing and having performance panic attacks, the categories and clients that most distractions and demands fall into are:

People Without Boundaries: These are clients, friends, family and people who don’t understand the word, “No,” or who take the word personally. They see your life as an extension of their lives. If they have time to piss away, you should too. They pout and protest and beg and  plead, “Can’t you just do it this once?”

They don’t get the concept of time in general and they especially don’t get the concept your time is different than theirs. If they’re available to do “stuff,” they assume you are too. If you schedule a time to talk and they get busy, blow you off or forget about your appointment, they don’t understand later why you’re angry, offended or not available when THEY do decide to call a week later.

It’s almost like they think you’re a tool or appliance they take of the shelf when they need you, and put you back when they don’t. You have no life outside of them and their needs. They don’t understand you have work, family, other clients and a schedule. And when you do explain it, they don’t like it and think you’re deliberately using your work and other commitments to avoid them.

People With No Life, but Lots of Time: You know these folks. They’re unemployed, underemployed or have jobs they can actually leave at the end of the day. They assume you do too. They may be retired, or be stay at home parents, or in school, or living with mom and dad, in-between jobs….whatever. They don’t understand why you can’t just leave a project and go have a beer, join them for dinner or catch a movie or just talk for 45 minutes about their crappy job, their plans to dominate the world, or who they think the next American Idol or Dancing with the Stars winner will be. They’re not bad people. They are probably fun. They just don’t have the demands on their time that you do and they don’t understand (or like) the concept you do.

Emergencies: I love the sign over my computer. It reads, “The lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” What that means is, if you spent your summer and all your money on golf, fishing and vacationing across the southwest with your family instead of writing that ebook on “Christmas Decorating for Capitalists” that you planned to sell at Christmas, it’s really not my problem you don’t have the time or the money to produce it in time for the holidays.  “Emergencies” are people with no boundaries, no money and no sense of time. They’re like teenagers — they feel entitled. They want what they want when they want it and they don’t want to have to pay for it or wait for it.

Emergencies are characterized by:

• Need things ASAP. Everything is rush, rush, rush! Stress, stress, stress!
• They say things that make you feel like their chaos is your fault
• They expect to be rescued
• They have no money or they don’t want to spend money to make things happen
• No matter what you do for them, it will never be good enough

I could go on, but the point is it doesn’t matter who or what the distraction is, you stop all these folks with one thing — boundaries.

Take for instance the client who wanted a brochure, no, NEEDED a brochure ASAP. We scheduled a day and time, then he went on vacation, met a new girlfriend and blew off the appointment. He emailed me two weeks later to say, Okay, NOW he had time to deal with the brochure and wanted to do the brochure TODAY. Well, gee…I’ve already booked other clients and made plans and filled my dance card. I don’t have time now. It will have to wait until next month.

His change in plans, his failure to reschedule as soon as he knew he had something he had to deal with instead of a brochure redesign, and his poor timing is not my responsibility or my problem. It’s his. His frustration, his anger — it’s all his. He chose his priorities and he has to deal with them. All I could say was, “Great for you on the girlfriend! I’m booked through the middle of next month, so “What’s a good time then?” I want to help, but my doctor, therapist, web guy don’t drop their lives if I have a problem. There are exceptions, but they generally involve TRUE life or death matters. Same with me.

Setting boundaries is what you do when you want to save your sanity, keep your stress levels low and get your work done. It’s not easy, not at first. You’ll want to rescue your clients and make the money. You might  need the work. That’s your choice. The thing is, when you twist yourself into a pretzel to accommodate others at the expense of your own stuff, you’re training your clients how to treat you. When you jump to their rescue and put your life and other clients on hold when they come calling, that’s what they’ll learn to expect. When they learn they can do that, there is NO incentive to change, NO incentive to be responsible or to plan ahead.  When they learn that if they want you that they’ll have to schedule time, keep appointments and deliver their end of the deal then they will.

So, today’s lesson? Say “No.” Say, “What’s a good time next week, next month etc” — a time that works for you first, clients second. If you’re not happy, ain’t no one gonna be happy!

“Oh,” she said. “So how long do you think it will take you to clean up your room?”
The girl’s eyes rolled around in her head.
“Mom! Not more than 15 minutes,” she said.
“How long did it take last week?” mom asked.
The girl frowned.
“All morning.”
“But it’s cleaner this time, so it’ll take less time?” the mother prodded.
At stake was a movie matinee apparently.
The conversation continued. The kids had been promised pizza and movie if they finished their chores, cleaned their rooms and finished their homework. If they didn’t get it all done, no movie. No pizza.
What was so fascinating about the conversation for me was how the mother kept coming back, not to nag, but to ask questions about time.

She reminded her children of the reality of time, not challenging the endless sense of time that children have, but getting them to look at how long things really took, not what they thought they took. Apparently her prodding worked. By the time the conversation had gotten around to taking out the trash the meter was clicking and at least the oldest girl had figured out she was going to have to hustle if she wanted to make that pizza and movie deadline.

Last year I started using a FREE app for Macintosh called TimeEdition (There’s a PC version too). It allows you to track your time on projects, clients and whatever else you have going, at least as long as you’re on the computer. When you leave the computer for a few minutes it will shut itself off after giving a warning beep.

I started using it to track how much time I spent on email, on phone calls, on video games, on client projects and on just surfing. I wrote down my estimates first, then started using the tracker. It’s fast and easy to use — trust me, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be using it! I was stunned.

A client I liked and who had hired me on several ongoing projects began to send me periodic emails throughout the day. At first they were related to the current project, then they totally stopped being about the current project, but became about “possible” projects. I wasn’t charging her for the quick answers and comments, but I tracked it for a month. In 30 days I racked up a total of 12 hours, a little over 30 minutes a day every work day for a month. But no project came out of it, although she got a lot of work done herself by consulting me for advice on small items she then paid someone else to do.

It was more like some days were 10 minutes, some were 45, but looking at my print out, I could see she had nibbled away 12 unpaid hours of consulting and advice for free. It was not her fault — It was mine for allowing it to happen. I sent her the printout and told her that I valued her as a client and a casual friend and wanted to continue our working relationship, but the next month I needed a $1,000 retainer if she wanted to continue to use me to “tweak” her emails, or advise her on different marketing ideas. She was offended. She didn’t think “a few minutes here and there” was something I should charge her for since she was a client, even if they were non-project related. Normally I would have agreed, and did agree until I saw how those “few minutes” every day added up to about $1,200 worth of billable hours a month. She was getting more free time from me than she was spending in services each month. Now I knew why.

When I returned each of her emails the next month with a reminder of our conversation and an invoice, I honored my boundaries, but apparently she didn’t respect them or my time. So she disappeared. I wasn’t too upset since I had just reclaimed 12 hours of my life each month.

I thought about that when I heard the mother talking about a more realistic approach to time management. Even as adults most of us (especially creative types) really don’t have a realistic view of what something takes. I recently quoted a new client $35,000 for a full length business book he wanted ghosted. 250 pages, lots of resources, footnotes and interviews and about a year’s worth of time plus all my writing from scratch. He was stunned. He said, “I can get someone on Elance to do it for about $500,” he said. And I smiled. “And you’ll get a $500 job.” [Ghostwriting is NEVER about the money, always about the value. You may pay someone $500 to write a book, but if no one reads it, you lose money. If you pay $35,000 and the reading is so good that people can't put it down, and recommend it to all their friends, you got a bargain for the $35,000 price tag.]

People tell me that I’ll never have people standing in line to knock down my door to ghost write at that price. I remind them I don’t need people knocking down my door or standing in line. I need one person, not 100. I’m 56. I don’t think I have several hundred full-length books worth of time left in my life. So I don’t worry about lines. I wait patiently for the handful of people who get me, want my writing and value what I bring to the project in terms of life experience, writing skill and personality. And that? I have time for.

How do you invest, spend or piddle away your time? Do you know? How much time do you give away? How many billable hours are lost? How much time do you give yourself for your own projects? Time. Start thinking about it differently. You may not have as much of it left as you thought you did.

She was supportive, calm and my rock in a time I was feeling so uncertain. When I wrote my first speech she read it and said, “You can do better. Rewrite it.” And I did. And with each version I handed her, she said, “You can do better.” But she talked me through the whys and hows. She came home one day with a book on telling stories (that is my bible today). She cared.

Patty’s not an animal lover, but she invited my rottweiler (who is afraid of everyone but took IMMEDIATELY to Patty with nary a whimper) into her home. I can’t think of anyone I count as a better person or friend, and business woman than Patty Newbold is to those who know her. HER story is amazing too, and you can read it at her blog: http://assumelove.com. It took her husband dying for her to find her way and to find what true love means. And she shares that every day in real, applicable ways. Most people run from the demands and strains of marriage and its hardships, Patty runs towards them with arms wide open, solutions in hand. She is nothing short of amazing.

Her tagline, “How to have a happier marriage without waiting for your spouse to change.” is so true!

Now the time has come to vote for her again for Marriage Blog of the Year. She was one of the top 10 blogs last year and I think she should be the NUMBER ONE BLOG this year. I’m asking you to help me help my friend—the woman who has steadfastly been there for me for three years and hopefully will always be….to get something she wants as well. Please vote for her blog. If you loved my TED Global talk, thank Patty Newbold. She pushed me to be my best just as she encourages others to be their best. Vote for her blog. It takes less than a minute:

Here is a shortcut link to the voting site:

http://bit.ly/w4KxLp

To vote for Assume Love:

• Scroll down to the bottom of the post
• Find Assume Love in the drop-down list.
• Add your email address.
• Hit Send.

Her two sites, AssumeLove.com and EnjoyBeingMarried.com are saving relationships and marriages and she’s doing great stuff. Help her continue to do more. She helps  me be there for all the folks that help me, I’m asking that you help her continue to help others do the same!

Thank you!!

UPDATE ON RESULTS:

Patty’s blog was voted 4th out of 48! She’s up from 10th position last year thanks to you guys and her other readers!

Patty is mentioned here, in the Top Ten Marriage Blogs of 2011 competition, http://bit.ly/thQAgQ

She writes:

“Thanks to you, Assume Love remains on the list, one of only four to do so. We even moved up from #10 to #4, despite a field of 48 nominees this year. Your votes did this, and it makes it so much easier to reach more people who want to Enjoy Being Married. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! Patty Newbold.”

Thank YOU for responding and voting. She is doing amazing work and it shows!

If they look like real people and aren’t just a fake profile, I generally say yes. All I do on social media sites is vent, praise, be a cheerleader and a social butterfly anyway. I don’t share anything on line I wouldn’t say after I sung the national anthem at a football game. Still, I don’t want unsafe people privy to my personal conversations any more than you’d want some stranger obviously eavesdropping on your lunchtime chat with a co-worker. It just feels creepy. I can like you, but not be your friend.

The other person I say “No,” to is people I have a history with, unsafe people. People who have proven they will lie to me, and then lie to me about lying to me, and then lie to me about lying to me about lying to me. You know the type. Most of these are ex’s of some sort: ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-co-worker, ex-neighbor, ex-landlord, anyone who at one time was an acquaintance, friend, lover or in your life for some reason. Ex’s are ex’s for a reason and not all those reasons are good. While I maintain a civil, and sometimes even friendly acquaintance with them, as in I smile and chat with them in the grocery store if I should happen to run into them (Hi! How’re the kids? How’s work? How’s your parole officer?) that doesn’t mean I want to share the details of my life with them—even the inconsequential details.

I have a three lie rule. Lie to me once and you get my attention. Lie to me twice and I start looking for the door. Lie to me three times and I’m gone. I’m not talking about those, “I like your haircut,” when you really think it makes me look older; or the “This is a great dinner!” when you’re struggling to swallow whatever I just served. I’m talking about the “I did not have sex with that woman,” kind of Clintonesque lie. I’m talking about the lie that puts walls between us, the lies about your life, values or feelings that impact our relationship. I’m talking about the boyfriend who said, “I didn’t sleep with her,” when he did, then lied about it, then lied about lying about it. I’m talking about the co-worker who supports you to your face, then goes behind your back and lies about you to your boss.

If people can’t be honest about their feelings, thoughts and life with you there is no friendship. So while I might stop and exchange pleasantries or smile and wave “hello” to an old acquaintance in the supermarket just to be polite or because I can’t  avoid them, it doesn’t mean I want to friend them on Facebook.

If you have a clean slate with me, and an interesting history I can find online, I’m open to exploring and exchanging ideas. But if you’re someone from my past who has hurt me in any way, the door is closed. You had your chance(s) and blew it. Your bad. Have a nice life. Just don’t have it in my circles.

As of December 20, 2010 (the day before the 2010 Census was released), the estimated population of the United States was more than 310,950,000— or 310 million.

According to Martha Stout, a Harvard Medical School psychiatrist, as many as 4% of the population are conscienceless sociopaths who have no empathy or affectionate feelings for humans or animals. That’s MILLIONS of people, or, one in four people in your life or organization, that have no conscience and no ability to develop one. They’re not all serial killers, but they thrive on seeing other people in pain. They’re motivated by winning at any cost. As Stout (The Myth of Sanity) explains, “a sociopath is defined as someone who displays at least three of seven distinguishing characteristics, such as deceitfulness, impulsivity and a lack of remorse. Such people often have a superficial charm, which they exercise ruthlessly in order to get what they want.”  Those who don’t fit the full-blown sociopath model show up on the narcissist scale—at least one in 6, according to some experts. If you’re not sure what a narcissist is, consider the alternative word for it—entitlement syndrome or “ego maniac.” No matter how you define them, they’re jerks. They’re not only jerks, they delight in winning and will go to any length to “win.” If you are rude, brusk or hateful with them, you just earned yourself a life of hell. It’s easier to get white off of rice than it is to shake a narcissist bound and determined to “win.”

As research psychologists Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell say in their new book The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, “Narcissism, or excessive self-love, is marked by bloated confidence, vanity, materialism, and a lack of consideration for others. Yet narcissistic personality traits have become so pervasive in American culture that they threaten to transform us into a nation of egomaniacs.”

So why do we put up with them? Because even more of us are co-dependents, willing to accept abuse because we were abused.

It is estimated that there are 60 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse in America today (Forward, 1993). Many of them seek out  or recreate their childhood, seeking out abusive partners and raising children who become victims as well.

Consider the disabled, the mentally ill, addicts—both alcohol, illegal and prescription drug addicts, mild to severe mental illness, veterans suffering from PTSD, baby boomers with a variety of health issues, cancer survivors and those in treatment, and the picture you have of America and the people running, working and living in the country is pretty scary and sad. We are a broken nation in many ways. Consider the homeless populations, those who are unemployed or underemployed, the millions suffering from temporary and permanent disabilities and the saying, “We’re all fighting something,” is more true than you’d think.

Even if you’re not old, sick or disabled, you may have other issues. The divorce rate in the USA is staggering: The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.

It’s no small wonder that an act of kindness, of listening, of treating people with respect can go  far. So why do so many companies fail to train their employees in HOW to be good listeners? Why do so many companies fail to teach basic customer service skills and then empower them to do good things?

A study some time ago found that nurses were less likely to be sued than doctors. Why? Nurses were perceived as trying to help the patient. Even if they made a mistake patients saw them as trying, caring and doing the best they could—making them seem more human.  Those statistics are changing as nurses take on more autonomous roles and spend less time acting like nurses and more time acting like doctors.

The bottom line is, your customers are people who are already stressed, suspicious, abused, hurting and trying to have a good life. They work hard for their money and don’t like being bilked, cheated or scammed out of it. Don’t believe me. Watch the “Occupy Wall Street” movement.

When cops in California started beating up or almost killing Iraq war veterans they pretty much shifted sentiment for the movement to the people. Why? It’s not fair, or just, in most people’s eyes, to hurt the underdog, harm the weak, or attack those social icons we respect most—our military.

If you’re a company or business, think twice about angering your customers, or ignoring them, or thinking their voice doesn’t matter. Pre-internet and social media, maybe it didn’t. But it does now.

Every year I “help” someone else on my birthday and feel angry and resentful for doing it because it’s not what I wanted to do and I believed I couldn’t say “no” to my friends. I’ve been working on that. I say “No,” quite easily lately. I’ve been practicing.

This year I’m not going to cave, so don’t bother asking. You’ll just piss me off – probably for a whole year or longer, maybe forever. Send me cards, wish me well, take me out to dinner or lunch, post silly birthday greetings, sing me a song, but don’t expect anything in terms of work or help from me. I’m taking care of me all day. And I am totally fine with that. You will have to wait until Monday, because Sunday is off-limits too. I’ll be resting from all the fun I have planned for my Saturday birthday.

This should be a no brainer, but for the past half-century, it hasn’t been.

As I realize how little time we all have really, every minute I spend on others before meeting my own needs becomes like a burning thorn in my side. It’s my turn. I love helping, love being generous, love engaging with others, but just not for you and not on my birthday.

I’m going to sleep in late, watch movies, drink soda, take my dog on a long walk and maybe spoil her too – and maybe I’ll buy a small bottle of Kahlua or Peach Schnapps to toast myself with later. But I’m not going to worry about anything else. Thank you all for understanding. And if you don’t understand, that’s your problem, not mine. Happy Birthday me!

If you’re the person who wants out, make that clear. Don’t just disappear. After months of tolerating disrespect, abuse and people taking us for granted our tendency is still one of feeling guilty for walking away. It’s NOT your fault! Tell the person “This isn’t working for me and I’m leaving. I don’t want to engage with you any more, so please don’t contact me.” End it.

“No, I don’t want to be your friend/business partner/buddy/sidekick,” means, “I want nothing to do with you. I don’t want to respond to your emails, phone calls or letters, so I’m not and I won’t, no matter how many you send or make. I don’t want to waste time arguing with you because I know you’re really just feeding your drama addiction and have no desire to change, apologize, move on or get help.”

When given the chance to engage, talk, work out things, share, debate, relate and be engaged in the relationship prior to your decision to leave, chances were your abuser wasn’t interested. They kept being abusive. If they could have changed, they would have. Change doesn’t happen overnight. If they get help and spend 2-6 years in hard, dedicated therapy, they could change. But let them do it. In the meantime, get on with your life. It’s passing. Every minute spent feeling guilt, loss, regret or sadness over leaving is a minute you don’t have to spend feeling joy, happiness and wonder at the people who could be in your life loving and appreciating you.

Narcissists, passive-aggressives, bullies, butt-heads and bad bosses are poison. Quit ingesting their toxic energy. Say “No.” Leave. And having left, don’t look back. SO much more awaits you down the road. If you feel sorry for them (and yes, they are pathetic), then realize that your leaving may be the straw that kicks them in the teeth and shows them that they can’t keep acting like they do and keep generous, loving people like you in their lives for any length of time. Your leaving may be the thing that saves them. Then again, they may never get it. And if they don’t, you’re better off for having left when you did.

Don’t believe just me. Dr. Henry Cloud has an awesome book called: Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward. He outlines and explains why endings are good things. Without those “necessary endings” we’d all be still crawling on all fours, married to the first person we dated and driving the first car we bought. Read the book if you’re having trouble leaving that toxic relationship. If you are the toxin, read it too. It may be time to get help.

I work with a lot of people because I believe in them, not because they’re paying me. Most aren’t. Many of us mentor others. It’s rewarding to watch someone take what you’ve said or done to help them and then apply that knowledge and go on to succeed. I LOVE it! But sometimes we help the wrong person. “Wrong,” because the person wants to succeed, but is afraid to do the work, or doesn’t want to do the work, or doesn’t believe they are capable of doing the work.

Like my tomato plants and flowering vines, once you’re not there to support them and be the foundation holding them up, they collapse and die. And, all the fruit and potential for fruit (success) now lays on the ground rotting. They just don’t have the structure, faith, job or personal skills or skill set, or strength to succeed. Some of them will figure it out down the road – maybe years or even decades later. Some never will. They’ll continue to wonder what went wrong, or try to blame others or even you, for their failure.

If you’ve invested time, energy and resources into someone and then walk away to tend to your own business, it’s discouraging to see them collapse. However, unless they are mentally, physically or otherwise disabled and they are your formal legal responsibility, it’s not up to you to save them, or rescue them.

We’re all adults here. Each one of us is responsible for our own work, income, bills, and lives. You can’t control what other people say or think about you or about their perception of why they’re failing. But you can learn to identify who to help and who not to help.

Signs someone you’re mentoring might not have what it takes to succeed as an entrepreneur.

• When you give them suggestions, directions or lists of things they need to do they don’t follow up, or don’t come back to you with the results and to debrief and learn from their actions.
• They always wait for direction from you and rarely or never take the initiative to do their own thing.
• They’re afraid of failure and hide their failures rather than discuss them. They may even deny they failed when it’s obvious they did.
• When you can’t do things for them they don’t do anything at all. Rather than risk and fail they do nothing.
• They don’t own their own failure. If something doesn’t work, goes wrong or gets delayed they blame you.
• They want to assign blame rather than figure out solutions.
• They don’t value your time.
• They take you for granted, assuming you’ll be there to “fix” everything. They don’t expend their own time, energy or resources beyond their own comfort level.
• They don’t ask for what they need.
• They play the victim, the martyr or the “wronged” one.

Like I said. Not everyone has what it takes to be an entrepreneur, or an author, or a stand alone success. It’s hard. That’s why there are so few people who do it. If you’re the coach, friend, co-worker, neighbor, boss, mentor or parent who has tried and failed to support someone who you think can, or could succeed and you finally see that they’re not doing what they need to do to help themselves, then walk away. You’re not being cruel. You’re setting boundaries, being responsible to and for yourself and you’re giving them another opportunity to figure out that they’re responsible for themselves, that you’re not.

They won’t like it. They’ll blame you, martyr themselves and launch themselves full-bore into their victim hood in order to do all they can to keep the blame of their failure off of themselves. You can’t control what others say about you, but you can control your response to it. If you’re a recovering co-dependent, as I am, the best you can do is walk away, and keep that person in your prayers because they need it. They’re in pain, suffering from the past events and relationships in their lives that keeps them fearful. Be kind, firm and honest, but don’t get sucked into defending your actions. They don’t care and can’t hear your side of things. They’re doing their best to keep their pain, shame and fear at bay. To them, having someone who is supporting them walk away, even for good reasons, is a replay of a failure in their past. You can’t change that. It’s up to them to deal with their own pain. Be compassionate and take care of you.

I have learned we can’t change others, we can only change ourselves. So I cut the cord, notified everyone who was draining more than they were filling and reorganized my boundaries and priorities. It felt good. I am not responsible for people’s success. They are. Unless they are paying me, or reciprocating in kind, for me to keep helping others more than I’m helping me is a no win situation for me. When you have more energy, like money, going out than coming in, eventually you’ll be empty. I don’t want to be empty, bitter, sick. So I’m saying YES to me by saying NO to others.

Don’t worry. I factored in X amount of time to give to non-profits, individuals and charities that I passionately support and love. They don’t have to give anything in return or reciprocate. They are recipients in the most joyful way I know how to give. But the able-bodied and financially capable who just don’t want to spend the money to get what they want (more money), are going to have to go it alone. I wish you well.

We all make our best choices and I’ve made mine. Here’s to my better health, peace of mind and a kinder, more loving spirit as I finally take care of me like I’ve been taking care of so many others. Yay!!!

Not fade away
By Seth Godin
Most partnerships don’t end up in court.

Just because there are no firestorms on the porch doesn’t mean you’re doing okay. More likely, there are relationships out there that need more investment, quiet customers who are unhappy but not making a big deal out of it. They’re worth a lot more than the angry ones.

I recently asked a friend if I should just stop being generous. Stop giving. Stop caring. Stop supporting or showing up for people. I was feeling unappreciated, taken for granted. So I did like Seth says. I quit showing up. Quit volunteering. Quit sending emails with information they might find helpful. I stopped investing and moved on. That bothered me because I enjoy giving, caring and sharing. She said, “Just be clearer on what you expect. If it’s a gift, it’s a gift. If you’re expecting reciprocity, be clear about that up front. And if they aren’t willing to do that, then move on. Don’t give up on what you love because a few people aren’t able to participate or reciprocate.” So I found new folks to help. I started small to see what their response was. For the ones who didn’t say “Thanks!” I moved on. For the ones who said “Thanks!” I said “You’re welcome.” For the ones who said both “Thanks! and Is there anyway I can help you?” I had the reciprocity talk-the one that goes something like, “How can we help each other?”

I still give, but ONLY when I want to, not so much when I’m asked to, unless it’s a great opportunity. And I’ve learned so much-mostly that what we get out of our relationships, or not, is up to us. Relationships of any kind, as Seth pointed out, erode, not explode.

Communication is our responsibility. You can’t wait or expect the other person to get what you want out of your interaction. You have to know what YOU WANT, communicate it and then act on whether or not the other party respects your boundaries and gives you what you want. I wasn’t doing that, and I’m guessing others don’t either.

I made the poster (left) from one of the pages in the book. Most of the lessons in the book are things I’ve known, but didn’t really understand until I started tilling the soil. As a writer it made me appreciate the fact that if you really want to reach an audience you should use metaphors they can appreciate, and not just metaphors you’re familiar with.

Until you till and sow and work a garden I don’t think you really can understand the wisdom in “Reaping what you sow.”

It’s when we experience the metaphor that we really remember it. I’m hoping the book will touch the souls and memories of gardeners. Of the 26 pages, 23 are all photos. I took all the photos in my own garden. It’s been a fantastic summer of insects and critters I’ve never seen before – including a damselfly and a tomato hornworm.

If you’re curious, it’s only $1.99 and that investment goes towards more making more books and freeing me up for The October Abduction of Thomas Martin series as well.

Those people we admire most, the business leaders we believe to be most admirable and trustworthy are praising a narcissist, one of the most emotionally devastating and abusive personalities known to man. Only the sociopathic serial killer does more damage to society.

Don’t mistake being a great innovator and genius for being a great human being, otherwise you send the wrong message and we end up creating more monsters, not more technology. As a society we’re far too quick to look the other way when abusers bring money, art, talent or better economics to the societal table. It makes us whores, willing to sell our standards for the best design, the sexiest films, the most outrageous products. Do you truly value caring, compassion, authenticity and your tribe? Or are you after a buck, attention and success at any price?

Praise Jobs where he excelled, but don’t dare cast him as a caring, concerned or compassionate leader. He’s a narcissist who abused, cheated and whored his way to the top abusing others. He’s a shark. There’s a place in the world for sharks, but you might notice that people choose to swim with dolphins and away from sharks. There’s a reason. Well known for publicly humiliating subordinates, Jobs left more than great computer designs and innovations in his wake. He left broken spirits, broken hearts and ruined lives behind as well. Recovering from the abuse of a narcissist is one of the most difficult betrayals anyone can heal from. Ask anyone who has worked for him directly.

Jobs is not alone in his narcissistic approach to business, a scary development for creatives. The Harvard Business Review says narcissists are changing the face and personality of business – a dangerous precedence in a world where creativity is projected to rule the next two decades or more. Love the technology. Love the design, but take seriously the impact of how the Steve Jobs and narcissists of the world are changing business more than the Seth Godins, and ask yourself which way you really want things to go. Don’t romanticize the man. He’s not the designs he created. Admire his teeth from afar.

In Anytown, USA or Anytown, The World, there’s a widget factory that employs 100 people. There’s production, shipping, administrative, sales, all the departments any factory would have. Things are going along as always until one day one of the administrative people gets sick. She’s the girl who orders all the supplies for the supervisors. It’s no big deal because she keeps things well-stocked and no one misses her.

The folks on the production floor hear about her illness and shrug.

“Doesn’t affect me,” they say, going on about their business.

The folks in sales hear about her illness and shrug.

“Doesn’t affect me,” they say, going on about their business.

The folks in shipping and receiving hear about her illness and shrug.

“Doesn’t affect me,” they say, going on about their business.

Then one day the forms for one division run out. The supervisor is angry. This has never happened before. He remembers he heard that the woman who orders the forms was sick and that no one else knows how many forms to order. So he photocopies the last form he has and requests that someone order more. He realizes he needs a carbon copy to turn in to sales and to other departments and realizes his workload just got a little bit bigger. He now has to photocopy each completed form and then put it in the workflow. He usually does this as each form is filled out, but going to the copier every hour takes too much time. So he does it at the end of the day, delaying the ordering process by a day.

It causes other departments to slow down as it disrupts their process, but people adjust. The change is so incremental they don’t realize their production is off too. Things begin to clog up all over the factory. But no one does anything because “someone” will take care of it or “IT” will sort itself out. They still don’t realize where the problem is.

One day there are the usual problems with a machine and production grinds to a halt so the supervisor gives the photocopying job to a worker who is idle because of the shutdown so he can deal with the machinery. The worker knows how to run a copy machine, but doesn’t understand the importance of the job. Halfway through the photocopying job the machine starts running and the worker is called back to the production line. He places the half-finished job on the supervisor’s desk and doesn’t have time to leave him a note that the job is not finished.

The supervisor comes back, sees the stack on his desk, leafs through the copies and assumes the job is finished. So he puts the paperwork in the mail to the different departments. Half of the departments don’t get their copies so they don’t start the appropriate steps they need to take to reorder parts, supplies, boxes and whatever is needed so they can do their job. What they do is write up a report that sales are down. The CEO goes to sales and asks what the problem is. Sales hears this and shows her their records–which show that sales are the highest they’ve ever been.

Sales are high, but without the proper supplies to produce the widgets haven’t been ordered, so production slows. Because production slows widget buyers get impatient, cancel their orders or find other suppliers and sales drop. The huge order of supplies comes in so now the company can meet the demand, but the demand is false. And so it goes, all because one critical, but seemingly insignificant person became ill.

The impact of one employee, one person is far reaching. So when someone gave me the gift of the remark, “Why should I get all upset about child sexual abuse, or rape, or all these things you’re talking about if they don’t affect me?”  Thus the story. The truth is, those things do affect you, just not in a way you can see it. From the Child Welfare Government site:

Direct costs. Direct costs include those associated with maintaining a child welfare system to investigate and respond to allegations of child abuse and neglect, as well as expenditures by the judicial, law enforcement, health, and mental health systems. A 2001 report by Prevent Child Abuse America estimated these costs at $24 billion per year. More recent reports place it at $61 Billion a year.

Indirect costs. Indirect costs represent the long-term economic consequences of child abuse and neglect. These include costs associated with juvenile and adult criminal activity, mental illness, substance abuse, and domestic violence. They can also include loss of productivity due to unemployment and underemployment, the cost of special education services, and increased use of the health care system. Prevent Child Abuse America estimated these costs at more than $69 billion per year (2001)

Behavioral Consequences

Not all victims of child abuse and neglect will experience behavioral consequences. However, behavioral problems appear to be more likely among this group, even at a young age. An NSCAW survey of children ages 3 to 5 in foster care found these children displayed clinical or borderline levels of behavioral problems at a rate of more than twice that of the general population (ACF, 2004b). Later in life, child abuse and neglect appear to make the following more likely:

Difficulties during adolescence. Studies have found abused and neglected children to be at least 25 percent more likely to experience problems such as delinquency, teen pregnancy, low academic achievement, drug use, and mental health problems (Kelley, Thornberry, & Smith, 1997). Other studies suggest that abused or neglected children are more likely to engage in sexual risk-taking as they reach adolescence, thereby increasing their chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (Johnson, Rew, & Sternglanz, 2006).

Juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. According to a National Institute of Justice study, abused and neglected children were 11 times more likely to be arrested for criminal behavior as a juvenile, 2.7 times more likely to be arrested for violent and criminal behavior as an adult, and 3.1 times more likely to be arrested for one of many forms of violent crime (juvenile or adult) (English, Widom, & Brandford, 2004).

Alcohol and other drug abuse. Research consistently reflects an increased likelihood that abused and neglected children will smoke cigarettes, abuse alcohol, or take illicit drugs during their lifetime (Dube et al., 2001). According to a report from the National Institute on Drug Abuse, as many as two-thirds of people in drug treatment programs reported being abused as children (Swan, 1998).

Abusive behavior. Abusive parents often have experienced abuse during their own childhoods. It is estimated approximately one-third of abused and neglected children will eventually victimize their own children (Prevent Child Abuse New York, 2003).

There are dozens and dozens of additional examples of how you are affected by child sexual abuse. It’s not just your taxes though. It’s your life and your property since reenactment of childhood victimization is the major cause of violence in our society.

• Numerous-studies have documented that most violent criminals were physically or sexually abused as children. (Groth, 1979; Seghorn et al, 1987)
• Over 95% of perpetrators who sexually abuse female children and over 80% of those who abuse male children, are men. Most of these men were abused themselves in childhood. (Fergusson & Mullen, 1999)
• Children from violent homes are 24 times more likely to commit sexual assault than their counterparts from non-violent homes. (Dinzinger, 1996)
  Of 14 juveniles condemned to death for murder in the US in 1987, 12 had been brutally physically abused and five had been sodomized by relatives as children. (Lewis et al, 1998)
• A study of convicted killers reports 83.8% suffered severe physical and emotional abuse and 32.2% were sexually violated as children. (Blake, 1995)

• The mental health system is filled with survivors of prolonged, repeated childhood trauma.
  50 to 70% of all women and a substantial number of men treated in psychiatric settings have histories of sexual or physical abuse, or both. (Carmen et al, 1984; Bryer et al., 1987; Craine et al., 1988)
• As high as 81% of men and women in psychiatric hospitals with a variety of major mental illness diagnoses, have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse. 67% of these men and women were abused as children. (Jacobson & Richardson, 1987)
• 74% of Maine’s Augusta Mental Health Institute patients, interviewed as class members, report histories of sexual and physical abuse. (Maine BDS, 1998)
• The majority of adults diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (81%) or Dissociative Identity Disorder (90%) were sexually and/or physically abused as children. (Herman et al, 1989; Ross et al, 1990)
• Women molested as children are four times more at risk for Major Depression as those with no such history. They are significantly more likely to develop bulimia and chronic PTSD. (Stein et al, 1988; Root & Fallon, 1988; Sloane, 1986; Craine, 1990)
• 97% of mentally ill homeless women have experienced severe physical and/or sexual abuse. 87% experienced this abuse both as children and as adults. (Goodman, Johnson, Dutton & Harris. (1997)
• 85% of boys and girls committed to the Maine Youth Center report a history of childhood trauma. (MAYSI: Massachusetts Assessment Youth Screening Inventory Assessment. Sept. 1999)
• Over 75% of juvenile girls identified as delinquent by court have been sexually abused. When they run away from the abuse at home, they are often labeled as delinquent. (Calhoun et al 1993)
• 80% of women in prison and jails have been victims of sexual and physical abuse. These women are far more likely to be abused while in prison. (Smith, 1998)
• Without help, one-third of those abused in childhood may abuse or neglect their own children, perpetuating an intergenerational cycle of abuse. (Kaufman, 1987)

I often wonder who and what I could have become had I not been so severely abused. What could I have given to society as a doctor, researcher or educator – all things I wanted to be at one time? I’m healing, but I look around at the quality of my life over the years and grieve at what could have been. You think you’re not affected? You are. You are affected by the loss of all the potential of those folks you encounter. Customer service sucks? Statistically you’re being impacted because at least one-quarter of those people you deal with don’t have the requisite skills they need to do their job because of their background of abuse. As more and more people with abuse issues enter an increasingly high-tech society with higher demands for creative and social skills more people are going to be out of work or become a greater burden on society that is already struggling with a lack of resources.

Many workers don’t even deal or experience the worst of their emotional and psychological issues until their mid 20’s or early 30’s their most productive work years. Add divorce, a bad economy and the usual life stress issues to the mix and if you aren’t a victim of abuse you may be married to one, dating one, divorced from one or employing one. Every facet of your life is affected, from people who don’t understand boundaries, to people who violate yours in small to large ways every day. Your children are engaging with children in school who are being victimized right now. That kid with the drug problem urging your child to try smoking pot or popping pills? Good chance he/she is being molested or abused by someone.

Managers aren’t dealing with the root of the problem. They’re saying, “Get over it, don’t think about it, forget it,” or are asking employees to self-medicate or not take care of themselves in order to deliver work at a level many can’t do because of the abuse.

The educational system thinks the issue is drug and alcohol use and control.

Your neighbors think it’s a moral, religious, personal issue they shouldn’t get involved in. And so it goes on, the illness that affects one person affects us all, whether we realize life is a widget factory or not.

Still think you’re not impacted?

At the time we talked originally I wrote his press release and an ebook. I encouraged him to start a blog. Write about the content in the ebook, I told him. Attract people with your expertise in this field, which was considerable. He said he “didn’t need content” for his website. He was the “expert” in the field and people would just “naturally” gravitate towards him and buy his ebook. Well, the people who bought the book loved it (I wrote it after all), but not enough people were buying it. I repeated my advice and he’s gone off to find a $3 an hour provider on elance to write his content for him. Really? You’d hire someone willing to work for $3 an hour to promote your $250 an hour services?

Since we spoke last he’s heard from “several very smart marketing experts” ($300 an hour for their insight) that he needed to actually blog a few times a week and put content on his page. Hmmmm…it all sounded so familiar. BECAUSE I TOLD HIM THE SAME THING THREE YEARS AGO! All he had was his name, photo and an “About me” link and a few Google ads on the blog. No contact page. No email. No phone number. It’s the internet after all. Someone might steal his identity or spam him. If you wanted to actually hire him you had to snail mail him at a PO Box (Yeah, that looks good) or contact him through his ebook after you bought it. He’s still not ready to commit to himself, his book, his site and his business. He’s bitter. After all, people should “just know” who he is and flock to him. Like I told him, it works that way in small, remote demon infested villages where you’re the only witch-doctor. It doesn’t work that way where you’re one of millions of witch-doctors all vying for the chickens and gold nuggets of the demon infested tribesmen seeking a cure. You have to stand out some way and great content, stellar customer service, help with general questions via social media sites, and networking is how you do that.

I have several other friends who also keep asking me why people are visiting their websites and not coming back or buying anything. One friend has nothing TO buy, no rates, just a vague sort of “I like to help people,” statement.
“Help them what?” I asked.
“You know, with whatever they need.”
“Like?”
“I can do almost anything, gardening tips, life coaching, computer virus eradication and I can help them set up a Word Press blog.”
“Where is that on the web site?”
“It’s not. People just know to ask.”

I’m not sure WHERE people got this “People JUST KNOW” fallacy, but that’s what it is. People DON’T JUST KNOW. They’re busy. They’re stressed. They want things spelled out for them.

“Seriously? If you wanted your car fixed would you Google, ’someone who can do anything,’” to come fix it?”
She blushed.
“That’s different.”
“How is it different? Do you really think people look for ’someone who can do almost anything,’ or do you think they look for ‘computer repairs.”?
“Computer repairs.”
“Uh huh. And that’s not on your website is it? Did I miss it?”
“No.”

These are intelligent, talented, funny, gifted people. They are my friends and I WANT them to succeed. But they’re not getting it.

I look at their sites and although none are as bad as *Don’s (*not his real name) , they all lack the same thing–CONTENT CONTENT CONTENT. They also need a good design, easy navigation, and a few other things, but none of that will matter if they don’t have content.

What really saddens me is that all these folks are great at what they do, but they:

1. Don’t want to share their expertise for free, not even a little bit of it. They think if they “give it away” that no one will pay them for it. Hint: I can read about how to fix my carburetor, toaster, or broken fridge all day long. It  doesn’t mean I can or will fix it myself. If you are a marketing or business consultant, life coach or anyone else with a skill or talent, sharing what you know will BRING you clients who see that you know what you’re talking about and who want you to apply your talent and skills to THEIR unique problem or situation.

Don’t tell them how to fix THEIR specific problem for free. (Unless it’s small, and that can lead to bigger paying projects). But help them. Give them enough information that they can see you DO know what you’re talking about. You can’t show them that if you don’t share your information/expertise with them. Show them you know what you’re talking about. Think of what you do as a Case Study. People can read it, see how a solution worked and be inspired or motivated and impressed by you.

The whole reason they NEED you is BECAUSE you have the skills, background, experience and expertise you do. They are NOT going to magically acquire that because they read your blog. They’ll get tips that can help them, sure, and as those tips work they’re going to say, “Gee, maybe I should hire the dumptruck (YOU) to lay the gravel in my garden rather than carrying it in a handful at a time myself.”

2. Don’t have the time to put into it. I’m sorry. You’re telling me you WANT this success, riches, fame and to sell your stuff, but you DON’T HAVE THE TIME to put into writing content or connecting with people on social media? Get the silver spoon out of your mouth. Climb off your cross and go buy a lottery ticket. You DO NOT have what it takes to succeed as an entrepreneur. Making money online means committing to YOUR business. It means MAKING TIME to blog, to read, to write, to engage. If you can’t do that, or don’t want to do that, then HIRE someone to do it for you. If you can’t afford to do that or don’t want to spend the money, then again, you DO NOT HAVE what it takes to succeed as an entrepreneur. Get a job.

3. Can’t afford it. They say this as they’re booking their flight to Florida or the coast for two weeks at the beach with friends they’re sharing a $2,000 a week beach house with. They can take a cross-country trip to a lobster fest, or attend a concert at $100 per ticket rates plus dinner, cabs, hotel and gas for a $700 weekend for two, or a $500 professional baseball game with the kids and $8 hot dogs, but they “can’t afford” to hire a writer to create the content they want that will make them money over the long haul. Let me repeat myself. You DON’T HAVE what it takes to succeed online. You may have ten degrees, including a law and/or medical degree, but if you don’t do the basic things you need to do to create the kind of site you want, you will NOT succeed in this world.

4. Don’t want to read all that stuff. I send people tips, ebooks, information and videos all the time. Those who watch, read and apply the information consistently, SUCCEED. Those who don’t, don’t. Success is 98% showing up. What they’re really saying is, “I have better, more fun, interesting and exciting things to do than actually work at this internet stuff.” That’s your choice. But don’t email me or call me and ask me to give up my life to do it for you unless you’re willing and able to pay me to do it for you.

5. Think they’re not “expert enough.” I have friends with anywhere from four to six degrees – a veritable alphabet soup after their name and 20, 30, 40 years experience in their field, books, journals and what all, and they all suffer from low self-esteem. I have to ask, “HOW MANY degrees in widget polishing do you really need to have to take money for telling people how to polish widgets without feeling like a fraud?”

I’m always amazed that they all felt competent to have and raise children (some of them three and four kids!) without a degree in childhood education, or medicine, or psychology, but they balk at the idea that being an MBA and a CEO of a company for 5 years qualifies them to tell someone what they can expect if they start a business!! If NOT that, then what does?

“Well I’ve always WORKED for someone, so I haven’t ever really started my own business,” Jack said.
“Do you know about taxes, laws, structuring a business, hiring, contracts and all the stuff that GOES with having a business?” I asked.
“Well yes,” he said. “Of course I do.”
“Then read up on starting a business, figure out what you DON’T know, learn it, then teach it! Or teach the parts of business that you DO know and LOVE.” He brightened at that.
“I really like dealing with contractors,” he said.
So now he’s in the business of working with small business owners helping them navigate the business of finding and hiring contractors.
This is not rocket science. You don’t need your parent’s approval. Just do it.

There ARE ways to “Get Rick Quick.” They are:

• Buy a winning lottery or megaball ticket.
• Steal the money.
• Inherit the money.
• Find the money.
• Print the money yourself (the US Government likes this one).

I hate to break it to you, but getting rich online is like getting rich offline. It involves time, work, effort, networking, sales and customer service. It rarely happens overnight, but for the one-in-million that it happens to, it’s still work. Plus, your odds of winning the lottery are better than your odds of getting rich overnight with an ebook that you haven’t promoted and that no one knows exists. Gamble however you’d like. It’s your money.

I’ve been reading, blogging, posting, writing and learning for the last year. It’s been hard because I’ve also been making a living of sorts while I’ve been learning. I know what works. I know what it takes. It takes TIME. You don’t write five happy-feel-good blog posts and walk away and expect people to fall all over themselves to hire you for  $500 an hour, or $400, or $100 or even $30. Other people don’t want to part with THEIR money any more than you want to part with yours. To get them to do that you have to give them more value and excitement than anything else their money can buy. How do you do that?

Start here. The following content is from Naomi Dunford, owner of Ittybiz.com:

Ittybiz’s FREE MARKETING COURSES: http://ittybiz.com/free-marketing-courses/

No matter what business you’re in, Naomi has free email course designed JUST for you. Same info, but she breaks it down into the jargon/industry you’re in so you can relate, such as:

Marketing for Touchy Feely Airy Fairy Woo Woo Service Providers

I am guessing that you would like to close your office door, put on some soothing music, and softly hum until the clients come to you. Then they’ll tell their friends about you and their friends will send you some money as well, and you will never actually have to utter what you do for a living out loud. Am I right? Have I got it so far?

Marketing for Bloggers: How To Get More Asses in the Seats

You’re reading the blogs. You know the ones. The ones that tell you how you can make six figure Adsense checks? And how to recommend a few products and you can make a few grand a month in affiliate payments? But the part they didn’t get around to mentioning was how to get the people to your blog in the first place. Yeah. We hate that.

Marketing for Coaches and Consultants

Do you remember when you first got into the business of helping people, and you heard about the other guys in your industry making an hourly wage that would pay off your mortgage? And you look back at it and give a little rueful chuckle and think, “I’ll settle for half of that if I can just get some damn clients!” Mmm hmm. Yeah, you’re not the only one.

Marketing for Designers and Other Artsy Fartsy Types

Maybe you went to art school or design school. Maybe you just hang out with people who did. Either way, you’ll know how weird it gets when money comes up. Somewhere along the line, you were quietly promised a life of loft apartments and filterless cigarettes and never having to think about, God help us, SELLING this stuff. Eew.

Marketing for Writers and Wordsmiths

When you were younger, you imagined what writing would be like. Maybe you imagined ink stained fingers, maybe the whirr and click of an IBM Selectric. Maybe — holy banoli! — the orange glow of a 486. You knew it wouldn’t be an easy ride. You knew it would be tough. You just didn’t know it would be THIS tough.

Marketing for Geeks and Techie Types

You like code. And numbers. And things that make sense. You dig databases and back ends and compiling stuff. You do not dig things that seem wildly illogical and emotional and impractical like how to make people feel nice when they’re sending you money. This one’s for people who speak Geek.

* * * * * *

Did you notice? Naomi is a freaking god when it comes to a clever and pissy turn-of-phrase. I get NOTHING if you go to her site and buy her stuff. She is the marketing wizard and where I learned a lot of my stuff. The aliens pumped the rest in, but Naomi laid the groundwork. She sells books and consulting and stuff too. NOTICE. She has TONS AND FREAKING TONS of FREE info! But she’s able to eat more than Ramen noodles and water for dinner now. Why? Because she DID the work, busted her ass and paid the price successful people pay, the price you’re trying to find at bargain basement rates. Not going to happen. So get over it.

Naomi rocks at what she does. I rock at what I do, but unless YOU listen, read and do the work or PAY someone to do it, or find a terminally co-dependent and talented slave to work for you for free (I’m no longer available, sorry), you have two choices: Do it yourself, or Get a job and bitch about how hard it is to be your own boss. I can’t help you. I’ve done all I can, as has Ed Gandia, Naomi and The Freelancers Academy. They are EXCELLENT models of how it can be done honestly, ethically, authentically and over-the-top. But it’s also a lot of work and none of them did it overnight.

When you’re serious about doing this, let me know. If you’re not. Good luck at that day job. Drop me a note every now and then and let me know how that’s working for you.

Am I angry this week? Hell yeah. I’ve been angry all month. And as some of the country mourns the death of Elvis today, I have to say I’m mourning the death of customer service across America. For the past week I’ve been unsubscribing and cancelling memberships I don’t use and streamlining my life, so I can focus on ONE thing–me. I’ve done, given and helped thousands of people and loved every minute of it, but now it’s time to finish MY book and spend time on me. If you have $150 an hour to spend on me for your stuff, I’m still accepting new clients. I don’t do free anymore. Sorry.

However, the road to good things is paved with cobblestones from hell, customer service hell. First there was the Hostgator nightmare, 8 MONTHS of it. Hostgator, like I said in that blog post, was spitting out canned emails like horny rabbits spit out bunnies, like rap singers spit out profanity, like conspiracy theorists spit out alien and UFO stories. like Martha Stewart spits out tacky Christmas decorations. They’re not alone in their relentless drive to annoy customers.

This morning I woke up to find that The Biggest Loser Club did not cancel my account with them when I called three months ago. So they charged me another $59.94. I called and got a rep who tried to convince me to stay, but I said no, so he cancelled my account again (I hope) and said it would be THREE WEEKS before they could refund my money!

I am going to tweet for three weeks about this…or longer…whatever it takes to get my money back within 72 HOURS. What part of piss me and your customers off don’t businesses understand? I hope their popularity and business will “drop faster than a gown on prom night” (Thanks Betsy for that lovely turn of phrase), but I doubt it will. So I’m being proactive. Here are ways to STOP businesses from charging your credit card. Fight back.

Use a prepaid debit or gift card to buy services. ONLY load the amount you need to make the purchase or sign up. If they don’t take debit cards they’re not a legitimate company interested in your business. If you are happy with their service you can always change the billing arrangements later and use a credit or bank card. This way when you cancel and they try to ding you for money you have their attention.

Businesses don’t, as a rule, respond to customers. They respond to money. Forget expecting minimum wage cubicle monkeys to give a damn about you. They don’t. The ones who do care don’t stay cubicle monkeys for long. They become supervisors who suddenly stop giving a damn now that they’re at the top of the very short food chain, or they wise up and start their own businesses. What you get when you call most customer service reps at any company in America is a company in India.

You have to protect yourself. NEVER EVER EVER sign up for anything where you have to provide a credit card number. Just don’t. Get your 30-day trial, and if you don’t use it, let it lapse and be done with it. If someone requires money from you to test their product or try their business they are so 1980s. Tell them there are 500 other companies with the same service willing to let you try before you buy and that you’ll be moving on.

I’m over it. So, apparently, is Bob Poole. Thanks Bob. You inspire me.