I just found out I’m on the cover of We Are All Weird, a new book by Seth Godin. Seth, if you didn’t know, is a business and marketing genius and the reason for my getting the votes I needed to win Dan Pink’s contest and to go to TED Global 2009 and speak at Oxford. He’s also the author of 13 best-selling business books. He rocks.

I’m third from the right on the top row – easier to see in the photo below. This matters to me because I’m on a book about weirdness first – so cool. And secondly and most importantly really, because I’m part of the story, part of Triiibes.com, Seth’s social media network (More about that in a minute). And, I’m there with several friends of mine from Triiibes.com. Friends like: Tom Bentley, the man with the Mark Twain tattoo. Tom is one of the most gifted writers and story tellers I know. Pat Ferdinandi, the Parrot lady – that’s her in the Parrot costume at the bottom, Bob Poole, the man with the lizard on his forehead, are all remarkable, funny people and I’m proud to call them friends and to share such a great cover as well.

I think the reason it rocks the most is not that it’s Seth’s book as much as it that I’m part of a larger story. I’m part of Triiibes.com. The cover is a part of our experience together over the past few years that is centered around Seth and triiibes.com. I don’t know of a lot of other social media groups I’m part of that were started, nurtured and encouraged by the person who started the group in order to further the participant’s lives and business, to explore what it means to be creative and a business person and to learn to share and give and help, and not just to support and further the founder’s interest.

Triiibes is for the benefit of the participants, not for Seth. He benefits from it, but that’s not the goal. I embrace triiibes because of that fact, because it’s all about people, and it’s not an excuse to sell books or speaking engagements or tickets to something. All that comes about as a result, but it’s not the intent or the purpose. And that’s the difference that matters, the difference I try to convey to my customers, the difference that highly successful people understand – that by making it all about your customer’s best interests first, you benefit too. Seth gets it. I get it. Many of those I work with get it. Fear, greed and worry about scarcity kill opportunity. Trust there will be enough and there will be. Share, give. Take care of yourself of course, but not to the extent that when you show up people wonder more about what you want, than what you have to offer.

Give. And one day you too may end up on a book cover with people with literary tattoos, wearing parrot costumes, balancing lizards on their foreheads and kissing a Rottweiler. And you’ll understand why it’s about the bonds, not the book. The book just explains them, the cover celebrates them.

That’s right. They want me to give up two to three hours of my time (or more) to read and review and blog and promote their book, but they want me to BUY the book to do so. For most of you the problem with this arrangement is obvious, but for many authors apparently, it’s not. Why? Because:

1. They truly fear that someone reading their already published book will “STEAL” the idea, or the book and make a million off of their hard work. There’s a medical term for this, it’s called paranoid.

2. They think that if they can get 100 people to BUY their book AND review it that the book will go viral.

3. Someone told them that the only way a person will honestly review a book is if they buy it. Wrong. I’m sorry, my opinion cannot be swayed either way by the gift of a digital file or even a $14.95 paperback.

4. They’re greedy. They just don’t understand reciprocity. I’m not going to give you one to three or four hours of my time valued to me at $150 an hour unless you can part with a hard copy of a paperback that cost you $3.50 to have printed and $2 to mail (media mail). If you can’t swing $6 bucks to promote your book, then good luck with selling it. I’m the one doing YOU a HUGE favor, not the other way around.

Authors, review copies are part of the cost of promoting your book. Do not ever ask a reviewer to BUY a copy to review. Most reviewers CHARGE you $50 and three free copies to formally review and post a book. Consider that the best advertising you can buy (if they’re a good reviewer).

Free BOOK:
See the book in the photo above? It’s mine. I’m giving it away to the first 1,000 people to sign up for it. Send me an email at freebook@octoberabduction.com and I’ll add you to the list. Put FREE BOOK in the subject line. Go to http://octoberabduction.com/2011/08/05/279/ and pre-order the first book for .99 cents and you’ll get ALL 40 books FREE (digital copy only). Why? Because I want/need 1,000 people to read the book and hopefully love it enough to tell their friends about it. That’s how you promote your book. You get readers, people who love it and who will tell other people about it. If it’s good, it will sell.

You’re worried that people will pass on their free copies to other people and no one will buy it? Don’t you do the same with paperbacks? Loan them to friends? What happens? It spreads the word. For every one who sends a book to a friend two or three will buy it. The more people who are talking about it, the more who will buy it. It’s all a win for you. Why are you so greedy? A digital file cost NOTHING. Anything you make, from .99 cents on up, is profit for you. So give your books away. If you want someone to review your book send them a link to a dropbox where they can download a copy if they want it.

I’m happy to read your book and review it, or offer you suggestions on how/where to promote it. Most people who love to read will do that. If you want me to take on the job of promoting your book, meaning more than offering you suggestions and specific strategies, then you need to pay me, or you need to pay whomever you are asking to do that. It’s a JOB. It’s WORK. It has VALUE for you thus it is something that should require compensation. I can tell you, based on what and who I know as a journalist, writer, former assistant advertising director for a Fortune 500 company, who is most likely to take your book and run with it and who is not. I’m willing to give you a chunk of my experience and expertise. I’m not willing to work for free (as many, many, many would be authors expect).

Do you want me to promote, review your book or app?

Then here’s the drill. When you ask me to review your book I need a copy of the book, paperback or digital (kindle or any epub file) file is up to you. I WILL NOT PROMOTE a book, any book, without having read it first. I don’t care who you are. It’s my reputation on the line and I value it so don’t even ask. In return for the copy of your book I’ll read it, post a review, tweet it to my 1,400 followers and if it’s really, really good I’ll tell my agent about it. Not bad for about .50 an hour your cost.

Do NOT expect me to read and review the book in the next 48 hours. It goes on a list and gets reviewed when I get to it. Don’t sweat this because if you get 20 people all reviewing your book at the same time, the same week then the next week there’s nothing. Having reviews trickle in all year round keeps your name on the net, up front and current. That’s what you want. It keeps the promotion going much better than hitting the market all at once.

Follow up with me to see when I post it, then when I do, tweet the post to your friends, comment on it and post it on your Facebook page. Not only does that generate traffic to my site, helping me, it also helps you promote your own book by stirring up interest in it. People want to read what others are saying about you and about the book. It’s a win-win. You have to do YOUR part as well for it to work. Just sending out the book doesn’t mean your job is done.

The long tail of this is, when I see a HARO request for someone who has written a book, or knows something about the topic I will forward that to you so you can follow up and take advantage of a free media opportunity. You and your book become part of my connections and I will continue to hook you up when the opportunity arises. You can’t place a value on that because it could be millions, but those are the sorts of things that cause you to end up on national television or in a major magazine. The LACK of those opportunities and connections and heads up opp’s are what your greedy little, “I don’t send out free review copies” will COST you. Your choice. It’s no skin off my nose.

What I will NOT DO: I will not do the heavy lifting for you, at least not for free. And trust me, there are people who work much cheaper than I will to do the grunt work of contacting people and sending out books and getting others to review your book. I will not give you a step-by-step how-to promotional package. Those take 6-8 hours minimum to prepare and in general? As much as I may like you and your book/app, you are not worth that kind of time to me unless you are paying me for it.

I will say, “These are the organizations who are interested in this kind of material. Here are a couple of websites and the angle I would take in approaching them.” It’s up to YOU to Google the organizations, find the contact name, write the emails, do the follow-up and request the interview, unless you want to pay me to do that for you. THAT is the heavy lifting.

If your book or app is awesome, world rocking or something fun to promote and I KNOW there is going to be a lot of interest in it and it has legs just because it’s so awesome, I will do more because then it becomes easier for me and beneficial for me because I can help other people as well as you.

“Be kind to strangers for unawares, you may be entertaining an angel.”

John Oysterman was a man of the sea, a wise man, a nut job and 100% enigma. He was part Yoda, part Donald Shimoda, and part Mr. Miyagi. If you know the genre well, then you recognize it merely brings the hero’s journey to life through characters who embody the steps or stages of that journey. From Star Wars to Illusions, to Karate Kid, or any of the “Coming of Age,” movies and books, what makes them memorable is how believable the characters are and how easily we’re drawn into the wisdom that already lies within us.

What I noticed and why I decided to write The Oysterman, is that in all these wisdom genre books men are the “hero” and women play a supporting role. Not so in this book. Women can have moments of awakening as well. And don’t think that teachers are only male either. Anna meets many teachers of both genders along the way.

I think “The Oysterman” series will appeal to anyone who likes a good read, an adventure and a suspension of reality – or maybe better – a foray into an alternate reality. Book One of a four-part series is almost finished and I’m setting up the website this week, and working with an editor the end of the month to make it happen. I plan to post it on Kindle and Amazon by Sept. 1, 2011. That’s the goal I’ve set for myself anyway! Hoping you enjoy it. My blog posts may dwindle over the next three weeks, but now you know why. Regular reader? I’ll be posting a free excerpt and a discounted (.99 cent) price to anyone on my email list – so please sign up (sign up form is to the right) now. And thank you all for your support!

Fools are some of the smartest people I know. I know. I used to be one and still am from time-to-time. Fools are also some of the most talented, brightest and seemingly intelligent people in the room. Yet they are still fools and I’ve learned that talking to them, or acting like one, hurts me more than it helps.

What is a fool? I’m using Dr. Henry Cloud’s definition from his most recent book, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward

“A fool is someone who does not take ownership of the problems they are responsible for.”

I stopped talking to fools because I realized that it makes ME a nag, and it doesn’t change the situation at all. I stopped being a fool because I realized it was hurting me. People were offering me gifts and I was throwing them back in their face!

For example, have you ever had an employee, or a spouse, or a friend who claims they are never wrong or never at fault? That’s the sign of a fool.

I have a friend who was (and still is) convinced that her projects fail because there are no good service providers. It’s never her problem – she is always the unhappy recipient of  the wrong people, the wrong team and the wrong “experts.” She constantly bemoans the fact that no one meets deadlines, no one “sees” her vision and that no one is worth all the money she pays them.

I refuse to work with her because when it comes to work, she’s a fool. I don’t mind going to lunch with her, but I don’t talk work with her anymore. Why? She can’t hear, absorb or take in feedback about why the people she hires and the things she does fail. I have explained several times WHY her projects don’t get completed and why she is always upset with the people she hires. But she won’t listen. She won’t own the behavior and attitudes that she has that keep her from seeing projects completed successfully. What I’ve explained the problem is:

(1) She pairs her friends, like a woman who went to school with her who is “dabbling” in design, to work with professionals who know their stuff and are used to meeting deadlines. Her “designer” friend relies on her “muse” to speak and can’t deal with deadlines, doesn’t know what a wire-frame is, and has no desire to make her design a real “job,” but still wants to “help” her friends on the rare occasion she creates a design that works. That’s fine, until you try to hire professionals to work with her. It’s like hiring a sophomore with dreams of med school to assist on a heart surgery operation. Rather than simply taking her friend’s design and handing it to the professionals she wants her friend to “have a voice” in what happens and in any changes and so on. If you’re a designer or a professional creative you see where this train wreck is heading right?

The professionals spend hours explaining the design basics this woman would get in school – if she would go to school, and then of course charge my friend for their time once they realize this isn’t another professional who needs to be pointed in the right direction, but someone who actually needs their hand held through the whole process. Her inexperience delays the projects and results in cost overruns and all kinds of hassles. It’s like dealing with the son of the boss who knows he can’t be fired.

(2) My friend has deadlines she expects her providers to meet, yet she never meets THEIR deadlines for her. “I’m the one who’s paying,” she says. “They need to work around me.” Nice thought, but you can’t expect someone to deliver a project 24-hours after you give them materials they needed two-weeks ago.

(3) When professionals learn about her arrangements the smart ones turn her down – earning her ire. She’s convinced THEY are “inflexible.”

Then there’s the co-worker (I’ve had many like these) who is never at fault. If the report isn’t done, the story isn’t finished, the project not wrapped up – someone else is at fault – even if they were the ones supervising the project.
“I called the mayor once and he hasn’t called me back,” a reporter I worked with would say. Unlike most reporters who hound their subjects for a quote, he was reluctant to call more than once. His stories were consistently weak or canned all together because he couldn’t get hold of people. But he blamed the people he called. “They didn’t get back to me. They didn’t answer my email. They didn’t give me the information I needed. That’s not my beat.”

The rest of us found other sources, kept calling or emailing or showed up in person with notebook in hand. It’s what the job demands. He didn’t last long. When he was fired he blamed the editor for not spending enough time with him, not training him, and so on – which might have been true – but he also never asked for help and turned it down when it was offered. In spite of feedback and help from all of us he would not own his inability to do the job.

Fools, Cloud says, “Reject feedback, resist it, explain it away and do nothing to adjust to the reality of the situation. A fool tries to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it.” Being foolish has nothing to do with brains and everything to do with owning your responsibility and your reality.

It’s hard to hear feedback, especially if it’s critical and especially if it hurts or we really don’t want to hear it. If we’re lucky we’re on the receiving end of feedback from someone who understands that and offers it in a loving, caring way. But even if we’re not, it’s still important to understand that feedback – even from a troll or jerk – may have some truth to it. You don’t have to make the troll a hero for happening to hit on the truth, but you’re a fool if you don’t spot the reality in the remark and act on it. The other day a reader wrote to point out all the misspellings on my blog. I thanked her. She had taken time out of her life and day to do that and to let me know. It was a gift. I hate having those errors, but they’re there and it’s up to me to fix them. I know people who would rage and be offended by the same offer. They’re fools. Feedback, even the hard stuff, is a gift. Remember that when you’re giving it and when you’re getting it – no matter how it stings or how hard it is to hear. Thank the giver and then crawl away to lick your wounds and consider the feedback if you must, but accept it graciously and gratefully.

Cloud lists all the traits of fools in his book. Here are a few:

When given feedback fools are defensive and immediately come back at you with reason why whatever happened is not their fault. If you’ve ever told an alcoholic their drinking is out of control their response might be, “Well, you’re fat, or who are you to point a finger?!” or something to deflect the reality of their drinking behavior. They may externalize the mistake and blame someone else – “I wouldn’t drink so much if you weren’t such a nag.”

When you give a wise person feedback talking through the issue strengthens your relationship with them. When you give feedback to a fool it only creates conflict, alienation or a breach in the relationship.

Sometimes the energy shifts and they make YOU the problem.

The fool will minimalize a problem – saying, “So I drove the car through the back of the garage. What’s the big deal? I can fix it in a weekend.”

They rationalize the problem, coming up with excuses about why it’s not their fault or problem or why they’re not responsible.

Their emotional reaction has nothing to do with remorse and they usually have no awareness or concern for the problems and pain their failure to take responsibility has on other people, including the one giving them feedback.

They see themselves as the victim and you and anyone else who gives them feedback as the “bad guys.”

Cloud’s advice for how to handle talking to fools? Stop talking to them.

At least stop talking to them about the problem. Start talking to them about how the fact is that no change is happening and that is the problem. Once you take that route you must then do two things – impose limits and consequences to stop the fool dead in their tracks. Until THEY feel the pain of their actions, they won’t change.

For instance, if you have a teen-age son who is not taking out the trash and your nagging (nagging is simply the act of talking to a fool) isn’t working you have to impose limits and consequences – “Chores around the house are how we all contribute to the household running well and unless you’re too sick to move, chores are mandatory not elective. Your chore is the trash. The trash needs to be taken out every night after supper. If it’s not taken out you can’t use the car.” Then don’t nag. When the trash is not taken out then neither is the car. If you give an allowance, or have some other consequence for failing to do a chore, use that. When people suffer consequences for their actions they change, comply or leave.

It’s a simple strategy really.

“Quit talking about the problem and clearly communicate that because talking is not helping, you’re going to take steps to protect what is important to you,” Cloud says.

“Give limits that stop the collateral damage of their refusal to change, and where appropriate, give consequences that will cause them to feel the pain of their choice not to listen.”

While we can all jump on the bandwagon let’s also look in the mirror. Are YOU ever the fool? Do you react and get defensive when someone approaches you with feedback and tries to show you where you’re failing? Or do you get all huffy, angry and defensive? Not everyone is able to give honest, caring feedback. Hearing, “You’re such a clusterf–k. If you’d stop _____, then this sh** wouldn’t happen,” may be honest feedback, but it’s also triggering for most of us – making us feel angry, hurt or defensive – not at the feedback, but at the abusive criticism of us. But when someone is honestly caring and concerned, how do you respond? If you can’t say, “You know, you’ve got a point there, I am doing this all wrong,” then at least say, “I appreciate your feedback. I need some time to think about it. Maybe we can talk about this tomorrow?” and then go deal with your wounded pride and hurt feelings.

At least consider what your friend/boss/client has to say. Keep the conversation going. Good feedback is a gift. The other day I asked about form when doing calf raises. My trainer said, “I think when you point your toes like on this exercise it puts a lot of unnecessary strain on your knees.” That was good feedback and I’d asked for it. I’d been trained to do the exercise like that by other weightlifters and the first response was to say, “Well, that’s how so-and-so showed me how to do it….” but I bit my tongue. She was right. I thanked her for the feedback. It didn’t matter where I learned it or who taught it to me. I was the one doing it and she had just offered me a gift – instruction on how to do it right.

When a client sent back a document the other day and said, “My last writer did ____ and _____ and I found out that makes it easier for me.” I didn’t respond with, “Well, I do it like this.” I considered that feedback and said, “That’s good to know. I want to make things easier for you. I haven’t done it that way before but I’m willing to give it a shot. It may improve my method.” The client seemed relieved and said, “Oh good. If it’s a problem, let me know and we’ll figure out something else.” The method worked well and I’ve incorporated it into my routine now – something that wouldn’t have happened if I rejected the feedback. The exchange brought us closer together too since he saw I was open to working together and communicating to solve a problem. Fools never get that chance to build a relationship. Wise men/women do.

You can’t set limits and consequences unless you have good boundaries and unless you’re strong enough to enforce those boundaries. Cloud has an entire chapter on fools, and on wise people and on evil people. Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forwardis the best book I’ve read in a long time. I suggest you check it out.

Never say never because HOPE ALWAYS FINDS A WAY.
By that I mean never say miracles never happen. Never say “It won’t get better.” Miracles happen and it does get better. And yes, “Hope does find a way.”

Three years before that photo was taken I was living in a van in a Walmart parking lot – one of America’s invisible homeless. See my TED video here.

But I’m skipping ahead. I got to TED through a very circuitous route, one even the best writer couldn’t invent. Truth is stranger than fiction!!

Several years ago, shortly after having gotten OFF of the street (thanks to a well-timed remark by former journalist and Senior Vice President of NBC, Tim Russert) I signed up with elance.com. I began ghost writing ebooks for strangers through that site. I won a bid from a buyer who wanted me to “Write a book like Seth Godin.” I had no idea who Seth Godin was, but I Googled him, went to Barnes & Noble to spend the day reading all the books of his they had. I bought one – something about a Red Fez. And I studied his style and his voice and I wrote the ebook, made a couple hundred bucks and that was that.

I also signed up for Seth’s blog because I liked what he had to say about purple cows and business and being remarkable. Then I noticed he had some sort of contest or internship thing going on so I sent him my application and a letter and was shocked when he personally responded. The deadline had passed, but he didn’t blow me off or send a canned email. We chatted via email a few times, he seemed authentic and so when he invited readers to buy his book Tribes and sign up for a social network by the same name, only with three “i’s” (Triiibes.com) I literally scraped together my last $15 dollars or whatever and bought the book. I came so close to choosing groceries over the book, but something told me to buy the book. It changed my life.

Long story short - I thrived online in Seth’s new social media group http://triiibes.com, and I finally found the creative, passionate and authentic people and voices I’d needed for so long. One of those folks told me about a contest a friend of Seth’s was having and sent me a link to the site. I entered. Seth’s friend, Dan Pink, author of Drive, and The Adventures of Johnny Bunko (the book I wish I had written since I live my life by those six lessons) turned out to pick me as one of three finalists for the contest. The “winner” would have to get the most votes – first prize was a trip to TED Global. I was only vaguely aware of what TED was, but I urged friends to vote for me. It was a very close contest. Then, at the last minute Seth, unasked by me, stepped in and asked his readers to vote for me and I won by a landslide. Amazing. I won an all-expense paid trip to TED Global in Oxford, England courtesy of Dan Pink. Then another opportunity popped up – submit a story idea for a talk for the chance to be selected to SPEAK at TED! I was selected. The stars aligned. My friend Patty Newbold listened to me scream, “I’m speaking at TED!!!” for about 20 minutes and then promptly pushed me to write and rewrite and rewrite my speech until I had it as good as she imagined I was capable of. (I wrote it in my van of course – the one I’d been homeless in for almost 18 months).

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS LONG POST!!!

The TED talk was very well received, which put me in contact with some amazing people, including Bob Poole, who introduced me recently to Tim Brownson who, along with co-author John Strelecky wrote and are giving away one million paper back books to people who are homeless, unemployed, underemployed, sick, disabled, recovering from illness or surgery or who just plain need a hand up, not a hand out. He thought we might have something in common – like helping people. We did.

By the way, if you are a charity or other organization that works with folks like that – you can get a case (or more!) of the books free – just by paying shipping charges. You can’t sell them – there’s a printed disclaimer on the book they’re not to be sold. But you can change a life by giving them away. $20 pays for a case of 60 books. Or buy a book for yourself for $25 and that $25 goes to pay for the printing of more books.

Serendipity has no end. It keeps building and building. I came home from the gym one evening and found an urgent message from Rabbi Issamar Ginzberg - who lives in Israel, but whom I met through HARO (Thank you Peter Shankman) when I responded to one of his requests for help. The Rabbi had purchased a “I Wear Your Shirt” day through I Wear Your Shirt, and he couldn’t use it. He explains all this through his blog post today – PLEASE click through and read it.

He asked if I knew anyone who could, and of course I thought of TIM!!! So the Rabbi graciously and generously GAVE his day to Tim to promote “How to Be Rich and Famous” – the giveaway to help people. I told Christina Ciani about it, Christina is an amazing writer, single mom and author of her most recent book “F-Bombs for Single Moms” (It’s not what you think, so check it out. F = Frugal, F=Fun, F = lots of things besides, well…you know.) Well, she got all excited and SHE bought a couple of cases of books and started handing them out…and then posted photos of the people she gave them to on her blog!

So, all this HELPING people is spreading…a LOT. And we need YOUR HELP to  make it spread even more. Please tweet or post any of our blogs about Tim’s book to your people, your blog, your facebook page and help us help people who truly want to change their lives. Tim’s book is fantastic – awesome and the best step-by-step method for becoming happy (and even rich) that I’ve ever read. I’m not getting paid to help distribute this book. Tim and John are paying for it out of their pocket, and all of us, the Rabbi, Christina, Tina Stull (a Christian, female drag car racer) and Stand-Up for Kids.org (helping homeless kids get off the street) are all helping get the books out there. If you don’t want to hand out books, then please donate $5, $10 or $20 to Tim’s site so we can send those organizations cases of books so THEY can give them out.

What begin as a simple request to “Write like Seth Godin” has become an amazing journey across the world to help others. Please blog, tweet and keep sharing the message of hope. I had it and look what happened! From living in a Walmart parking lot to speaking at Oxford at TED Global, to reaching thousands of people around the U.S.A  – because like I said in my talk, “HOPE ALWAYS FINDS A WAY!!”

I’ve been reading and rereading Dr. Henry Cloud’s book Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward. If you know me you know I am an avid and passionate Henry Cloud fan and LOVE all his books.

This particular book is about “Endings,” what they are, how we navigate them, why we avoid them. It’s about what we can learn from ending the jobs, the relationships and the projects and dreams that all of us have to give up in order to move forward. It is amazing stuff – as usual! Near the end of the book Cloud talks about people who are business hoarders. They hang onto things, a business division, employees, managers, resources etc. that aren’t serving them, but to whom they can’t bear to part with. It really shook me to realize that I may not have a big business, but I am a project and people hoarder. I hang onto dozens of projects and many friendships or past friendships because the thought of giving them up is painful.

In a way I share the same disorder of several friends who are serious stuff hoarders. They will spend money they really don’t have to spend to acquire other people’s junk. They don’t use the stuff they buy at yard sales or auctions. They put it in their garage or house or yard or even rent storage units when their own homes are full to capacity. They can’t get to the bathroom or kitchen and often sleep on a couch because the bed is covered with “stuff.” They hang onto things that no longer serve them, that have no purpose, that merely occupy space. They will hold onto something saying, “just in case I might need it” even if they haven’t needed it for more than 20 years, or couldn’t find it if they did need it. They won’t let friends into their homes and are deeply embarrassed by their condition, but refuse to seek treatment for it.

I may not collect stuff, but I have projects, people and promises piling up in my mind and file cabinets like they have stuff piling up in their homes! I say “No,” to things because _____ might call and need my help; or I send out a periodic email to several friends who started ebook projects with me but who have become distracted or bored. I am spending time/money holding onto something that has no value for either of us now. Time to let it go.

Hoarders often collect things like empty drink cups, wrappers from microwave meals they’ve had. For some unfathomable reason they can’t get rid of anything without experiencing severe emotional distress. They are often even reluctant or unable to return stuff they have borrowed from others! It’s not that they use the stuff – it’s that they can’t dispose of it. Like most people who experience hoarders, I am both fascinated and distressed by the life they lead. Outside of their home, in a work situation etc. they appear totally normal. They are administrative assistants, teachers, bankers, attorneys and even one who is a “professional organizer.” As Cloud says in his book, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward, hoarders have one of two thoughts or responses to why they hoard – “I might need that,” or “I might miss that.” Both, Cloud says, are “medicating thoughts.”

“Medicating thoughts numb the anxiety that comes with making a decision to part with something they are attached to.” – Henry Cloud

The book made me painfully aware of the fact that I cling to relationships (business and professional) that no longer serve me, but to whom I’m emotionally attached. Just like a hoarder clings to her collection of used diapers from her now 30-something-year-old son I am reluctant to clear the poopy-diaper clutter of people, projects and regrets out of my life.

When I was 34 I looked up from a stack of Christmas cards I was sending out and realized that I had just spent more than $200 on stamps, cards and envelopes and wouldn’t be able to pay my rent that month because I felt compelled to “keep up” with all these people – many of whom I had no real relationship with! Out of the 150+ cards I sent out that year I think I received maybe 20 cards in return, none of them with personal notes – many with only a pre-printed signature! The following year I guiltily sent out cards to those 20. The year after that I stopped sending cards all together. The world did not end and on one called to complain! The shame and pain of not “keeping up my hoarded relationships” was all in my mind!

Now I send holiday cards to maybe five people a year. I hand pick or even hand craft the cards and I send them when I want to – not just because it’s Christmas and not out of obligation. I do send thank you cards because I do express gratitude!

The cards and postcards I send I send because the people I send them to matter. I don’t send them just because I feel compelled to stay in touch or because it’s expected. I send them because I’m thinking of the person, or because I care, or because I just enjoy the card and want to share it! It’s not always received well or in the intent it was sent – someone I sent three post cards to last summer in the two weeks I was on the road reacted angrily – saying it was “too much.” So I merrily crossed them off my list and out of my life and am the happier for it – not something I could have done a few years ago, but am relieved to do now. My time matters to me now and I don’t want to share it with poopy-diapers!

Letting go of the annual or even obligatory card ritual at that time was more freeing than anything I’ve ever done in my life. It’s time to revisit that practice. Thinking back on that this month I decided to examine my relationships and see if I was people and project hoarding in other areas of my life. I am! What relationships and “friends,” I asked, are a drain on me – not because THEY are leeches, but because I have tucked the relationship away believing that one day I may need it? What relationships have I clung to thinking that the person may change, may get help, or may grow up or get their act together? Who have I stayed in touch with because I believe that person will suddenly and miraculously become trustworthy after years of lying to me?! What relationships and projects am I avoiding ending because by saying good-bye to it I will miss it too much? Wow. More than I thought!

There’s the old boyfriend/fiancee I haven’t heard from in 30-years who slapped me during an argument. He was telling me about his decision that I would drop out of school and stay home and be barefoot and pregnant after I first worked to put him through school. I interrupted his pipe dream with a laugh and a remark that hell would freeze over first before I put his ass through school and got screwed like my mother did. His reaction was to hit me. My reaction was to break the engagement and leave. Yet, I kept thinking he’d realize one day what a jerk he was and would email and apologize. Not going to happen. Twenty years ago I heard from a mutual friend that he beat his wife and six kids, so why do I let him stay rent free in my thoughts – even in a small corner in my brain? No more!

There are the “fair weather friends” who only call, email or contact me when they need or want something or suspect I may be on the verge of fame and fortune and who dial in to check on what they think will be their sugar-momma friend one day. I just tossed the whole worthless lot of them to the curb. They are never going to be real friends and since there’s a glut of shallow people on the market I’m sure I can pick up a dozen more flaky losers anywhere if I ever really decide I need them.

There are the two or three alcoholics in my life, former friends and co-workers or lovers who are friendly enough when I run into them out and about, but who have no desire to quit drinking or to quit lying about it and everything else to me. I love them, but I am not going to keep putting energy in their direction. There are far more people who would welcome the attention and caring. The medicating thought I had about them was, “What if they decide to get sober and need me? What if they get healthy and I’m not there to be their friend?” Well hell – if that happens they know where to find me – but chances are really good they’re not going to come looking and that even if they went into treatment today it would years before the trust could begin. Besides, it’s not my job to worry about them. If they want my help they’ll ask. Meanwhile there are sober recovering people who want to be my friend NOW!

So, I’m going down the list and being pretty methodical about it. Being a recovering, co-dependent rescuer to begin with, this whole thing made me feel kind of panicky at first, but it’s getting easier as I go along. It’s a lot like that Christmas card list. I can eliminate the majority of people in my life that I have tucked away and keep putting energy and thought into for no real reason. It’s not about if they’ll “be of use to me,” someday. It’s about whether or not there’s a real relationship there. There are plenty of people I’m keeping who will never be able to contribute skills, money, etc. to my life, but they are caring, loving, generous and amazing people who inspire me and I want to keep up with them. There are people who have given me much more than I have given – but who did so out of selfish and self-serving reasons while trying to “buy” my attention and affection. Them I’m tossing too.

Once my “relationship rooms” are cleared and cleaned and organized I may have to go through them a few more times to ensure I’m only keeping the people and relationships that truly matter. That’s okay. It’s worth it. There will be room for so many more that way – relationships and people that bring true joy to me – and not just a feeling of obligatory reciprocity.

How about you? Are you a people hoarder? Do you hang onto projects, dreams and things that you know you’ll never get back to – but still tell yourself, “I might need this,” or “I might miss this.” If you are – read Dr. Cloud’s book. And then start cleaning house. If really does feel a lot better when the clutter is gone!

Maybe it was Kevin Costner’s lop-sided smile, or humble charm, or his puppy-dog eyes that got people’s attention. Or maybe it was his authenticity, or his passion for something no one else understood that got people to visit his baseball diamond in an Iowa corn field. But I don’t believe it was the field itself.

“Build it and they will come,” is arguably the most famous line from the 1989 movie, “Field of Dreams,” but what we remember is not Costner’s field, or his mantra. What we remember is his struggle, his actions, his pain and his passion. We identify with the feeling that following one’s passion is often misunderstood at least, and ridiculed at worst. We admire the person who encounters both but forges on anyway. That struggle, not a baseball field, is why they really came.

The field itself only symbolizes his story and his journey. The field is a tangible place of the emotional journey he took within himself.

I was immediately reminded of that when I offered to help authors John Strelecky and Tim Brownson get their book “How to Be Rich and Happy,” out to the homeless, the unemployed, the single moms, those recovering from an accident or injury, those who are struggling, are disabled, are in poverty. The book is totally free. Yes. FREE. No strings attached. It’s not an ebook. It’s a paperback book and it rocks. It’s well written, down-to-earth, practical and has all the steps – the entire formula in fact – for how to become, well, rich and famous. It’s not about wealth in terms of becoming a millionaire – although that could happen. It’s about stopping, taking stock and acting on your values.

It’s the kind of advice I wish someone had given me in my teens, or 20’s. I love it. I wish every homeless person, single mother, welfare mother, struggling student or anyone who has to count their change before getting a burger at McDonald’s, could read it. For the first three chapters of the book click here to download the PDF. How_to_be_Rich_and_Happy_Free_Download

They can if you will help me help Tim and John. If you are a non-profit organization, group, church or other group or individual who works with:

Homeless people
Single mothers
Welfare families
Unemployed
Underemployed
Disabled
Veterans

Go to http://richandhappy.com. Make a $25 donation (that pays for the shipping of one case of 60 books). Email Tim at Tim (at) richandhappy dot com (you know the drill – this is spelled out to foil internet bots) and let him know you donated $25, and give him your name and mailing address (no PO Boxes please), the name of your organization or how you work with the people above so he can verify you’re legit, and tell him how many cases ($25 for shipping EACH CASE) you need.

Tina Stull of Tina Stull Racing is getting 1,000 copies that she agreed to hand out – she’s a friend so I’m raising/paying the $350 for shipping (if you want to kick in a $1 or $5 with a Pay for Tina Stull shipment on the note) for that I would so appreciate it. Tina does wonders for our veterans and for homeless kids.

These books are to be handed out FOR FREE to people who can’t afford them. I know you’ll honor that and help us. He only has a million copies so act fast. He’s also printing them as he has people who BUY the book ($25) actually buy the book. That cost goes back into printing MORE books he can give away for free.

I don’t ask this sort of thing very often and only when it’s for a great cause. If you want to donate $1, $5 for shipping to:

Mark Horvath of Invisiblepeople.tv, you can do that. Just make a note and send an email. If you are a large organization – like a YMCA, Homeless Shelter, Women’s Shelter or other organization – please contact Tim directly for information on larger (and cheaper to ship) order directly from the printer.

Thank you all – and remember – it’s not the field – it’s the dream we’re really attracted to.

Okay, it’s warm weather, spring is in the air – yes, here in Virginia it is anyway – and in Atlanta too I hear. And today I received my copy of Caravan Cookbook: An Inspirational Guide to Family Cooking. It ROCKS. If you like cooking and food and camping – you will love this book. The link above is an affiliate link, cause I don’t get paid to review books – I just love checking out new stuff and the affiliate link helps me with my habit. I’d say that 80% of the books I receive I don’t post here because I’m just not thrilled with them. Only the thrillers get a post here – the others get an Amazon review or a post elsewhere or never see the light of day because I just don’t like them.

But this is another one of the RVing, or Caravaning as it’s called in Europe, books from a UK publisher I love. Both books they’ve sent in the Caravaning series (The other was “My Cool Caravan” which is amazing – a collection of RV’s or caravans, from all over the UK). The quality of the construction and photos and pages of books rivals ANYTHING I’ve ever seen in the U.S. Seriously. Just holding their books is like holding 800-thread count sheets – so smooth and inviting. Anyway, the recipes in this book are designed for camping – but would be amazing in any kitchen. There are about 30 recipes I’ve never seen – but that look so good – like Lettuce Soup (yes, LETTUCE), ham (Parma or proseuto) and peach salad (YUM!) for that salty and sweet taste…it sounds odd, but the photos make it look yummy! There’s a potato and bacon salad that’s on my menu for later this month, right after the Tomato and Basil tart – which is a lot like a pizza. You use puff pastry instead of pizza dough, cherry tomatoes, basil and pesto…or the pork loin simply marinaded and slathered with pure maple syrup instead of the traditional bar-b-que sauce.

The directions and descriptions are written for the Brits – so “hob” and “knob” and several of the terms for cookware, stove, fire, and utensils are a little odd, but fun to read. Actually the whole thing is a fun read. It’s easy to tell the author has children since she references them in the recipes and has versions without spices because the children don’t like chili for instance, and the adult version – with chili, because the kids do. There are Thai dishes, lamb, chicken, deserts and even a great recipe for Pink Lemonade (from pink grapefruit). If you’re tired of the same old cookbook – check this one out. It’s not only a culinary treat, but a visual one as well. Cannot recommend it highly enough! The ONLY thing I didn’t like about it was there is no calorie, fat, sodium analysis of any of the recipes. If you’re on a diet you’ll have to do the figuring yourself. On the other hand, you get the distinct sense someone whose cooking you love has just shared their very personal and special recipes with you and I like that! Every page is a photo and they did not skimp on photography quality. Beautiful, beautiful images of food, camping, cooking. If nothing else just sitting and looking at the pictures could take up an entire afternoon.

I think it’s like $16.29 on Amazon (PRE-ORDER PRICE!!) – and I’d have happily paid $24.95 or even $34.95 for it. Excellent, excellent cookbook! Kudos to Monica Rivron for writing it! Well done!

I just finished writing an article for Trailer Life Magazine on a rapidly growing group of women called “Sisters On The Fly.” They are a group of women, married, single, widowed, divorced, heterosexual, lesbian and whatever, who buy old camping trailers, fix them up with a cowgirl theme and meet at rallies around the USA to laugh, drink Martinis and/or wine, fly-fish, go antiquing, do crafts or just hang out around the campfire with no men, boys or kids around. Adult daughters and mothers go – as do older women who just want to learn how to camp without a man around telling them how to do things.

I won’t duplicate the article, but I will tell you I just received a reviewer’s copy of the book, Sisters on the Fly: Caravans, Campfires, and Tales from the Road in the mail today and I’m drooling. Photographer David Foxhoven is brilliant – and the author (a new sister herself) Irene Rawlings, has done a wonderful job capturing the story of the sisters.

For those who don’t recognize the name, Irene is the host of an award-winning radio program, “Focus,” aired on the Clear Channel stations. She has been editor-in-chief of Mountain Living and Log & Timber Style magazines as well as group editorial director of Colorado Homes & Lifestyles. She has written about food, art, travel, and the environment for Art & Antiques, Sunset, Style 1900, Town & Country, ForbesLife MountainTime, The New York Times, Country Home, Country Living, Country Living Gardener and numerous inflight magazines.

Irene has also been art reviewer at the Denver Post, curator of the Anschutz Collection of Western Art and editor in chief of Country Home magazine.

I interviewed Irene for the article and she had some funny and insightful comments – read the article in “Trailer Life” to find out what. You can buy the magazine through Amazon, at Barnes & Noble and online at the website. Trailer Life is published by Affinity Publishing – part of Camping World – a major magazine with great articles.

Anyway – Irene sent me a copy of the book and it’s like a miniature version of a coffee table book – meaning PACKED with awesome photos, good writing, great tips on how to find and select a trailer yourself and lots of recipes…stories, interior shots of some of the trailers and wow….just the kind of book you want to linger over for hours.

The photos are yummy. Seriously. This is some heavy duty eye candy here. What makes this more than JUST a group of women going camping is the time and effort they put into creating a theme for their trailers – along with vintage collectibles, fishing and cowgirl gear and hand painted exteriors. With every trailer is a story – something meaningful, fanciful or fun – and revealing about the owner.

I was going to watch a movie tonight, but I think I’ll curl up in bed, listen to the rain on the roof and read. Want to see for yourself? Check out the inside.

Hi Jim.

Recently you reached out to me, someone who downloaded your Blurb book software, and asked for my opinion on a survey about your product. I love the software. But the survey didn’t give me anywhere to write about that. I could click radio buttons to indicate an answer and enter myself into your free iPod giveaway, but I really wanted to give you some feedback and tell you how utterly awesome your site is. I’d love to win the iPod, but really I was looking forward to was giving you some kudos and hurrahs for your site and software.

There’s no email address for you. You’re the CEO, and you contacted me for feedback, but you sent me to customer service to give it. Maybe I’m wrong, but there are a lot of people who don’t care as much about the company as you and may not have gotten the memo that you’re getting feedback. I know. I’ve talked to a few of them in the past. They didn’t seem really passionate at the time. Maybe they were having a bad day. Happens to the best of us. I forgive them.

Anyway, I do plan on using you in the near future. I think you have the best product going…Except for that charging us $2 to remove the Blurb logo from our book. That sucks. But other than that….

If you really want my opinion, here it is:

I LOVE YOUR SITE. But when you do a survey, please put a page in where people have the option to write you. You might be pleasantly surprised and get some great compliments….like mine here!

Affection delayed is not always affection denied.

He sounds old and his voice is tired. It’s been fifteen years since I’ve heard it, but it’s definitely him.

I am caught in that melodramatic made-for-television moment where I learn that my estranged father is dying of brain cancer and I have only – days? weeks? months? – to “set things right” between us.

I have to laugh. I’m a writer, and I never would have dreamed up such a trite, overdone scenario. But here I am, actually living it. It gets better: I get the news about his cancer the day I am fired from my newspaper job. Has God moved to Hollywood?

My brother, Todd, calls, distraught. I am either incredibly calm or in total shock because I feel nothing – no grief, no anger, no sense of sadness. Nothing. “No one gets out of this alive,” I reassure him. “We all die.”

How is that reassuring? I don’t know. “He was a monster,” Todd says, “But he’s our monster,” he adds, as though that makes a difference. Maybe monsters, especially childhood ones, aren’t so frightening when they’re dying of brain cancer.

The childhood years of being beaten, of bleeding, of anger and shame and all the typical and not-so-typical physical, emotional and mental abuse are distant memories now. Thanks to therapy – years of Prozac and screaming at empty chairs in my therapist’s office – I reached “closure” years ago. Or so I thought. Maybe I haven’t.

After our last conversation in 1991, when he told me he wished I were dead and I had never been the daughter he wanted me to be, I threatened to outlive the old bastard – excuse me, the old monster- just so I could piss on his grave. I’m surprised when my brother remembers.

“I’ll stand guard for you if you still want to do that,” he says sadly. I have to think about it, I reply.

Three days later I’m in the parking lot at McDonald’s on a cell phone. “Hey old man. It’s your daughter – Becky,” I say.
“Hey Beck, how are you? You sound – good, real good,” he says. He’s in his office, working with his accountant to get his business in order so he can sell it.
“Yeah,” I smile. “I’m good. Hey, I heard you had cancer.”
He doesn’t miss a beat. “Yeah, they diagnosed it last week.”
I know, I’m thinking. I heard from your sister, who called everyone and told us.
“How bad?” I ask.
“Stage four,” he says. Stage four is terminal.
“That sucks,” I say matter-of-factly.
He laughs. “Yeah, it does.” There is silence for a second.
“Well, you sure swung for the fences, didn’t you? If you’re going to have it you might as well have the worse possible kind,” I tell him.
“Yeah, I guess so.” He laughs again. We talk about what I’m doing now. I’m a freelance medical writer, and have been for about forty-eight hours.

He’s a children’s dentist. Upon hearing that I’m now doing medical research writing, he assumes I know all the medical jargon and lingo that makes up his world. He is looking for connections, for common ground. So am I. So he launches into the medical realm of the drugs he’s taking or going to take, as though he were prescribing them to a patient rather than taking them himself. He is honest about the outcome. “They’re end-stage drugs,” he says. We both pause.

That information out of the way, our conversation turns to photography, a passion we have both shared since he began taking photos in 1969, and that I took up shortly thereafter.

At seventy-three he is dying, but in the meantime he is learning Photoshop, as I am at forty-nine. There were moments now, I remember, when we did have some good times.

We talk cameras, digital and otherwise, megapixels and burst rates, Nikon versus Canon’s latest camera-the EOS-which really kicks butt, I assure him. He likes Nikon. I begin to grieve for the losses of the past fifteen years -advice not given, requests and fears unshared. I curse Hollywood through my tears. I saw the movies, I just never got the point. Now I do, I think.

Damn. He’s going to die before I win a Pulitzer. I won’t get a chance to show him how well I did, that I succeeded in spite of his proclamation that I’d only, ‘get married, get pregnant, and have babies.” He’ll never know I really am the daughter he wanted. The regrets pour in.

I doubt he remembers any of the things that have haunted me for forty-plus years. Once the chemo treatments start he may not remember much of anything, let alone the past.

The only “story” about my father will be what remains in my mind and in my brother’s. I tell him that I’ll be coming down to see him in a week or so. We’ll have lunch or dinner-if he’d like to – and we’ll talk some more. He’d like that, he says.

After fifteen years, can I convince him of that in the time it takes to sit down to one dinner? I don’t know if we’ll even have that dinner. The chemo may prove too much. Todd was right. After all these years he’s still our monster. But now that he’s dying, I say the magic words that will transform him.

“I love you Dad.”
For the first time I hear him blush.
“I love you too.”

And we hang up.

*********

“The Monster” above, is the essay I wrote for Tim Russert, and it appears as the first story in his chapter on forgiveness in his book, “Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons”

This is the story that saved me, that I read in the summer of 2006 and reconnected with who I truly was, and am – a writer. I just reread it today and still cried. It is powerful because it is real. And real things never lose their power. This is part of what I spoke about at TED Global 2009. It’s very much a part of who I am today and who I am becoming. I hope you have a powerful story to tell and will tell it. Powerful stories change our lives.

Okay. It made my day. Suze Orman, internationally acclaimed financial wizard, Oprah money guru, and kick-ass woman, LIVED and WORKED out of a van in her 20’s. Just freaking made my day. Changed my whole attitude and perception of her as someone who “doesn’t understand us paycheck-to-paycheck” people.

And I quote, from her book Women & Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny

“I borrowed $1,500 from my brother to buy a Ford Econoline van and, with the help of my friend Mary Corlin (a great friend to this day), converted the van into a place I could sleep during the drive across country. With $300 and a converted van to my name, we set out to see America…..”

During that trip they stopped to watch a crew clearing trees and ended up landing their first jobs – as tree clearers. For two months, she writes, they lived out of the van and used a friend’s house to shower.

Suze joins a LONG line of famous people who have lived and worked out of their vans.

Jewel, the singer, and her mother shared side-by-side vans parked near the ocean while she pursued a singing career.

Steven Pressfield, best-selling author of The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles
and Gates of Fire: An Epic Novel of the Battle of Thermopylae
among many others, lived in a van with his cat before overcoming resistance and coming into his own as the writer he is.

I won’t bore you with the rest, but click under the menu bar at the top of this website under How-To and see dozens of other famous homeless people.

I think what caught my attention is the fact that when we’re YOUNG – like under 30, we see life as an adventure, and living in a van and traveling and working along the way, as an adventure. When you’re 35, 40 or 50, the mind thinks, “Oh no, I’m becoming a bag lady.” Not everyone falls into this trap though. I did. It took me a while to remember I was a writer, and not just “a homeless woman.” When I quit allowing other people to define me, and to define who I was and how I viewed myself, things changed for me.

It’s not just a one-time thing – change your thoughts and change your life. It’s a journey. Trite and cliche, but true. You change, must change your thoughts every day for your life to change. Ever since I redefined myself in 2007 and said, “I’m a writer. I’m a writer,” I began changing those neural ruts in my brain that would prefer I stick with the “I’m a homeless woman,” mantra, and the “You’re worthless and stupid,” programming my parents instilled in me.

It takes hard work to change. No one hands it to you, or gives it to you. If you want it, you have to go after it. Suze Orman did. So did the hundreds of others who made it after a stint on the streets.

Perhaps out of all the people I’ve read about, Suze is the one who impresses me most. After her short work as a tree clearer, she became a waitress. After six years as a waitress she decided she wanted to open a restaurant. Customers she’d served for 6 years got together and loaned her $50,000 to do just that. But when she invested that money with a broker at Merrill Lynch, she placed it with a broker who basically lost her entire investment – by investing in high risk stocks against all professional ethical standards. She went from having her dream in the palm of her hand to penniless (thank you Merrill Lynch). But, she didn’t give up. She applied to become a broker (remind you of anyone else? Like maybe Christopher Gardner, in The Pursuit of Happyness “>The Pursuit of Happyness? He too was homeless and became a broker and is now a multi-millionaire.

Anyway, Suze was interviewed by a number of Merrill Lynch folks – all of whom thought there was no room for women in a brokerage firm and one who even said he thought women should be pregnant and barefoot…(I don’t think I’ll use Merrill Lynch as an investment firm when I become rich…) But she got the job. As she learned how she had been screwed over by the guy in the firm she went to her bosses and complained – was essentially told to shut up. So she sued Merrill Lynch. Yay!!! And WON!!! BIG YAY!! They settled with her out of court and she got her money back and was able to repay her investors. (don’t you love a happy ending).

Suze went on to become the person she is now – not without a lot more drama and the usual “Hero’s saga.”

As with all “Rags-to-riches” type stories, what is impressive is how the one thing that drives us all is PERCEPTION OF SELF. In other words, ATTITUDE. I said it in my TED talk, and I’ll say it again. Homelessness is a matter of attitude. Change your thoughts and you change your circumstances – maybe not overnight, but be consistent and persistent and they WILL change. It’s been four years since I moved into the van, and I’m still working on it. I think this is my year to finish the book and move up. Is it your year? Are you just starting out? Struggling? Wondering how to change? Start with watching your thoughts. Then start reading the biographies of people who have moved beyond their circumstances.

You CAN change if you want it badly enough. Over this next year I’m going to be posting more articles on how to do that. And, to those who sign up, or have signed up for my newsletter? You’ll get all the tips – FREE. I can do this. YOU can do this. Together, we can do this! And if you want to get her book – BUY it through Amazon.com by clicking on the graphic below. Thanks!

“Embrace your lizard brain. It’s the source of understanding why you’re in a job that sucks.”

Seth Godin’s new book, Linchpin: Are You Indispensable?
will be out Jan. 26. In the meantime, some members of Triiibes.com (his social media site) and those who responded to an offer to donate $30 to the Acumen Fund, received advance copies. I was fortunate enough to get my hands on a copy, so here’s my review. First, it’s a definite thumbs UP on the book. Buy it. If you need more convincing, read the review below.

If you’re looking for a book summary, or the Cliff’s Notes version of Linchpin, this isn’t it. As a member of Triiibes.com, and someone who has read all of Seth’s books and met the man, my impressions are not going to be totally unbiased. I haven’t drunk the Kool-aid, but I do highly respect and admire the man. If it weren’t for his encouragement and help I’d never have made it to TED, or grown as much as I have in the past year.

First off, I think Linchpin is different in many ways than anything Seth has written. I think his writing shift started with Tribes. He gave readers a glimpse into more of who Seth is, what he thinks, how he feels. He’s put more of himself into Linchpin than he did in Tribes, but not until the second half of Linchpin. His sentence structure is longer, and more complex. His “voice” is different – more studied, more analytical, more like he walked away from several discussions/debates and contemplation and the input of friends rather than simply a recounting or teaching of things he knew personally (ie. The Dip: A Little Book That Teaches You When to Quit (and When to Stick).

My impression (and that’s all it is), is that Seth has spent more time listening, reading about, and hammering away at the ideas he’s presenting here than he has with his other books. Linchpin feels more intellectually collaborative, more like some of the themes and direction were thrashed through with the help of significant others and authors – more than simply Seth’s delving into a topic he has extensive first-hand knowledge of.

The talk of resistance rang a bell for me simply because I read Steven Pressman’s essay/blog on the topic before I even knew Linchpin was being written. And from the excerpts I’ve read in The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles, overcoming resistance is a huge part of becoming a linchpin. (By the way, if you haven’t read Pressman’s blog, it’s usually brilliant and fascinating and worth subscribing to. And – for trivia buffs, Pressman was once homeless – living in his Chevy van with his cat before conquering resistance to being a writer instead of a truck driver or one of others of the dozens of jobs he held before recognizing resistance: http://blog.stevenpressfield.com/)

LINCHPIN REVIEW

Linchpin is 244 pages long. The good stuff, the stuff that made me take my feet off my desk and lean forward to grab my highlighter, starts on page 101. Seth, as you know if you pay attention to his writing style, always begins with a foundation, the history of ______, the background, the prologue, the reason for the important stuff to follow and Linchpin is no different. The first half of the book makes for great debate and presentation fodder and will bring you up to speed on the state of the corporate culture as we know it – if you haven’t been paying attention.

If you already know that corporate America is still stranded, for the most part, in the 80’s – then you won’t be surprised by the first half of the book. If you are a member of Triiibes.com, you will definitely not be surprised by anything in the first 100 pages. If you are still wondering what’s wrong about asking your secretary to fix your coffee or pick up your dry cleaning; or if you have the numbers of third world sweatshops on speed dial you really do need to read those first 100 pages.

No need for a spoiler alert here – most of you know the usual insights and basics if you’re a Seth fan. The first 100 pages cover those basics, such as the title headings indicate: Introduction, The New World of Work, Thinking About Your Choice, Indoctrination-How We Got Here, Becoming the Linchpin and Is It Possible to do Hard Work in a Cubicle?

What I found interesting about Linchpin was that Seth is reaching out to the individual more in this book than any other – save Tribes. I wonder if he’s become frustrated with trying to explain a “better way of being” to corporate executives and decided to build up the perfect workplace from the bottom up – which is where it should come from – the people who work in the rank and file. If you’re an artist, or a “creative” then you can find some comfort in what Seth is saying. Like Dan Pink and his recent book: A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future Seth encourages the right brained worker to step forward and become “indispensable.”

If you are a clueless, reluctant, skeptical cog in search of economic salvation, you’ll need those first 100 pages to convince you that the world really IS changing. You’ll need to realize that not everyone worships or accepts the concept of a vertical food chain terminating in the corner office for those not handicapped by a glass ceiling. You’ll find the reasoning you need in the first 100 pages.

However, if you already know the state of the average workplace, and consider it a dusty, boring place filled with cubical monkeys and supervisors who remind you of the soup nazi’s of work, as in: “No questions or NO JOB FOR YOU!,” then skip ahead to page 101. Save the first half of the book for later, for incorporating into your conversations with people who ask, “Who is Seth Godin?”

Seriously. If you need reasons, historical recaps and someone to bring you up to speed on the fact that the average workplace kills creativity; if you need the definition of purple cows and remarkable; or if you don’t know in your heart of hearts that being different, generous, remarkable and better worker is a good thing, then start at page one and read on.

From page 1 to 100 you’ll get great info, solid background and a typical Seth observation of the history of the workplace. You’ll find the evolution of the world of minimum wage, how outsourcing and the dumbing down of the American worker has starved our souls and created a disposable employee mindset and economy.

Read it. But if you want to dive into more than a retrospective of why most workers and those who pay them are mind numbingly clueless then skip ahead. If you know you are destined for a future without a gold watch or retirement that will actually cover the expenses of your golden years, then start reading on page 101. Return to the beginning later. If you’ve never read a Seth Godin book, or seen or heard one of his talks, then by all means, start with page one – this is good stuff. But page 101 on is better.

What surprised me most about all the talk of linchpins is that I don’t think the word “unicorn” is used once in the entire book. Seth, well known for his championing of the Unicorn, the remarkable worker who shows up in balloon factories (popping the bubbles of status quo beliefs) doesn’t mention the creature in this book. I don’t know if that’s because unicorns aren’t usually linchpins, or if Seth has figured out that talk of creatures that scare, upset or threaten the status quo doesn’t play as well to corporate moguls as the idea of a linchpin – an invaluable, creative team player who responds well to rewards, plays well with others and doesn’t run with scissors.

Same creature, different story. Or is it? Can a linchpin be a unicorn? Or can a unicorn be a linchpin? It’s not answered in this book, but it’s an intriguing question isn’t it?

There’s no doubt about it, Seth is focused on the individual in this book – not on changing corporate America. In Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us
Seth urges readers to lead. In Linchpin he urges them to become the artist, the creative, indispensable person they can be. All you need to do is eliminate the fear (which, Seth explains, is really anxiety. People, he notes, confuse the two all the time.

Anyway, beginning with “Resistance,” on page 101, Seth takes a really good, basic look at lizard brains, that “fearful, hungry, angry and horny” part of our brains that controls so much of our thinking and a great deal of our actions. The lizard brain causes us to confuse fear and anxiety, to seek safety rather than risk brilliance. It also works and walks hand-in-hand with resistance – to totally stop us in our tracks.

I hear the influence of Pressman’s The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles
in the second half of the book. I also see a good effort to reduce a lot of information into a handful of chapters. As a writer I can empathize and appreciate his creation of a roux of wisdom that packs a greater taste than three times the words. The tone in the second half of Linchpin is more like Seth’s previous books — more like Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us
– still my favorite. He retains the blog post length of chapters – one of the great things about his writing style.

I found it amusing that Seth mentioned his favorite negative review (A review on Amazon.com) of his book Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us
- since I responded to that particular reviewer (on Amazon) when the book came out. Since it’s all but impossible (never say never) to list specific steps in “how-to” be a creative genius, or a leader, or a remarkable person or business; his negative reviewer won’t much like Linchpin either; even though he comes closer to taking the reader’s hand and walking them through the process as much as is humanly possible.

As always Seth incorporates vignettes of linchpins he knows personally, using the short, short story of a success to make a point. He has developed the 200 to 300 word inspirational, informative or insightful parable to an art form.

If I had one criticism of the book, it would be that the second half of the book wasn’t longer and the first half wasn’t shorter. Like any creative person, understanding HOW to succeed, to act, to learn the rules of the workplace while becoming a linchpin is confusing. Seth urges workers to give more, to be more of who they are and to not just coast through their jobs putting in their time. Generosity and engagement is its own reward, he says.

As a creative person who has given and given and given and been fired, and fired and fired for being remarkable, different, creative and generous – I have to say I wish there were more specific instructions on exactly how to escape a job where generosity is taken advantage of by cruel and stupid employers; and how to find a job where such skills are valued and rewarded.

There may be a few hundred employers who look for and hire generous and creative people, but there is no “how-to” chapter on how to find them if they aren’t mentioned in the book.

What I liked best about Linchpin was the bibliography. Not only was it personal and helpful, but it was appreciative and thoughtful. If you haven’t read any of Seth’s books, I suggest starting with this one, then reading Tribes. Between the two you’ll have a good idea of where the new workplace is going and how to be a part of it.

Integrity, he writes, will ultimately determine if a person with brains, talent, competencies, energy, effort and deal making abilities and opportunities will succeed. There are those with all those things who WON’T succeed. The “linchpin,” as it were, is their character and the extent of their integrity.

So what is integrity? As we’ve all heard, if the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Cloud is one of the leading authorities in America on “boundaries,” both personal and business boundaries. He claims, and rightly so I think, that everything and everyone runs or doesn’t run based on the strength and flexibility of boundaries – which are related directly to self-esteem issues and other things. If a CEO for instance, can’t see that a star performer is none-the-less violating the boundaries of the workplace, he may fail to realize the reality of the situation, and be reluctant to take action to correct the transgression. Ultimately he’ll lose good performers and employees because he’s not in touch with the reality of the situation.

Cloud is very specific about reality, and boundaries. And while many managers and CEO’s may say, “I’m not a therapist, it’s not my role, job or duty to play therapist in the workplace,” the reality is, 90% of what happens in the work place is people related. You take steps to fix machinery when it breaks. Why not fix the investment you have in personnel by addressing the human element of the workplace? This is where Cloud comes in. His book is not a laundry list of things you can do to succeed. Rather, it’s a detailed, difficult and challenging request to leaders to look at the six qualities they need to be a success, to have integrity.

My favorite is the sixth quality: “When you’re small, you’re bigger.”

He opens the chapter with the old story of a Navy warship that was headed through the fog one night when a distant light appears directly in their heading.

The ship’s captain gets on the radio and says, “Calling the vessel on the 220 heading. Adjust your course 30 degrees immediately. The reply comes back, “no, you adjust.” The Captain, a bit ticked off, says, “I am an Admiral in the U.S. Navy. Who are you?” The voice says, “I’m an ensign in the U.S. Coast Guard.” The Captain says, “Then I suggest you adjust course.” The ensign replies, “No, you adjust.” The Admiral says, “We are a U.S. Navy warship. Adjust.” The ensign replies, “We are a lighthouse.”

Get the picture? Some things are just bigger than we are, although they may not initially appear so, and may not be “bigger” in terms of the usual terms (Admiral v Ensign for instance). If we consider people, events and situations only in the light in which they appear to US, then we not only have no character, we fail to ever be in a position where we can see, appreciate and leverage the big picture.

Cloud gives several excellent case studies of businesses who fell back on character rather than size, who became smaller, not bigger and gained consumer trust as a result. The primary study was Johnson & Johnson’s Tylenol product. After one deranged person poisoned and ultimately killed several consumers by putting something in a bottle of Tylenol in Chicago, the company could have said, “This is limited to Chicago, we’ll let our insurance handle it.” But instead they pulled ALL their product everywhere. They put their size (bigger) aside and focused on the individuals who might be harmed, Cloud pointed out. They got the big picture – something they couldn’t do if they focused only on being the warship.

I’m rereading it, and will most likely purchase a copy (a rarity for me) since this is a library book. I highly, highly, highly recommend it, and ANY of the books on boundaries that Cloud has written. They are all excellent. He writes for families, boundaries for parents of teens, boundaries in relationships, boundaries in general and is just a brilliant psychologist and author.

In the meantime, I find comfort in the feeling of being vindicated – reading that Cloud believes what I have always said, that if your people are dysfunctional your workplace will be too. We spend so much time hiring and interviewing for skills, competencies and abilities that we forget to look at character, mental health, whether a person has good boundaries and people skills. Saying, “I’m a team player,” doesn’t cut it. Demonstrating that you can experience conflict with co-workers and reach an amicable agreement or resolution; or that you can say “No,” to tasks or requests that you can appropriately and honestly say aren’t your responsibility (like covering for a co-worker who is repeatedly behind or unprepared) and that you will chose the right course rather than the course which will please a manager or co-worker, are just as valuable characteristics.

Allowing others to suffer the consequences of their actions; knowing when and how to make and enforce unpopular decisions; being able to face the reality, accept responsibility, and leave a “wake” of good decisions and effects behind you as you move through life are important traits of a leader. Can you do that?

Okay, okay – not the usual for this site, but I’m on a health kick (for life) and really looking at why I feel lousy so often. I found Jillian Michael’s book, “Master Your Metabolism,” and IT ROCKS! Wow. I just bought it today and have already read half of it, and skimmed the rest. I like Jillian’s kick-ass attitude and rocking body (I want mine to look like that!) on The Biggest Loser, but until you get into this book you can’t appreciate the brains this woman has as well.

In college I roomed with a nutrition major, and a co-worker I knew for years had alphabet soup degrees in health education and nutrition, but I never heard any of the information I just read in Jillian’s book. I’ve struggled with doctors for years, trying to determine just what hormones were missing or weak. NONE OF THEM suggested a change in diet. They all wanted me to take drugs (our pharmaceutical mafia at work) for my “borderline” hormones. I refused and now I’m glad. I get a shot at correcting my body naturally first.

This book rocks because the information is relevant, specific, easy to read and understand and applicable. Jillian isn’t tempted to wander into the “diet” and “workout” world we all know her for. She goes where no trainer I’ve ever met has gone – into the belly of the beast – telling readers exactly how toxins, food, and our Cheeto loving butts have gotten us into endocrine hell – with our thyroid, our hunger and estrogen hormones all screwed up from our food. I thought all food did was make me fat. It does more, and WORSE!! It zaps my energy, threatens my moods, my heart, my health….wow. I now have the motivation I needed to never drink another soda again.

Why should you buy it? Because like me, you’ve heard the same old CRAP about how food, the wrong food, makes us fat. You can recite the same tired lines and cliches about transfats, sat fat, processed food and blah, blah, blah – but this book DOESN’T DO THAT! You get NEW information, stuff you probably haven’t read. I’m a major reader, (and writer) and I’ve NEVER seen this stuff….because I think most trainers and folks are afraid to tell people how critical food is to our hormones.

Men – want to find out how “Junk shrinks the stuff in your trunk,”? Better get it and find out how your testosterone levels (that’s your sex drive) can be diminished by FOOD!!

Women….men….mothers-to-be. If you want to be healthy where it counts, (not in the size of your butt) – in your very freaking CELLS, then BUY THIS BOOK!!! It rocks. Really. It does.

Whew. Okay. I’m excited. And thrilled to be starting this new food regime. Awesome. There is no affiliate link on this page…so know that I’m supporting this book because it simply ROCKS. Really.